My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[Zeal]

Hi 1113,

I hope you don't mind me posting on this thread for the first time! I was curious, and I enjoyed reading your last post.

Running half marathons and your own business are huge achievements. I like your dog metaphors for various depressive/mood states, especially the golden lab one!

It's great that you see a GP and specialist to help keep 'the black dog' under control. I take regular medication (an SSRI) for my OCD, which helps my serotonin imbalance. I may have to take this medication for many years to come. I started it 4 years ago, at 19. I am also a non-drinker, and I have always been this way. It is not overly common for people my age to completely abstain from alcohol, but it is what I have firmly decided on. It is wise for people with ongoing mental health conditions (especially requiring meds) to be mindful of alcohol.

I like your daily routine by the way - taking your son to school, and then fixing things and working on projects when you get home. Just keep moving - that's a good phrase for people with depression.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[1113]

Hi Zeal,

I dont mind you posting here, the more the merrier.

Just keep moving for me is more than a phrase, its a beleif in myself. Faith, although sometimes its blind. But that is the nature of depression.

Have a good one

1113

[Doolhof]

Hi Moonstruck,

Have you thought of consulting a different Dr. to discuss your options for assistance. We all have the choice to see someone else. You can always go back to your original Dr.

It may help to chat to the support people at BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 when you are needing immediate help. I have been at work, felt like I just needed to get out of there and run away, have used the phone help line and the person I was chatting to helped me to rationalise what was going on in my head.

For me, my safe place seems to be the garden. Not so good when it is hailing or blowing a gale! Ha. Ha.

Anti Dep medication is what keeps me going. Everyone is different. Depression comes in different forms. For me it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and can be made worse by circumstances.

Without medication I am a suicidal lunatic, angry, aggressive and not much use to any one but a building wrecking team!

Some people are able to manage their depression without medication, which is fantastic for them. For me it is not a case of being addicted to the medication, it is like a person with diabetes needing insulin, my body needs the medication.

I'm really sorry you are struggling so much. I would advise you see another Dr. There are some medications that you can take for a short period of time just to give you a boost and help you for the short term. Not all people are on huge levels of medication either.

Is there someone who could drive you to some of your appointments? That might help if possible.

On a good day, go for a short walk so your mind gets used to the idea that it is safe outside.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi 1113, Zeal, Moonstruck and Everyone Reading,

Keeping moving and active can certainly help with depression.

For me lately I have kept myself busy in the garden. We have a massive amount of weeds on our 2 1/2 acres near the house, some of which can not be mowed down. We don't have the money for that much weed killer either!

Weeding is physical, plus I have a sense of achievement when I look at what I have managed to do.

In the evenings I do some kind of craft. I recently crocheted a blanket for my sister's Birthday.

For fun I have brought my paints out. I have no idea how to paint, but do know how to hold a paint brush! Splashing colour about can be relaxing. As can colouring in.

I like the idea of restoring old stuff.

Finding something we enjoy doing is very beneficial.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools.

[Moonstruck]

Dear Mrs Dools - once again I am confused about GPs and being free to seek advice from an alternative one?

Dr Kim from Forum, (her reply kindly explained by Chris B) on another thread, have advised against seeing 2 GPs at the same time. I would have to start from scratch (picking another GP at random I guess through the yellow pages? How would I know I was choosing a suitable one for me, one I had some kind of rapport with?)

Telling the new one my extensive, (and life-threatening medical condition, Brisbane Specialists follow-ups, current surgery procedures - plus the lengthy history) and sever ties with my current GP who has all my paperwork, files, history etc!

the decision is a monumental one, when all I want to do, is enquire about anti depressants from an alternative GP! I may get the same answer, who knows?

At present my mood is getting lower and lower. My home is no longer my sanctuary due to invasive, aggressive, intimidating behaviour by the neighbour in the next unit - the panic attacks have begun, even when driving home towards what was previously a "safe place" (my home)

I have logged onto BB this morning with the intention of looking up Suicide Call Back and what it is as I am feeling suicidal. I just happened to come across your post and hence this answer.

I thought Suicide Call Back was when someone called you back again later to ascertain if you were OK. Apparently it's not.....is it a Call Back Service AFTER someone has attempted suicide, to see how they are going? The emotions and motivations for taking this path are getting stronger and stronger, particularly now I feel so unsafe in my own home. I feel stuck and imprisoned in my life...I cannot move, left, right, ahead, or back....only out!

[Sophie_M]

HI Moonstruck
I just wanted to drop in and let you know that the Suicide Call back service provide free phone, vdeio and online counselling for anyone affected by suicide so if your thougths of suicide continue to be as strong as you describe I would encourage you to contact them, 1300 659 467. If you want to know more you can have a look at this page of their website, https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/about. They can talk through what is happening and give you support about how to get through this really tough time.
Take care
 

[1113]

Hi Moonbear, hahaha.

I hope you dont mind me calling you moonbear, i have this thing when i make up names for every one I meet. Its a quirk of mine that generally confuses everybody, but after a while people find it endearing. I hope your ok now. Im not sure what makes you happy, but try to remember it then make yourself do it. I just pushed myself to wash my car. I really didnt want to but it had been 3months since i washed it and i live on a dirt road, so it took awhile. I am a libra. Always weighing things up and a natural moderator. But when things are not balanced for me i go crazy. Meds are the only thing that bring back that balance. I Dont find them addictive nor do i rely on them. I dont let my dr tell me what to do. I tell him what i want and how i feel. If I feel suicidial i go to emergancy at the hospital. You can get many opinions at the hospital, they even have a pshyc team.

Feel better soon

1113

[Moonstruck]

OK 1113 you can call me Moonbear. I rather like it.

Thank you to SophieM,Chris B and whoever was involved in dealing with my dilemmas yesterday and replying with concerns and suggestions for follow ups.......sorry to have worried you. As you can see, I am still on Planet Earth and walk among you all. No need to put out the Man Overboard call just yet.....i will be OK.....flowers to you all.

1113 - you can come down to my seaside paradise home and wash my car any time you like....please!

[1113]

Moonbear,

I was worried. Although I don't know you personally and I haven't been on beyond blue for very long. I still somehow understand a lot of people who post here. I think it's because we all have something in common even though we are all individuals. I find it hard to express my feelings because I am a man and was raised by farmers. All this stuff is new to me and difficult to express. It's a layer of my large onion (life) I have to peel in order to find out what is at my core. Onions still make me cry.

Opening up still fills me shame, men dont have feelings.

Sigh of relief

Seaside beach house sounds like heaven.......


Please call me six, thanks to sconnor

[SourceShield]

Hey Six!

I too experience major depressive episodes.

My first when I was 11yrs - I still have the scar on my left wrist where I attempted to kill myself.

A reminder of how low I was...I was only a child.

Since then I have experienced major depressive episodes on and off, over the years, and now the anxiety of experiencing another one...is enough to bring one on!

I hate it.

I hate feeling weak.

In fact, I could feel one coming on this weekend but instead of giving into it...I allowed myself to reach out on BB, in various posts.

If I can change and improve my way of thinking...everyone can!

Being gay and growing up in my neighborhood, I was brutalised mercilessly.

I taught myself to be tough...but at a cost.

I've not trusted people that I should have trusted, and I've trusted people that I KNOW will do me wrong.

Its like I had it all twisted, things that most people consider common-sense, I sometimes find incredibly difficult to get my head around.

I have learned that harnessing emotional-intelligence - essentially ones emotional-potential, and emotional-competence - essentially how one uses ones emo-intelligence, which is the full and complete picture of how our emotions work, this is like a super-power these days!

Look around and you'll see a LACK of emo-intelligence and competence everywhere, and yet it is because we emote, as humans - YES men too, that distinguishes us from our animal friends - literally, it is that we have the neo-cortex, that enables us to FEEL our way through life - where the beast must do what the beasts instincts tell it to do...we can pause, think, feel, respond...

I just wanted to fully and completely support you, as you learn to express - in a way that is best and right for you, bro.

It really is survival of the fittest...and that aint just physical but holistic, right?

Body

Mind

Emotions

...and for many of us, Spirit too.

There is no rushing this, this is not a competition but just a major part of our purpose, here on Earth.

MuchLove brother!

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