My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Bro,

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

I am a bit confused today, last night too.

The agrophobia is hard and can cause me to go to a dark place.

Im glad we are bros and can talk it through.

I didn't sleep all night because of what i wrote.

I am truly sorry for offending you.

Im glad we are bros.

I happy that you helped see my wrong doing.

Please forgive me.

Are you ok?

[1113]

Bro

Are you all g?

Doyou need some space?

[SourceShield]

Matt,

This wasn't a 'wrong-doing' because I know it wasn't your intention.

A wrong-doing is something wrong done intentionally.

The thing is man, if a person says, in all seriousness, "this is a boundary", we need to just accept that, that is where they are at on their journey, because we are all hurting about something.

When we say, "I'm still hurting", we don't need people to throw our diagnosis or lifestyle in our face, we just need to be heard and loved, for still hurting.

Thats real life Matt.

What I wrote had nothing to do with being a gay man.

I love being gay.

I've told you this before.

I just don't like some of the abuse and all the loss, that I have been through to get here to this place, that's why it still hurts.

I still grieve about the people that I have lost because of ignorance and hatred.

A man that I loved was taken from me.

I'm still grieving, and doing my best to cope with all of that hurt inside.

So I am fully allowed to assert a boundary, without it being thrown in my face.

It still hurts...that's all I was saying to you man.

That's why I had to assert the boundary.

This has nothing to do with my HFA brain, but to do with me finally admitting, to myself at at least, that I do still hurt and doing my best to find peace of mind, with ALL of that going on.

That's why I needed to assert the boundary because it still hurts.

But recognition of the hurt is the first step to recovery.

I've told you before, I'm still learning and growing too.

If I had it all sorted, I wouldn't be needing BB etc.

But I still hurt, and that's gonna take all the time that it needs to heal.

Healing cannot be rushed.

Tara Brach teached us that we don't just get of our boundaries, we must accept that they are there, and respect them, if we need to we must guard our boundaries, and when something hits up against a boundary, we assert how we feel.

That's all I did man.

I just expressed how I felt.

I still hurt.

And, I accept that I am merely human...and I am going to feel this hurt for a while now until the wound heals, to form scar tissue.

I'm not angry at you Matt.

I really do love you as a brother, so please just respect my boundaries, if I say...that's a boundary, then just leave it at that, and I will give you the same respect.

Thanks

Kaitoa

[1113]

I love you to.

I hurt for you.

I am crying now because of your pain.

Im going back bed

Peace

[SourceShield]

Bro,

This hurt isn't for you to take on board.

That's where we assert a boundary - seriously - because incredibly empathic people, like you and me, just end up taking on other people's stuff.

That can cause more harm than good.

It is my burden to bear.

But I appreciate your Love, Matt <- For real!

You have your own mission, and life purpose.

The hurt has become a teacher for me of sorts, and a guide.

Pain and hurt can lead us back to healing and health, if we let them.

I know that it was never your intention to hurt me - I even said that in the post last night.

I know you were not out to get me and hurt me.

But, a boundary is a boundary, whether your Mum or a stranger hits up against it, it doesn't matter...we can still assert how we feel.

Last night, I still felt the hurt, and so I expressed that to you.

That's all.

This isn't because you are a bad person.

You are not.

You are a good man, remember that!.

As am I.

And, as good men...we must be straight up and share with the world when we hurt too.

Too many men try to mask their hurting with all the other stuff.

I get it.

I did that too.

But, no more.

This is what The BroCode must be used for as well, to give a space for men to share how it has been for them, when they hurt too.

Too many men are hurting inside, and don't know how to express that in a healthy way.

It's time to lead the way, and to show other men, that we can still be 'good men', and 'feel' as well.

---

Okay...

I accept your apology bro.

I forgive you completely.

When I say I forgive...I mean it.

The slate is clear.

I don't hold grudges, at all.

I don't stay mad at my brothers for very long...even if they are boofheads and sometimes say the 'wrong' thing!.

I love you.

You are my brother.

I'm grateful for you.

We talked it through, and I said all that I needed to, if there's more you need to say, go for it.

I will never bring this up again, it's all in the past now.

I'm sorry that you've become upset because of the hurt that I feel.

That hurt, is not yours my bro.

Be at ease now.

All is well...even with all the hurt too, all is well.

---

Bob Marley meet Molly Ringwald

---

Thank you for getting through this with me though my bro...takes a lot of 'strength' to take me on, I can be a tough nut to crack, have you not noticed that yet?.

All jokes aside...just know from my side...

I forgive you.

There are no hard feelings.

And, I will forget that there was ever a problem.

MuchLove.

Kaitoa.

[1113]

Bro,

Boofhead...YLAM

Tough nut.....ILWAU.....im laughing with you.

I will share what just happened to me. It is important for everybody to read!

I felt your pain.

Only because of my pain.

I have had very few brothers.

Two of my life best brothers past away due to drink driving car accidents.

2 years apart.......

I have been afriad of having friends because I couldn't deal with that pain.

You are the first brother friendship i have in 12+ years

My two brothers were like you and I.

Unconditional friendship and could rely on each other for anything.

We could fight and get over it.

It only made the friendship stronger.

I was a part of each of there familys.

I had 3 families.

I must stay strong.

This pain is real.

I have connected to a pain deep inside me.

I just had tears.

I knew you wouldn't be angry bro.

All this soul searching is hard but I am staying with the pain.

I am falling with it. Just for now.

All is well.

I accept your boundaries.

I accept your brotherly love.

All happens for a reason.

Molly Ringwald meet Roger More.

I had a cry. Cuddled my boy and dog. Did some meditation. Had a shower. I sang in the shower.

All is well

Peace

Matt.

Ps

That is a great intention for the brocode. Thank you.

[SourceShield]

Roger Moore meet Mandy Moore

---

I love you Matt!

Thank you my brother...you just made my year!

Thank you for really hearing what I was wanting to convey.

The 'pain', and 'hurt' feelings are there.

We feel therefore we exist.

But we mustn't let grief destroy us, as it does to so many people.

We have recognised the hurt, and that shows that we can now begin to relate to it, rather than from it.

We are more than these hurt feelings.

We are also capable of courageousness, acceptance, peacefulness and empathy.

Healing can not, and also it mustn't be rushed.

That's why we assert boundaries when we need to, and that's why we must stay straight up with each other...if you are hurting, tell me, because you know now that I get it. <- For real.

We are still hurting...that hurt that we feel is valid.

Thank you for opening up to me too.

I'm so sorry that you've lost two brothers.

I feel your pain too my bro.

I cry for you too.

You have my trust brother...I haven't trusted people in a very long time because of all the hurt.

So, it must be time to let the attachment to the "I-Don't-Trust-People" OTT go.

And, so I do.

I feel that other men would benefit from having a safe-space to simply express that they hurt too.

Because in our society still, we have this over the top image of what it means to be a 'real man'.

I am a 'real' man.

You are a 'real' man.

Real men, feel without denial of the feeling.

Real men, accept that we are all weak at times.

Real men, know when to step up and step towards what truly matters.

Love without conditions.

Truth, which sets us free.

Presence, which allows us to be here with each other.

Holistic-health and happiness,which keeps us moving forward.

I made sure to hug Bundy and to mindfully work through all the stuff that I was feeling too.

I want to acknowledge that you and I have done really well.

We didn't walk away from each other.

We have 'talked' it out.

I appreciate your empathy my bro.

Know that you have mine, always.

Thank you Matt.

Sincerely.

I truly cannot express how at ease I feel now.

It's easy for people to assume that it's just me being an over the top gay guy, but I know that it wasn't about that.

I had to tell you that I still hurt.

I had to tell you, so that you could tell me that you still hurt too.

That was the reason that we had to have this chat!.

I'm human like everyone else here.

We both are.

We are growing and moving forward together.

What did you sing?

Peace

Kaitoa

[Shred1106]

Hi guys

Sorry to jump in here but I look at your posts and have great respect for the rapport you have built. Well done!

It's not so easy though to keep on top of things... keep a positive mindset and try to do some relaxing and living at the same time! I am still trying to arm myself with things that help me get through the days and nights...so anything you can suggest ???

SourceShield you mentioned something a while ago but I cannot find the post - being online at the same time each day is difficult for me (privacy) and I will be travelling soon so the time difference and access might pose a problem.

I was invited to Yoga today but didn't feel comfortable about going, plus I have a non compliant body which lets me down continuously. So, here I am dogs in tow, ducks and chooks free ranging and the echidna safely in her burrow...

[SourceShield]

Hey Shred,

I'm sure Matt will agree..but it's good to have you here with us.

Matt and I have built up a strong rapport.

He is a good brother.

Shred, I just want to say though that we aren't meant to stay on top of things all the time.

That's an impossibility.

With all the 'disorders' etc, that we all have going on...it's important that you begin to factor that into your idea of what's normal.

Mental health issues, carry a lot of baggage man.

That takes a lot of compassion to work through, in time.

Honestly Shred...I read your posts and I feel that sometimes you're "trying" too hard.

I can totally relate.

But, there are no quick fixes mate.

Just daily practise.

If your health is important for you, you must find time to practise the relaxation stuff etc, everyday.

No excuses.

We all have 20mins that we can use to just relax.

It takes time to get through all this stuff.

We don't go from being a baby to being an adult.

We don't go from having a diagnosis one day, to being Buddha the next.

The only answer is consistent daily practise.

Matt and I have a daily health and wellbeing journal.

We write down what we are going to do for that day, and we stick to that plan.

We post it on BB, though we haven't lately but maybe we should again if it will help others, to stay accountable.

That's a biggie on the road to recovery.

Would you like to do that with us as well?

What relaxation stuff have you already done?

You're doing really well Shred, with all that you have going on...don't forget that!.

Thanks

Kaitoa

[1113]

Thank you Kaitoa and shredstar,

Today has been a day I will never forget.

I have reach a point of no return, up up up i go.

This is my story-just keep moving, which I now open to everyone. This is now our story-just keep moving.

Who ever is reading, I welcome you all. Have a chat with me.

I have the most kindest friends, family and a very kind and compassionate son.

I welcome you here shreddy. I hope your OS holiday is blessed with fun and happiness. Come and in relax, we are very kind and compassionate people.

There is room for you here. I will make some for you.

Kaitoa,

You know all of me! Even my biggest demons.

I have released my selfness now for the whole world to see.

I have no fear left.

This is me!

I am proud of me!

I appreciate you.

I am ready.

Lets do the bro code!

But, today, for the rest of the day, I will have fun with my family. Going for a swim soon.

I am tired.

But, i must upload a new npt after grief, happiness.

Have a good day people.

I truly feel free.

Mandy Moore meet Michael Buble

Peace

Matt.