My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Bro,

I completely understand it.

More practice I need....master yoda.

You are head cheffy, me apprentice cheffy. I Just need to catch you, and you keep uping the challenge.

Acceptance is new to me. I have always known. Just never accepted until I wrote it today " my abilities".

I maybe a sook......but fast learner I am.....jedi master.

It is strange.......because I have a feeling.... "you must bring everyone together"........Qoute.

I love our crazy stories btw.

Dr strange meet Samantha Foxx

[SourceShield]

Bro,

There are a few lessons from Master Yoda that come to mind...

“Always pass on what you have learned.”

–--Yoda

“You must unlearn what you have learned.”

–--Yoda

I am no more than you, nor no less - We are equals.

I am simply passing on the knowledge that I have learned.

Firstly we must all 'unlearn' all the OTT that we are attached to.

Much practise we all need.

And to balance this out we must seek as many moments in our day and in our life that bring us joy.

Remember that which we call 'joy' on the outside is just the body on the inside, working perfectly and harmoniously.

Keep on moving forward.

I may seem like a hard task master, but it's best to strike whilst the proverbial iron is hot.

Your mind is eager to learn!.

But, we have much more to do and much further to travel...

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

–--Yoda

---

Samantha Fox meet Franz Ferdinand

---

Acceptance is a biggie for all of us.

As we learn to accept more Love into our lives, we awaken even more to Love.

Peace

Kaitoa

[1113]

Zena warrior princess,

I swear to god. If you actually knew me or could reach me through this screen, i would of just got a smack to the back of my head. LAY LAM. LAD she is snoring again. Like a freaking chainsaw.

I will sleep on your last words........

I must talk to my inner guide.....

Franz Ferdinand meet Frank and Beans. LOL Bahahahahaha

I am pissing myself laughing right now because I'm turning off my screen and wont get your reply till the morning. So make it a good one. Boiiii!!!!!

We could write a sci-fi book. Such talent we have!

Goodnight brother warrior

Peace.

Bahahahahaha

[SourceShield]

Matt,

I'm going to ask you nicely.

Please dont effeminise me.

As a child I was teased for be gay.

People assumed that meant that I wanted to be a girl.

I just dont like it.

That's a boundary.

Thanks

Kaitoa

[SourceShield]

Matt,

I'm gonna send this to you now, because it's still on my mind.

This is actually the second time that I have mentioned that this is a boundary for me.

You still don't seem to get it, so I have to assert the boundary again.

But that's it.

We won't be having this conversation again

There are some memories that still hurt me.

And, if I feel that hurt, it is my responsibility to assert a boundary.

I am the only one responsible for my health and happiness.

That's called being emotionally healthy and intelligent.

The only reason that I can finally assert these boundaries, is because for the first time in my life, I am feeling genuinely confident in my true-self.

I would really appreciate if you can just be a mate and accept me, for me, on this one.

Because if there have ever been moments, where hurtful memories have been triggered in you due to something that I have written, that's when you need to step up and tell me.

And that's what I am doing now.

I just don't like being effeminized.

That still hurts.

Please stop.

Not even in "jokes" either.

Still hurts.

I could sit here and write every single reason why that still hurts, but I'm not going to do that.

I'm just asking you to stop doing it.

I know it was not your intention to actually hurt me, and that's why I am giving you the respect to be straight up with you.

I don't appreciate being addressed in that way, at all, maybe someday I will drop that boundary, but that's up to me to decide.

When and where it feels right for me.

So, I'm going to ask you one more time, to please stop from effeminizing me.

I'm just not that kinda gay man.

I just don't like it.

I hope that you can respect and understand where I am coming from but Matt this is a boundary for me.

If that's too much for you to understand, that's fine, but it's probably best that we just leave it at that, because I have learned to respect my boundaries, even if other's don't.

Thanks.

Bye.

Kaitoa

[1113]

Good morning my HFA bro, (high functioning Autistic brother)

I accept you mate. Like a brother should.

I see you......HFA......it must be very difficult.

Sometimes words are read with a filter of what you truly believe deep down. Believe me when I say joke and see that the verbal smack in the back of my head was as expected.

You are worth more than that to me.

My intention was to see how you truly have been feeling!

You help so many people.

You are lost in everybody elses problem.

We have your back too. "We have a good family with us".

Look at all the good you do here. Just for 1 minute.

See all the good you do.

Do you truly believe I think your a girl for being you?

Or, when you see those words......thats how you feel?

Because, I have my hole time here with you, you helping me, been trying my hardest to get your HFA brain to open up to your true self. "It's ok to feel that pain too. The tenderness, mind of a child".

I truly understand you. I truly want to help you too.

But, you are so smart for your own good.

Can I ask you one question? I will be home work from me to you. If thats ok?

How do you truly feel? How do you actually see yourself.

I don't want an instant reply.

I need you to tell me from your heart.

It will hurt, so take your time.

I want you to be free of the "gay" OTT. That is not how I see you!

You already know I accept you as you are. The so called "boundaries" are a shield to your biggest OTT.

I RELEASED MY BOUNDARIES.

YOU HAVE NEVER OFFENDED ME.

IN TRUE BROTHERLY LOVE.

I love you, just as you are! You could be an alien from out of space. That wouldn't make a difference too me.

Frank and beans meet Bob Marley

Peace

Matthew gift from God

[SourceShield]

Matt,

I am not going to release the gay OTT.

Because that's not what this is about.

You dont get it.

Take care man.

Bye

[SourceShield]

Matt,

Boundaries are not OTT, speak to your therapist.

I asked you as a mate to to respect that and instead you throw it in my face and claim that its the HFA or me not accepting that I am gay.

Did you read my reply?

You dont understand me, which is why I have to assert this boundary

[1113]

I'm sorry bro,

I was only trying to help.

My intention was from the kindness of my heart.

Can you forgive me?

[SourceShield]

Thats gonna take time man.

You try to throw being gay and HFA in my face.

You dont know what boundaries actually are - when I asked you nicely to please respect that, and explained why, I didnt need a lecture.

Just a mate.

You couldnt do that.

If I still hurt, I still hurt...can you not see that that is part of my whole story for now?

I opened up to you last night when I asserted the boundary, do you know how hard it was for me to even admit that I am still hurting about all this to you?

I said that the only reason that I can finally assert the boundary is because I have found my true-self, and that includes all the hurt and pain included.

Thats real life Matt.

We dont just get rid of everything in one go, thats why we have boundaries.

Talk to your therapist, theyll explain, if you dont get it.

It was hard for me to admit that I still hurt.

And you throw it in my face.

I know you were "trying" to help.

But, you dont know me like that man.

I forgive you but you dont get to throw my diagnosis and me being gay in my face, because that's another boundary.