My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Bro,

Dinner with the family when well. I kept it cool.

Hows your night?

You all g?

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Clint Eastwood meet Elijah Wood

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Hey bro.

Yeah, I'm all g.

Just took BDogg for a walk, had some lovely dinner, and picked up another personal chef client!.

Just chilling watching atm.

All round, I've had an awesome day.

Glad dinner went well.

But, what do you mean by, "I kept it cool"?.

Are your family dinners usually dramatic?

Peace Mah Nizzah!.

KNizzle

[1113]

Bro,

My family are cool, caring and understanding.

I pick up on to much stuff. Feelings, emotions, expressions..tghts, personalities, body language etc etc. My brain processes way to much stuff. At once. I am getting better. Slow and steady. Need much practice.

I usually freak people out with my convos. So i keep it cool.

I'm way to logical, sometimes logical things that other people don't get or understand........I just get upset with.

So.......I have learnt to keep cool with small talk. But sometimes things just come out. I get a bit upset when nobody listening to each other, everyone talking at once.......with everything else going on in my head......then i detached. But I'm all g now. It just drains all my energy. I read people way to much. I have always done this. When someone talks to me......I'm not just listening....if you get my drift. I can assess someone very quickly when eye to eye. I listen and read atst.

People have always told me there problems too. Ever since i can remember, I have helped people with problems. People usually become scared of me. To logical. 99% of the time I'm right. Which most people don't like. I know things I shouldn't, which can get me in trouble. People think "how did you know that".

Agrophobia is gone..yes. But still not strong enough to keep it all at bay.

I can control it better online cos i can't see anyone.

Does that make any sense?

Ellah Wood meet Wolf the Warrior Princess. LAY just jokes.

Please don't bash me with a princess unless she is a hot Brazilian. LAY again.

Peace

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Wolf Warrior Princess meet Matt The Sook!. <-LAY

You dont deserve any Brazilian girls, more like a blow up doll! <-LAY

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Bro,

Your block is y

[SourceShield]

...have no idea what happened there...

[SourceShield]

Bro,

Your block is your attitude.

I get it, because I am similar, which is why I know...it's never about them, it's always about you, and your beliefs.

You have an OTT that no one gets you.

Release it...and be truly free!.

[1113]

You crack me up.

Hahaha snort hahahaha snort hahahaha snort hahahaha snort hahahaha snort hahahaha snort hahahaha snort

This is a forum for the mentality unstable? Isn't it?

I like really funnh weird stories. Haven't y a noticed that yet?

[SourceShield]

You ARE a funny weird story, haven't you noticed that?

I totally get why you have had this OTT.

You have felt judged by others, for simply being you.

But, judgement is a negative feedback-loop.

You felt judge, so you judged them for judging you, and around it all goes.

It is your responsibility to release the OTT, for yourself.

[1113]

Bro,

PAST post.

Yeah I know.

You are a hard task master. I just released a biggy today you silky little worm.... Lam. The fear ott....I'm still processing........that.

My brain never turns off.

How do you turn yours off?

Matt the sook meet snoop dogg

[SourceShield]

Bro,

You have been misled if you believe that our job is to turn the brain off.

THIS is why we really do the OTT work.

Do you not get that yet?

Because this one is important bro - if you're still stuck on that, just say...I can help you.

This is what mindfulness is all about.

We don't just do mindfulness, because it's what people tell us to do...we do it so we can recognise the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful thoughts.

We can not turn our thoughts off!

We release attachment to all the negative thoughts and beliefs, thats all.

So we can use the mind-body for more creativity, wisdom, clarity and compassion.

There is no space in our life, for anything except the OTT, when we are attached to the OTT.

We can not fulfill our mission attached to OTT.

This is really important.

Be friendly with all your thoughts.

Dont judge yourself for having thoughts, and dont get hooked on the thoughts that dont feel good.

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Snoop Dogg meet Dr Strange

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Peace

Kaitoa