My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Hi esse,

I havent the time or emotional energy to respond today. But I will. I will dig deep and i really appreciate your support. A lot of what you say rings truth. Trust you have....insight you have...my support is yours.

Peace

Six

[SourceShield]

All good brother!.

I get it.

Sincerely.

[1113]

Hi,

I did it dug so so deep.....

I'm gutted, proud, happy, sad, in control, out of control, up, down and confused. I'll start with how much this forum is helping, it's extremely hard for me but I'm peeling layers off everyday. The stories I'm reading, post's I'm contributing to have me feeling loved even though I don't think that I love me. Depression!!!!!!!!. I'm going to open a fresh wound and I'm going thank everyone but especially esse aka SS aka sourceshield for the unbelievable honesty, integrity, insight and friendship he is displaying to all even though he is hurting too. You have a new brother. Thank you thank you thank you. I understand that this is your medicine, I hope I can get to your level. Inspired.

So I'm struggling.......but feel ok.....confused....but balanced atm...so here goes

I'm a single parent with a mental illness, extreme at times. My boy is an amazing person who is Gifted and talented in the top 1.1% of the population. He is in a special class at school, just brilliant. I am so blessed to have him in my life. My number one priority, why I get up, why I just keep moving. So proud..........why is this a wound?

Gnt kids are special needs and so am I. I try my hardest to be able for him, everything thing I do is for him, but when I'm not well I feel like I maybe neglecting my relationship and I can't do a dam thing about it. He is so smart and loves me unconditionally and tries to understand and probably does. He has feelings too. The discussion tonight was about his mum. The story is my most recent wound which I have buried deep inside me for his benefit, I had no other choice he needed a parent. This one has been festing inside me for 7 years, just simmering away and eating me inside. I want to burst SCREAM GET ANGRY EXPLODE but I can't feel anything. I freeze and push it deeper down with all my might. It stops me from loving life me, everything is just an act which I am extremely good at. Much practice. I don't know who I am like who is me.......My heart just cracked wide open and I so afraid that my whole body is cover in goosebumps. So I'm going to stop here for today.............but this is one of many wounds I've buried going all the way back to when I was a child. Maybe my strength to open up will grow in this environment. Im crying and dead inside........but ok.

Thankyou

love all your souls

Cyber cuddles to everybody hurting.

Six

[SourceShield]

Hey bro!

I'm really nosey, okay?

And, I have two questions to ask you...not to pry, but because as your brother I must ask you.

Do you blame yourself for your sons condition?

I get him.

Me and him are probably in the same IQ-Group.

As you know I have HFA with a 160 IQ - its a blessing and it can be a curse.

Then theres the issues on top of all that...but we can learn to be as healthy and as happy as we wanna be!

And, the next question is...

Can you forgive yourself for the sake of your boy?

He loves you man.

He just needs you to be as happy as you can.

You are his god, his top-gun, and dad!

You must learn to be okay with you now, please bro.

Thats all I ever wanted for my crazy parents and family...just be happy.

But, there wasnt much love going around in my home.

But, YOU have LOVE now man, YOU have the love of a son, and he you.

You must honour that love, cherish that love and guard that love with a gentle heart.

I believe in you brother.

Lastly - as I mentioned in another post, crying is one of the ways that the body naturally and healthily releases the build up of stress (cortisol and adrenaline).

We must allow ourselves to cry, if that is what the body needs to do...go with the body, and not against it.

You mentioned yesterday that you wanna run again as well, DO IT!

Great way to boost testosterone levels, as is meditation and lifting weights.

The testosterone boost will help you to balance out the emotions, okay man?

Fight the good fight, brotherWarrior.

MuchLove

Genuinely&Truthfully

[1113]

Hey bro,

Thankyou, something amazing happened to me yesterday. Can't really explain what it is, just a feeling deep in my soul.

Blame? I've never thought of that and its hard for me to get my head around. my son is the best thing in my life. Sometimes its hard. I feel so strongly for him, when he is not happy I know. Empathic. And vice versa.

Forgive myself? Cannot even answer that. I'm kind and caring and would never hurt a soul. But i do blame myself for everything that has happened in my life even if it wasn't my fault.

So confused, kind of answered both questions in a messy way.

Looking deeper, see if you can straighten that out.

Peace Six

[SourceShield]

Hello Bro,

I KNOW you will straighten out what needs to be straightened out, and I am here for you whenever you need extra support man.

Life is Chaos and Order, working in perfect synergy - so its not about avoiding the messy because thats impossible -IMHO - but how about just diving head first into the mess...have you tried that?

Giving into the chaos, just for a little.

We have to go through the dark of the night, to be greeted by the glow of the morning sun.

All the answers that you seek, are within...and all that jazz!

You are not to blame brother...in fact there TRULY is NO blame.

I could get into the science of that as well, if you want me to explain that deeper.

Or, just trust that your son, and his condition are actually at least a trillion blessings in disguise...

Your mission - or at least one of them, should you choose to accept it - is to discover what the many blessings are...I bet you already know some, but as your love and empathy grows deeper for each other...so too will the blessings, as long as you stay focused on the LOVE that you both have for each other.

Forgiveness, is an amazing power...give it a go, when you are ready.

You're worth it brother.

ShieldsDown.

PeaceOut.

[Doolhof]

Hi Moonstruck,

It is a little confusing when you receive different opinions regarding matters like seeing Drs.

I'm commenting on a post you sent through a few days ago.

Have you decided what you want to do with regards to Drs?

There has certainly been a lot of traffic here on this thread since you were mentioning Drs.

It is wonderful that people are here to help and support each other.

Not sure what else to suggest to you in regards to medical help.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[1113]

Hello bro,

I get it. Shields down and just be. No need to explain the science. Fully understood. Just going to keep moving without my blindfold on. Purposely mindfully holistically. Emotional intelligence............#1

Physical therapy.................#2

My list will grow

And do it for me firstly. If you don't love yourself how can you love another.

Now about you....

I do hope that you got outside today, and you are living your life with the wisdom you show others. I'm here to support you too, only I haven't worked out how. But don't underestimate me, my mind will find some way, still evaluating your situation.

Peaceout.

Six

[SourceShield]

You're a blink'n mind reader!!!

I'm just about to take my beautiful mutt for a walk!

I love him dearly.

He too is like a brother to me, and the only 'family' that I have had in OZ, for the last 12 years.

A gorgeous Wolfhound, he is...he is getting on though.

He's just turned 12yrs himself - which is quite old for a big hound, such as he.

I will definitely need a lot of support when he passes.

Thank you for reflecting the wisdom back to me brother.

TrulyAppreciated.

[1113]

Bro,

I love dogs. There has never been a part of my life without one. Animals just get me and I them. dogs, horses, i have a tropical fish tank in my lounge room.

Have you thought about getting a new pup before he goes. Dogs have an amazing ability to learn from an older dog. Some of his personality will be passed on to the new pup. And you will still have love when he goes. Maybe only half the pain.

Just an idea and I'm sure your heart is big enough for two.

enjoy your walk

Six