My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

Ya funny paranoid goose!

Just for that I will give you all the juicy-man on man details!!!

Jokes!

Talk soon...

[SourceShield]

Okay...I'm back!

And, I get anxiety bro, believe it or not...I have actually lost jobs, and friends, and even relationships in the past because of the anxiety that over-rode my rational-brain.

You are not alone, but with me...you're gonna have to really just move on from that...you need to have at least one person in the world, that you dont have to explain yourself to...let that be me, okay?

If you do ever insult me...I will tell you, and we will talk it out. Like brothers.

Its that simple.

Like Mary said to me in another post...you just have to believe that you are lovable, and work on that.

You, 6, just have to believe that you are safe with me...I know that we are on a forum, but you never have to explain yourself with me.

I know that you dont have 'brothers'...but this is how real bro's work -if you peeve a bro off, we chat about it...otherwise we are always all good - thats brotherly love, okay bro?

And, I dont wanna have to explain this to you again! - I luvya bro!

Youre so good with me, 'cause I am very straight up and open with my stuff, but you did say that you accept me for me...and that means that I get to share my stuff with you too...and anytime you wanna talk about hetro relationship stuff...go for it!

Most of my male mates, are hetro...in fact all of them are!

I dont get on with many 'of my type' of guys, as friends...I think its because I am so used to being with straight guys that a lot of the guys in my rainbow community annoy me for being so OTT with the drama-queenness!

I can have my moments too, we all can, but some thrive on it...and thats annoying.

I like pro-activity and practical application!

Remember, youre not gonna be a genius at SNORT after the first go!

More like after 4 weeks of sincere practice to rewire the noggin...so be patient with that and you will notice the difference!

With anxiety, stick to the basics...

Stay hydrated.

Ground yourself - feel the earth beneath you.

Anxiety can run away with us, grounding, keeps us here...remember that this too shall pass.

Have you tried 'talking to' your anxiety?

Look up Tara Brach on Youtube, her teachings are amazing!!!

Be well my bro

[SourceShield]

p.s.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man, Im hungry now!

And, thats so good...because, as you know...I havent been eating much at all lately.

Maybe all I needed was more 'special' man2man time, to get my hunger back???.

Anyway, I dont care if it is 10:30pm...when a man is hungry, he must eat!

I have burgers - homemade burgers, of course - in the fridge that must be cooked, and eaten...and I know just the man to do that...ME!.

I hope youre all good bro!

Take it easy on you.

PeaceOut mofo!.

[1113]

Bro and readers,

Lucky me eyes are fuzzy. I just missed the first part of your post. I like knockers btw. Any position.

Spilling me guts on this forum is the only thing helping me atm. If anyone asks me something I reply. I try to fit in and hiding behind this screen is all i got atm. Openness is what it should be about. Right? Humour too and non bias.

I can't look people in the eye. Its that bad. Haven't had any type of relationship/ even friendship except family in... well since my ex cheated and split and ditched all her responsibilities. I wasn't well then.but that didn't stop her! And i don't blame her. I can't handle me either. I can't even hate that action of disgrace.

I'm the type of person who only blames myself. I could never hold another person to blame. It just doesn't sit right with me. I can't get angry pissed off or hate. I don't understand those emotions. They freaking trigger masses of instability.

Your the kindest soul around here...brother..you take your time to understand people. You took me on......under your wing. With not wanting anything in return except a bro. I honestly can't understand why..I criticize, analyze negatively but its all inward at myself. I don't ever look at someone negatively, actually I loath myself that much that I cannot even look another in the eye. For me it's torment, to understand it but unable to overcome it. And it all chemical imbalance. Anxiety is a high, but what goes up must come down. I am a pro at this btw 20 yrs experience. I too could help others.

Bro,

You need to be a community champion,,, Honestly.

You aren't scared to "to tell it as it is". Good sound advice. Experience and wealth of knowledge

All I want is a listener, compassion and maybe I'm addicted to this forum atm. But sh%= its also helping....who would of thought, a forum for mentally ill actually working.

I have extreme/ clinical depression which i can overcome done it many times now. Pick myself up time and time again. Cbt specialist after specialist but it keeps coming back. I've been wrongly diagnosed multiple times. I'm a fighter always have always will. It has suck half of my life away from me, lost many years. I'm a freaking superman in the art of depression. I a freaking highly talented human actually there is nothing I cant do. i haven't come across anything i dont understand and I learnt nothing at school due to being missed or just slipping through the system.

Expt depression

this post took me 2hrs

Lovedogs

✌

[1113]

Hi bro,

Ok. My farm has calmed. I do appreciate your input, maybe I don't handle stuff so good. Im going to continue SNORT HWJT. And I wont leave a brother hanging.

How are you today? Maybe with less intensity, like you said we can always talk it out.

Six

[SourceShield]

Bro,

Thats okay.

It's not you that I am entirely peeved at - I find it interesting that my words were edited for writing about my sexuality, and yet, you're allowed to mention - knockers, and any position.

Seems as if, this hetro paradigm world that we live in, is totally okay with a gay guy being gay...as long as he doesnt talk about how life is 'actually' for him.

Still reinforces the fact that we live in a very 'straight-world' - hetro guys can talk about their hetro relationships but gay guys are edited and still censured.

You see - I am not the most fem gay guy, neither am I the most masc either - I see myself as being very well-balanced in that respect.

But our society doesnt know how to handle that. We still think 'gay' - oh that must mean that he is a flamer and talks in an affected manner... which oddly enough, the world is kinda okay with...easier to pigeon-hole guys like that...its okay to be gay and hyper-fem, the girls best friend kinda gay guy...but not assertive gay guys that arent fem - You probably wont get this at all, because this is the kind of discrimination that gay guys have had to deal with for years - and this is why I am so proactive and speak out - its part of my duty now.

So - lets just leave that one...this fight, is not for you to concern yourself with.

But, your posts this morning, just seemed like you wanting to feed 'the depression beast' - You are not your depression. It just feels that way sometimes, but when you engage with it on that level...all youre doing is allowing yourself to slip back even further.

Youre better than that.

Do I really have to remind you that you have a son?

In times like that...ask yourself, would your son appreciate you talking about yourself in this way?

No - of course he wouldnt.

We all slip, I get it...I really get it.

And, you slipped but when we feed the beast...the beast comes back.

You tell me that you know animals, then...when we feed a dog, it gets attached to us...we are its meal ticket.

When you feed the black dog - it gets attached to you...and keeps coming back for more.

If you are an intelligent guy like you say, then...this is your life work atm...learning how to not feed the black dog.

I appreciate your kind words - I am far too out-spoken to be a com-champion.

Also - remember that you are addicted to the 'depression' but just as you can overcome other physical addictions i.e. drugs, alcohol etc...you can do this too.

Think of your son.

MuchLove.

[SourceShield]

p.s.

Bro,

The fact of the matter is...

...if you look at other threads, this thread, with you and I chatting like we do, is actually very unique for this forum.

You and I, for the last nearly 2weeks have had consistent talks with each other, everyday, sometimes more than once in the day.

About all sorts of topics.

No other thread really has that!

So, our relationship as bros has developed from that.

As you mentioned, I will just say it as it is...that doesnt always go in my favour but I am my own man, and I take full responsibility for that!

You and I now have this opportunity to fully encourage each other to not give into the dark-beast.

So, if you notice me slipping into its darkness again...you must now pull me up on that - I give you full permission to do that!

Also, I will give you the same respect - I am gonna say to you, 'hey bro - whats up with you today?"...

And, I will also be honest and truthful with you.

Because I have nothing to lose from that, and nothing to gain by lying to you.

I expect that same from my brothers!

You are a good soul - its a shame that we dont actually know each other because I feel that then you could really open up, rather than feeling the paranoia from the others on these forums.

I love you brother.

You must be strong now.

This thread is only about how we will beat the dark-beast...rather than give into it.

But when you feel yourself slipping, just let me know...without actually feeding the beast - say...Its that 'time' again...I'm having a beast-moment again, or something to that effect!

But dont let the beast beat you...ever again.

HWJT and SNORT are great starts.

As is your foodie thread...we will fight the good fight together!

Brothers in arms.

MuchMuchMuchLove my bro!

[1113]

Cheers bro,

The "sensors". I get it. They must do what is expected of them. You are right about use being on a completely different level. I actually dont look at many other posts. Even though the whole "world can see" it anyway, i feel it disrespectful to pry into others posts. But thats just me.

We get each other....Its a chef thing.......my boy is like you...im probably at bit like my boy. But when depression hits me I forget a Iot of stuff.

I think people are expriencing exssive trauma...on this thread area "depression".....we maybe meaning well in our intentions, but others maybe having a harder time understanding it may find it traumic, insultive, maybe in bad taste. Ive had posts not even go through at all. I think we must be mindful of them and except a little less of our intensely funny weird and btw awesome convos. Its going to be hard cos thats just us.

Im just going to say that I can look after others and be mindfull of maybe saying some things that could be taken the wrong way.

I was extremely anxious, had lack of sleep, was trying to be a good parent and after a full day of that my slip was unnoticable to even me. I vent my frustration here on this thread and maybe I start to feel something of a normalised feeling. But that is impossible for me at this point in time. Any trigger, deep emotion will send my chemistry nah nahs. Thats evident to me with exssive amounts of anxiety. I got to balance so much stuff.....its difficult.

Here is my plan that hopefully will be helpful to us....the bb community and the moderators. This is a depression thread, so.....lets keep it on that level. The hwjt is a awesome Idea. Lets keep doing that. The stuff that is on a personnal level we can switch to a different thread in the social zone. Like the foodie thing.

Call it something that people will know what it is about and then its at there risk to enter it.....or if there is anyone else like us on the forum they can join too.

What ya think? Brother.... and please if a moderator is reading this a response would be appreciated...

I cant give out my email address but maybe through bb we can organise something.

Peace bro

I feeling cognitively well enough to come with this solution. So that means a lot to me after the last day and a half of trauma.

Muchlove to bro

Six

[SourceShield]

Bro,

If you just wanna keep talking about the depression, as if its something that you cant move on from...then Im out.

That aint me.

I have better things going on.

Bye

[SourceShield]

Youve called it --- My story...just keep moving.

How is dwelling on the depression, moving?

You say that you like to think of others, and yet you expect me to read all your negative ramblings!

Thats why - NO - I will not allow myself to be brought down by no anothers depression.

Ive had enough - I need positivity and I need people in my life that want to move on from what was...rather thanjust talking about the negativity of it all.

Thats what keeps us all down...we need to focus on the light and not the dark.

I think that there are too many people here that think that theyre depressed...and thats always how its going to be...I just cant be around people like that - not in-person and not online.

I need to be with people that really want to be and believe that they can be well.

This whole story of 'my depression' is who I am...is the lie that the depression wants us to believe, if you cant see that and want to just focus on on this being a depression thread, then thats really sad...but thats on you, and not me.

Sorry bro - but on this one...I have to take a stand.