New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[startingnew]

Thats fair enough, sometimes infections clear up quickly, make sure you take care of yourself in that time including keeping hydrated as well.
How did you go with Sara today? Was she able to speak to you?
You are only one person remember and cant do everything. Take your time and only do what you can.

what did you get up to today? did you get your goats sheter built?

[startingnew]

Hi Em
ill go onto the one nath has suggested otherwise its really confusing. Ill find it though and see where I can help you

[Pysis]

Nah I haven't heard from Sara again today but I feel better now that's she's been talking to a bit it's still no where near like how we used to talk but it feels like a step in the right direction. Yeah I know it's hard, sometimes I wish I didn't care so much all the time but I guess it's just who I am I've always been the person talk to about things and I've always helped people.

I didn't do much today I just rested and went to pick up my middle brother T from school. Haha I thought about doing the goat shelter and then just thought stuff it and put them back in the other paddock that's pretty much where I'm at with everything at the moment.

I really want to talk about stuff my dads done over the years but I just really don't know how to I don't even know how to explain it, it keeps eating away at me inside and has for years. He's trying to be more involved in my life but I don't trust him and I don't really like him.

hope your ok star

Nath

[startingnew]

Thats a positive, keep ahold of that thought ok. Shes talking to you and while it might not be as much as you like she is in fact talking to you.
Thats ok with all the work youve been doing its good to rest esp when your feeling under the weather as well. Dont worry too much about that.


Ok well talk away, im listening.
Ok so your stuck on how to explain things. Ill see if I can guide you through and help you out with what I know. (dont worry I havent always been this open see the start of my thread it took me a while to explain what was going on but my story might trigger you which is on page 1)


ok so lets start with this if your comfortable
write out in a list form e.g dot points 1,2,3 etc and just lsit what it is thats bothering you. We will get to the other details in a minute but right now id like you to just list them. Whether its big or small just write it out as you see fit

[Pysis]

Ok well

1. He used to beat me behind mums back and them blame me

2. The first time I ever had to take the bus home he had me in tears and convinced me that both my mum and younger brother had died in a car accedent and that's why they couldn't pick me up (I was 5)

3. He always just hells at me and really just dosent like me at all

God that was hard I'm crying a little god I'm pathetic.

[startingnew]

Ok lets start with number one. Its ok to cry. Let it out theres no judgement here

Can you elaborate abit more on the first one.

You said he use to beat you then blame you...

[Pysis]

Um ok well he used to beat me with his belt to the point I couldn't sit down and would just be in hysterics but when I would go to my mum about it he would say that he didn't hit me hard at all and he did it becuase I was misbehaving mum Never saw the bruises so she always took his side.

[startingnew]

Your mum wouldve believed you if you showed her the bruises. I bet she wouldve been horrified to see them but at the same time i understand why you didnt want to show her.

mothers can be in denial too and even though your her kids shes torn between the 2 people she loves. I can tell you know if you had of shown her the bruising there wouldvebeen no hesitations in whichside to take and it would be yours because she could see it for herself .

Your not to blame for any of this. Once an a hole always an a hole and thats your father all over.

[Pysis]

Yeah mum didn't know about the pysical stuff till a couple of months ago she didn't really say anything but she was upset. It was a secret I carried for years and years until I told Sara and then everything just came exploding out of me like someone popped a cork.

mum didn't want to believe any of it when it was happening she just couldn't she was dealing with his verbal and mental abuse as well. It didn't stop till one day I fought back and scared him he is a coward so he dosent like the ide of getting hurt.

I blambed myself for years about everything and still do sometimes, you know the thoughts what if I had of fought back, what if it's becuase there is something wrong with me ect

all of the memories around the abuse come and go sometimes they are really clear and other times they are cloudy and then there are the one I had repressed which are al coming back.

[startingnew]

Yes unfortunately your mum is also a victim here too.

To afraid to leave but too afriad yo say anything. Trapped as are you and your brothers.

Her showing how upset she is shows she does care she just doesnt know how to deal with it either.

While i think violence isnt the answer im on your side. I think fighting back did some good good for. While he may still be verbally abusive at least hes not physically now. And thats a start and thats because of you.

He realised you werent some weak kid who was going to stand there and take it. No. You fought back.

these things are traumatic and when your still living in them. its hard to be at peace with the memories because you are still living those memories and not escaping those.

Your not to blame here. Not at all.