My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Philosophy thoughts to yesterday's post.

1. How can we make a more loving community for people suffering from a broken heart/mind/dispirited/mental illness?

2. Yes it is misleading, external justification is extremely hard to give for feelings. Pain usually has an external justification of profanity. Love doesn't have a viable external justification unless you hug/kiss etc. This is hard on forums.

3. love is definitely a feeling or state of mind.

4. Equality

5. Good question? This is definitely a community question that should incorporate everyones opinion.

6. Yes. Easy. We are just looking at a screen. Screens don't have feelings. Its what's underneath the flower thats important............the fruit.

7. absolutely.

8. Yes, I feel some of us put our complete heart into helping others. So much so that it becomes a "ritual of rights". Which is only good, really. Because it shows how much integrity the human race has.

New question................

Is question 8 somehow related to question 1?

I will leave it open........

Peace and equality

Matt.

[1113]

FYI

I made a number mistake in that last post. Can anyone find it?

Peace

[1113]

So peacefully filled with joy atm,

I thought I might share my good news too.

I had a in depth discussion with a kind person.

I have a job lead that will take me into helping special needs children. It will incorporate all my skills (multiudes) helping all special needs kids from Gifted and talented, all spectrums of autism etc etc. Im waiting for a call too. Should come soon. The discussion was the best I've had in a long time. It went extremely well.

This job would fill my heart with joy. I hope it comes through.

God is my guide and I'm blessed for it.

I'm not going in full time, they would be happy for me to slowly enter. Which is best for me atm. I really hope it happens.

Peace

Matt

[Guest_9809]

Matt, that sounds perfect for you! I really hope it comes about.

I think its a good move to go slowly initially, then once you've settled into it and feeling on top of things, you can reassess then as to whether to go in full time.

I eagerly await further good news.

Gee lots of good news around the forums today, with Wishfull also hearing some promising news about a flat.

I am feeling all happy and excited for you Matty.

Taurus xx

[1113]

Thanks Taurus,

I'm smiling from ear to ear.

Signing off for the day.

Still waiting for some other news too. I hope Chris B comes through. I would love to do that too.

Catch ya all tomz

Peace

Matt.

[Croix]

Dear Matt~

I too hope like mad you get something like that. You have such care and so many talents in that area, to have them fulfilled would be great indeed.

Starting slowly sounds ideal for both sides.

Take care

Croix

[Moonstruck]

So good to read some positive news for you Matt - I am very pleased for you and have all fingers crossed that you get everything you wish for, and so dearly deserve....wishing you the very best outcome ....Moon S

[1113]

Peaceful morning all,

Thank you for your support and kindness.

I really hope I can for fill my destiny. My illness has denied my of the right for life for so long that I can now only fight to survive.

I will not allow myself to be denied freedom of choice.

This is all I have left. My service to humanity, giving what I have, will hopefully bring long forgotten grace back into my broken mind, heart and life. Something I long for.

Peace

Matt

[1113]

Philosophy thoughts to yesterday's post

Is question 8 somehow related to question 1?

Q: What is a meaningful question and what kind of meaning does it assign to love?

How can we make a more loving community for people suffering from a broken heart/mind/dispirited/mental illness?

Q: Or do we get to close to the reality of the of this life of abandonment?

8. Yes, I feel some of us put our complete heart into helping others. So much so that it becomes a "ritual of rights". Which is only good, really. Because it shows how much integrity the human race has.

Thoughts,

There was no number mistake and it was all a number mistake at the same time. All questions and thoughts were related and not related.

Can we distance ourselves from words?

Can we read inbetween the lines?

Do we need to?

Is the human heart, mind and emotions able to cope with pain of others while objectively handling our own problems?

Do we see equality through are eyes or is our mind clouded by our own past experiences?

Do our past experiences help us see objectively?

Can we get past or step away from a situation that only course's ourselves pain even though all we want to do is help others?

What does integrity actually mean in this situation?

Why is everyone made to see a slightly different angle?

Deep now............

Is the world made of number patterns, mathematical equations?

Or is nature just randomly selected?

The yin yang philosophy

"Everything contains Yin and Yang. They are two opposite yet complementary energies. What does this really mean? Although they are totally different—opposite—in their individual qualities and nature, they are interdependent. Yin and Yang cannot exist without the other; they are never separate."

I'll leave it open.........

Peace and equality

[1113]

Before I go for my walk

Using the yin yang philosophy for thought training

Negative-Thought-Yin

Balance-Yin Yang

Positive-thought-Yang

With any thought is an opposite thought.

If negative thought has a bad impact on you write it down.

Then write the opposite thought to that. Super positive.

Then use the 2 opposite yet interdependent thoughts to write a thrid thought called balance.

Use half positive and half negative to get a realistic grasp of reality.

Sometimes things wont be good or bad thats the reality.

Peace and equality