Just want to Shout out

[Guest_1055]

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Mrs D,

Yes some days can be teary. To be honest I think I probably cry everyday. Some sad and happy tears. It's is a good thing to let out emotions in tears I think.

If you were feeling sad though I am sorry. But you know how you were talking about perspective well I guess one could use it now. As sad as sad feels sometimes I wonder if it really helps us to appreciate the happy or joy when it comes, or something like that.

Are you used to your hubby going away then? Maybe you could stay with a friend for a bit.

The little brown snake sounds like he has found a nice private spot. Or so he thought. Those leaves can be long and sort of clumped together can't they?

That sounds pretty easy doing what your psych suggested there. I am imagining you would find it easy too Mrs D, as you come across to me as someone who is aware of what is around you. The disconnected feeling I sometimes feel is to other people. It is a challenge to explain it.

Good on you for doing the housework too.

May you find peace in your heart Mrs D. Have a good one tomorrow.

Hugs

Shell x

[Doolhof]

Hi Shell,

Thanks for your support and encouragement. This will be the 3rd holiday my husband has taken overseas in the last 4 years with out me. I have a mixed bag of emotions mixed up around this. Part of my mental health issues is Borderline Personality Disorder where it can become very distressing relating to people and having trouble coping with their absence.

At least these days with modern technology we can keep in touch a lot easier.

Regarding the disconnection, do you feel like you are playing the part in a movie and everyone are just acting around you with no real sense of connection? That is how I describe it anyway.

The neighbours haven't been for a walk lately so I am planning to go for an hour's walk later today. I am looking forward to that.

I might try to make a different type of bird out of felt or material. The penguins are coming along okay, I finished one last night. I also have a crochet blanket I am doing a little like a patchwork quilt, it will be interesting to see how that turns out.

Jolly snakes! Ha. Ha. Yes, the agapanthus build up a huge amount of dead leaves. I am cleaning up the drive way side only and leaving the other side for the creatures to all live in. They just need to relocate to the other side of the plants. Ha. Ha.

Last night we lit the wood fire to dry off the washing. It was warm and cosy in the house last night! I also had a fire in the garden a couple of days ago to burn up the rose cuttings and other dried out cuttings. That was fun.

Hope you have a lovely day Shell,

Cheers all from Mrs. D.

[Guest_1055]

Good Morning Mrs D and anyway else,

Maybe the feeling you feel when hubby goes away is a bit like a security thing, you know how little ones have a blanket, favourite toy or something else that they find comfort in. Or perhaps you don't feel included in his life there, or a feel of abandonment? I have felt those last two things I mentioned. Hope you don't feel disrespected Mrs D or anything by what I just said?

Anyway what is the penguin constructed from? Is it a sewn one? I attempted to crochet once, right around a face washer. I could not get my hands and fingers to co operate. A crochet patchwork blanket sounds nice and homey. I have sewn the top for a patchwork quilt. Anyway good on you!

About the connection thing... Mmm not sure if the sensation I sometimes feel is like that of a movie. Maybe more like feeling like I am in a dream somehow. I am certain of one thing though when I stay close to God life does feel more real.

Cosy warm fires...love them. Where we live there is two boarded up fire places. I so much long to smash the boards and use the fireplaces. Though in winter I do like to snuggle in quilts.

Currently I am wrapped in a quilt, listening to a song singing about grace, no it just finished. A song called Hello Beautiful is playing. Have you heard it? It is one of my favourites at the moment. A group called MercyMe sings it.

See you....

Shell xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Shell,

I certainly don't feel like anything you write is disrespectful, it helps me to have a different person's perspective on things as it helps me to work out how I am feeling. Abandonment fits well as well as being left out. My Mum used to run away from home when we were kids. She could be gone for weeks at a time. Dad didn't know how to look after us and worked three jobs at one stage. We would all get palmed out to different families.

That may well be where my tendencies began. As an adult I can now understand Mum's depression and her needing to run away. I wouldn't be surprised if she could be diagnosed with BPD as well.

The penguins are made of fabric and stuffed with wadding. I'm going to enjoy making some other birds with more colourful material.

In the past I have made about three quilts and have a couple I need to finish off. With winter coming, that would be a good activity to do. One quilt has a lot of applique work on it using the old Sun Bonnet Susan pattern. My Mum introduced me to that.

While hubby is away I can set the sewing machine up on the kitchen table and not have to pack it up all the time. Thanks for the encouragement!

I have heard of MercyMe but don't know the name of any of their songs. I will try to remember to check that one out.

Guess I am also a little frustrated hubby has a hundred and one things to do before he leaves and there seems to be little time for us in all of that.

I did enjoy some time in the garden this afternoon and did not see one snake which was lovely! Ha. Ha.

Cheers for now. Tonight I am going to watch Hubby and the team play indoor carpet bowls. I am the supper lady and enjoy a chat with everyone.

Chat again soon, from Mrs. D.

Oh yer, you are right about God, He certainly gives me hope when the darkness hits! Cheers.

( Hi All, I do realise a lot of people do not have a connection with God, so please don't feel this comment is offensive in any way. Everyone has their own beliefs and ways of thinking. )

[Croix]

Dear Shell~

Thank you for those glimpses of happiness in

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

They reminded me straight away of my happiness with my grandparents on the beach, doing much as you did. I wove seaweed into bracelets as I recall. I'm sure those glimpses are going to resonate with lots of others too.

Croix

[monkey_magic]

Hi shell,

I listened to that song by mercy me, it's a good 1!

[Guest_1055]

Hello Steph,

Yeah isn't it? The first time I heard it the tears fell big time.

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Hello Croix,

I am glad my happy memory woke up happy memories with your grandparents at the beach. And as I know you were in the U.K...well it reminds me have two beaches I went to whilst over there. One was Blackpool. And the other, which I don't recall the name of, well it was all pebbles. I remember walking on it, thinking it was strange, as the only beaches I was used to were all sand.

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Hello Mrs D,

I think I attend to agree with you ,in that the abandonment issue in you may have stemmed from childhood. As I think that is where mine stemmed from. Also I wonder if you have known of the" Five Love Languages "? If not you can do a quiz for free online to find out what yours is. There is a love language called "quality time ". What this one means is you feel loved and give love the best by spending time with someone. And in that that time you desire focused attention by the other. And if it doesn't happen well you may feel unloved, neglected and yeah abandoned. I am guessing the people with this particular love language may be more sensitive to the feelings of abandonment. I am primarily this love language also. Anyway it could explain why you feel the way you do in regards to hubby or something. I would be interested to know what yours was. Also when these feelings come about in me, that is the unloved, neglect and a sense of aloneness or abandonment, well it can lead to a depressed state as well.

Anyway I am aware you are struggling at the moment, and I wonder if the fact your hubby is busy getting ready for his trip, thus maybe not spending as much time with you has triggered this latest sad time. I don't know, but I wonder if it is all connected somehow in you??

The quilt top I have sewn is unfinished as well, reason being I am unsure and not confident as to what to do next. I know it needs a backing and wadding for the inside. But I am not confident on how to hold the three layers in place, so it can be sewn together. I will get there though.

Hug big time Mrs D

Shell xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Shell,

A couple of years ago a mental health nurse had me looking at The Five Love Languages. I don't recall what mine was. I do have the book here, so I might read that again and look into the quiz again on the internet.

There are a few reason I am upset about my husband going away. This is his 4th trip overseas without me. He tells me we can't afford for both of us to go. Same when he goes to Melbourne, he goes with his mate to share costs. I get that but at the same time the inequality hurts. I get to have a 2 night holiday in a caravan park close to us at that is my holiday!

I suggest we go to dinner and the movies so he organises to go with a mate.

For years I have done 3/4 of the gardening and most of the house work. I asked if he could help wash my car as my back is bad and he says no, buy goes out and washes his car.

He will bring a pack of Tim Tams into the lounge room and offers me one. I ask for another and he says the rest are for him.

The only time I get to watch anything I like on T.V. is when he is using the computer or he is not home.

So it isn't just the feeling of abandonment, it is a lot more. If I am watching a show and he wants to watch the footy, he will just come in and change the station to the footy. I tell him I was watching the show, he tells me he has to watch the footy and holds onto the control.

Oh dear. I am having such a grump here.

I'm going to head off and do my stretches for my back!

Hope you are doing okay Shell, Hugs to you from Mrs. D.