New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nath,

Hey, things sound really rough for you...

It sounds like you were brought up in a community/household that still upholds the "men don't cry" mentality. It must have been draining trying to maintain that "tough" facade. I think that mentality still sort of exists in the city too but perhaps to a lesser extent (?) plus it's easier to access to mental health support in the cities...

I'm glad you're learning to become more comfortable in your own skin and that you're recognising your own emotions. Mad props to you. And my 2c is logic and reasoning holds weight but so do emotions.

I'm completely unsurprised that you're protective of the people you care about; it sort of comes across on these forums. Dare I be bold and suggest that I think it's possibly one of your best and worst traits? It's wonderful because you clearly have a lot of compassion and would defend your loved ones to the end of the earth. But the drawback is at what cost to your own mental health and needs (for example)? Sorry, no need to answer but maybe something for you to mull over in your own time...and only if you wish...

Thank you for the lovely support on my thread btw. And I really appreciated how you shared some of your music inspirations and song writing with me 🙂 I'll have to check out the country artists that you mentioned.

Sending kind thoughts...

Pepper xo

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

yeah things aren't exactly easy put it that way.

Yeah it's the whole area very much men have to be this unemotional person that drinks till their blind drunk and their whole world revolves around football, sex and alcohol. The veiws around women have changed a fair bit so they are elected to work and stuff now but also some things are the same as well like they are suposed to stay home and look after the children and do the house work while the kids are young and the men are the providers. As a bloke growing up here it's been hard I hated footy and still do and I've always been fairly big so it was more of an expectation for me to play. And I don't drink anymore anyway but that's not something that men do here we are expected to drink women are allowed not to drink but not men. I'm all for feminism I think it's great but it also feels like it's kind of shifted the other way a lot as well and there are a lot of sterio types around men and things really haven't changed for us much we. I mean I always justifying why I'm not playing football or out partying it get tiring. And it has caused a lot of issues for me over the years lots and lots of bullying becuase of those veiws and lots of self doubt and self image issues as well. I mean I'm proud of who I am I'm a sensitive caring person and I think I am more mature becuase of it in some ways but I still get judged a lot for it.

thanks pepper, I've kind of always known who I am but becuase that person hasn't been accepted I just looked him away, but now I don't give two hoots what people think I am who I am and I'm sick of hiding that. There was a point where I did forget who I was its like I was a square peg that people were trying to put in a round hole so I just cut bits and pieces off my self till I fitted. But I know who I am again now and I'm not changing for anyone.

runing out of words I'll continue on another post.

[Pysis]

Haha wow I had no idea that was coming across. Yeah your right it is a good and bad thing sometimes, I will protect someone with my life and will suport someone till the day I die but sometimes I forget to look after my self that's kind of what happend at the start of the year I was so concerned with being there for Sara that I forgot to think of myself even when I was in hospital and after that I was so focused on getting her better and through her though time that I didn't realise that my mental health was slipping till it was to late.

Oh don't mention it pepper it's my pleasure thank you for listening. Yeah please do you might not like it I'm not sure but you could really enjoy it.

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

hi Nath

it sounds like your feeling alittle better

am i right or am i right off the mark

sending lots of hugs and love

xoxox

[Pysis]

Hi star

nah you are right I'm feeling a little better I'm still upset but not as bad. I think now that it was rats that attacked bozo.

Thanks star

sending lots of hugs and love straight back at you

Nath

[startingnew]

Time to start trapping some rats i think...

What are your plans for tomorrow?

[Pysis]

Yeah I've been trying to get rid of the rats for ages now, I've baited, trapped, poured diesel down there holes, shot at and every other thing I can think of to try an get rid of them.

im not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow I'll do some studie but it's meant to rain all day here so I want be doing much out side, I was supposed to work but that's been put off till Thursday now. How about you?

[startingnew]

Ill be studying too. Might be able to get some drawing done. Speaking of which i uploaded a brighter picture hopefully thats better to see.

Il be going shopping tomorrow too. Other than that probably not much. Ive been exhausted these past few days so might be able to relax a bit too

Thosr darn rats hey. Must have a gut made of steel to survive all those!

[Pysis]

Ok yeah I might try to do some drawing tomorrow as well I don't think the brighter one has come through yet but when it dose I will draw it.😃 I hope you get some rest as well you deserve it.

yeah do you know what makes it worse, I have a complete and utter phobia of rats I'm terrified of them. I had to try and work in the rat room at a zoo once and couldn't do it I managed to do about half of what I had to do, change their water and food but once I hot about half way in I had to tap out.

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

I might start back on my garden i was working on

Do you have an projects atm?

Ithink that is the brighter one. I can see the colouring better.. still not very bright though is it. The lightings bad.

And i really hate rats too. And they get so big and they are evil