My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Thanks mrs d,

I received your cyber hug, much appreciated.

I am currently medicated and I saw my Dr 2 weeks ago I am saying counsellor. The heavy medications I am talking about other one's for extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I refuse to have those.

The best way for me to explain my major depressive episodes would be like throwing a massive Rock into a lake. When the rock it's the water it's kind of like a black hole. The Rock drags down the water right in the centre. The centre for me is the extreme symptom, which is such a large dose of anxiety that makes me agoraphobic. That Centre black hole that only lasts a few seconds in the water is a few weeks for me. But that is not the only thing that happens when you throw a rock in the water, the first wave of water coming from the centre is the biggest and they gradually gets smaller as the waves dispersed in the circle with each wave getting smaller and small.

[Doolhof]

Hi Again,

I may not get time to use the computer tomorrow so I am sending through some more posts tonight.

Thanks for sharing your picture of how depression and anxiety feel for you. For me it is like I am in a tunnel, I can see a tiny glimpse of light in the distance but am not really sure how to get there. Sometimes the fight feels like it is too much and I just sit where I am for a while or roll up into a tight ball.

I've never needed to go on the super strength medication, so I don't know what that is like. It is a bit frustrating when the medication is there to help with depression, (mental health issues) but some can have side effects.

Sorry to read your episodes last for weeks. On this different medication I am usually feeling a bit better after a few days.

By the way, I really like your picture. When I look at it, I keep waiting for a couple of people to go and sit on the bench or for a deer to walk past!

I may be out most of the day tomorrow then have a meeting to attend in the evening.

I do so hope that you have a good day. Do you have plans for the weekend? Sunday I'm going to have lunch with a girl friend.

I'm hoping that rock of yours has a life jacket on it so it doesn't sink but floats for a change!

Cheerio for now from Mrs. D

[1113]

Just keep moving episode 2

With extreme symtoms

when I get a major depressive episode with extreme symtoms my first reaction is "not again". I think ive been through this before and dread the coming waves of ups and downs. I dread the chemical imbalance and fighting the crazy thoughts, feelings and physical toll it has on my body. I gain weight at an alarming rate and the medication doesnt help that either. On top of that I get seritonin syndrome. Thats when you produce to much seritonin and it backs up causing much distress, sometimes a trip to the hospital is in order. The medical knowledge around why this happens lacks in a big way. Usually I have to stop my medication and try something different or cut it back to an amount that doesnt cause the syndrome, which only brings back the extreme symtoms.

Round and round in circles.

Time and inner strenght is the best cure for me.

Just keep moving

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[Doolhof]

Hi 1113,

I'm really sorry to read you are struggling so much and have such a torrid time with the serotonin problem!

I've just had to stop taking some medication that was for a physical problem. That really messed with my head big time! Medication is wonderful when it works well.

I'm really sorry too that you are experiencing a roller coaster ride of highs and lows and emotions. That really sucks doesn't it!

I've just had three nights at the beach. It only took me two minutes to get to the beach from where I was staying, but on two of those nights I couldn't even make it that far to go and watch the sun setting, something I enjoy at the beach.

This morning before I left the beach I had a 1 1/2 hour walk! Yet I couldn't walk for two minutes the pervious evening to watch the sun set.

Why is this so? I have no idea. Depression confuses me at times. Like you wrote time and inner strength!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[1113]

Hi Mrs drools, haha

I will never lose my sense of humor even if most dont get it.

Dr reduced my meds then this;

I took a pretty big drive 2 days ago. One minor fixable problem sent me so low that I wanted to go away for good. This extreme low takes so long to recover from and has left me with full body tremors. I went to the hospital to have a full check over and everything came back good, only no explaination to my uncontrolable body tremors and complete lack of body strenght. Its all in my head. So fead up with this horrible thing that controls every second of my day. But I just have to keep moving.

[Doolhof]

Hi 1113,

It is interesting how deep and strong feelings of depression can make a person feel like they want to run away, while for others it drives them to their beds.

I'm usually the type that wants to run away. Thankfully we have a reasonably large block here, so just going tot he point furthest from the house works for me, that or a long walk.

For a while now I have been wanting to put my tent up in the back yard, that is a form of escape for me as well. Until yesterday it has been so windy and cold here, I thought the tent might blow away. Now all of a sudden it is hot!

Maybe next week the tent might go up.

Uncontrollable and unwanted body reactions to mental health and medication are annoying aren't they! For me it is headaches that last for months. Some days I am so tired I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. Then I have a days where I feel great.

I moved rather quickly this morning when I discovered a snake under a bush I was weeding near! The snake and I looked at each other then I backed off!

Hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Drools Ha. Ha.

[1113]

Hi Mrs d,

Thanks for the response. I just have to say that people who suffer from mental illness shouldnt be looked down on by society. It takes incredible strength and determination to keep moving when you have no control of your pyhsical being. If I didnt have this problem then nothing in this world would hold me back. I could sore like an eagle and gracefully take on anything the world placed in my path. The mental strength I have from managing major depression and contuining with life is infinate. Yet it grounds me daily. To know and not do is an injustice.

If you can see a snake you are ok. They are peaceful creatures. Its when your unlucky enough to step on one that they defend themselfs. Stand still and enjoy the beauty of nature. Just beware of snakes in the grass.

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since we have no place to go, let it snow let it snow let it snow.

Getting in the spirit.

1113

[Doolhof]

Hi 1113,

I'd like to think that some people out there understand mental health issues, but I know there are many who don't. For a while there seemed to be quite a bit of advertising regarding mental health issues, depression especially. I haven't seen so much of that lately.

A local mental health support group have decided to change the "Black Dog" into a "White Dog" and have placed a statue of a white dog in the medical centre.

I understand they are trying to look at depression in a more positive light, part of me feels like it is taking away the significance and impact depression can have on a person's life. I can see both side.

I'm very thankful that a group I volunteer with did not accept my resignation months ago. They have been accepting of my depression and moods so I am thankful for that.

Understanding and accepting depression is difficult for the sufferer at times, let alone the general public who have never experienced it.

Hope you are doing okay.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Moonstruck]

Dear Mrs Dools...Drools.....Not sure I agree with the change to White Dog either actually! Of course we want to see life, and people's circumstances in a positive light, giving hope and encouragement.......but......still doesn't sit well with me for probably the reason you suggest.

We can't minimise what a dragging, huge looming dark presence depression can be...hence Winston Churchill's description of his "Black Dog". It seems to have stuck over all these years, because it fits, that's why!

I am getting lower and lower and have always noted with interest the many mentions on here of anti deps. it does sound a bit scary that you have to "find the right one" and "things may get worse before they get better" also how they have saved the lives of so many, been the only way they could function and get any motivation from life etc.

Well, neither of these is a problem for me as my GP refuses to prescribe them or even let me try.

My d.i.l. has just begun a course after being off them for a few years and has improved greatly! Thank God she did, she said she has motivation, hope, interest in life again...so that's great to hear.

I don't drink (for medical reasons) and have nothing to alleviate my mood, which is getting lower and lower. I don't want to go outdoors, even open the house. It has become an effort to get in the car and go where I have to. I don't want to see or speak to people. I am afraid all the time. I had agoraphobia some years back and it was about lunch time and a few drinks during the morning before I had the courage to leave the house.

sometimes I had to ring and cancel appointments, make up an excuse because I couldn't leave. I had panic attacks in the car while driving, so used to turn around and get home again where I was safe. I don't want my mood to get back down to this again.......but my GP and the psych/counsellor she referred me to, seem to brush it aside when I ask about Anti deps...saying "you can become dependent on them"....end of discussion.

[1113]

Hi moonbear and mrs drools,

My depression has been with me for a long time. I can cope well enough to run half marathons, run a business with employees etc etc. In my experience its always with me, black dog or white or golden lab, doesnt bother me. I dont put much thought into labels. I become chemically unstable at times. My brain is capable of amazing things and I also understand why it happens to me but still unable to stop it. I have had all the extreme symtoms under the sun and then one day its gone!

I have a gp and specialist, but I always seek a second oppinon. Meds make me feel dirty inside but have benifits. When i am feeling better i slowly back off the meds but never stop taking them.

I dont drink either, that is a sure fire way for me to become unstable. At the moment i am restoring an old thing. I get up in the morning take my son to school then go home and do hands on work with my thing. Even if I cant remember what im doing and most of the time i forget where i put things, what stage im up to. But I just keep moving. This has been the best thing for me over the last 20yrs and i have restored a lot of things. Each major episode i restore an old thing. Its like bringing life back into something dead and bringing the feeling of life back to me at the same time.

Just keep moving

1113