Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK~

I'm glad it looks like the carers situation and NDIS may not be as bad as you feared. It is terribly easy to feel that it is not going to work out and you will be left to your own resources. Being overwhelmed at the thought and crying is natural and most of us do at one time or another.

I wish your carer had more understanding of what you were going though, that way they would not react as if it was unexpected but offer encouragement and sympathy and treat it as a normal reaction.

There are some people that simply deserve admiration, both you and Grandy are such people. The pair of you live with and overcome huge adversity.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello ER, Croix & everyone

Thank you all again.

I don't know about deserving admiration, but I thank you for the compliment, Croix

& ER, I am trying to do my best, thinking about what I write to people here. That old saying, "Stick & stones..." etc, I think is just about the most untrue thing I hear people sometimes say. As is "Ignore them & they will stop.", whether 'them' is people, their behaviour & words, or the thoughts & feelings we have in response.

Sometimes, it seems to me the only way through is straight down the middle; diving in head first with or without my eyes open. Sometimes I've felt pushed into dealing with my past & present - ready or not, here it comes.

How effective would other responses from me be?

Trying to ignore, deny, run away from or combat what is going on inside me hasn't worked out so great. It does seem to me the most effective way to act is to to face what's going on & observe it, my reactions, & question those initial reactions, & ask myself is there another response I can take, or another way to look at things, to understand things, to view my own emotions & thoughts about it - I don't have to continue to react in the same way I have before.

Yeah, I do find it frightening to open up & show feelings, to even talk about them, as I've said, even to my PDr. I think, instead of opening the door, wide & saying here I am, I am holding onto the door, keeping it in front of me, peeking out, checking if it is safe, but not yet daring to step out into the open. I feel so wary. So wary, I'm not sure I've yet been totally open to myself. I could easily, still be hiding deper parts of myself, from myself.

Hearing different voices here, helps me sort out what I think. Naturally, when people are saying different things, we will question, agree or disagree, or realise that's something we need to think more about before coming to any conclusion. That's what's good about talking to people.

Getting late, & I won't get to every Notification I've got waiting, so goodnight, ... "& thanks for all the fish".*

Hugzies

mmMekitty

* Douglas Adams

[Croix]

Dear MK~

Talking of Douglas Adams I thought of you for some reason when I remembered this quote:

Ford. You're turning into a penguin. Stop it!

I quite agree about the power of words, of course they can injure, however like many injuries they may fade over time, particularly if examined from a fresh perspective. I can now often see what has been said or done in terms of the limitations of the speaker, and this gives the words a lot less effect. When my parents disinherited me and I realized there had never been any love there it felt horrible, and I doubted myself as much as them . Now I see them for what they were.

Being pushed into memories all at once cannot be good, being nudged occasionally probably is. Things are rarely all or nothing, and time is a friend when used, rather than reacted to.

I found now I will talk about any part of my life, but it took a long while. For years I did not let on to even my psych I was suicidal. there seems to be some built in reluctance ot open up, I'm not sure why.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

[smily face] I don't know how you keep coming up with these quotes, Croix, I can usually only recall watching in general, & subsequently, have a feeling of familiarity when I watch the movies or tv shows again. Mind, that's why it doesn't bother me to listen to my favourite audiobooks over & over again.

I've wondered why I don't speak more about some things, including such thoughts & feelings which you mention. Those thoughts & feelings are something like 99% submerged anyway, like something which has been incorporated into my basic make up. I'm aware but feel it's no longer anybody need concern themselves about. 

When such feelings & thoughts have been more prominent, I would have not said anything because I wanted the option; I was afraid, on one hand, that my thoughts & feelings would not be taken seriously, while on the other, they would. & I have come to realise, sometime in my thrities, that in the state of mind & mood I was in I didn't feel enough energy to take the thoughts & feeling & put them into action. It was like I didn't care enough to even try anymore. That's where I was then.

I am in a very different place in my mind, now. I can't imagine I could hide my mood if it was to get so low, again. I think my PDr is very observant. If something was to change & if my mood was affected, & my behaviour would show it, & I think I'd have trouble speaking to him like I do now - I'm sure he'd notice.

I'd like to say muy GP would too, but how can I be sure when I can barely see a GP for a whole year before they are off to another location, or something else? 

I met another GP today. He seems to be more interested, more willing to explain & consider what I need. The one I've been seeing for a while now, she is abrupt, & I feel she has no interest in explaining, or going into detail, not even so much as to tell me what dose of a new med she has prescribed,(following the advice from the Gerontologist, who, by the way, thinks I don't have dementia, but have been taking too much of another med, which is what is changing now. Lower dose of one & adding a new one, to see if that is better for me).

& a mineral supplement, too. Eating more red meat may not be the best way to go.

I've been out with W2 a couple times, & she seems to have understood what I need in terms of boundaries.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK~

With the quote there was something in the back of my mind about Ford turning into a penguin so I looked it up. As it happens I have scripts from the radio show as well as audio so searching for penguin in the text was easy. It was the same with the "crunchy frog" chocolate. I guess I have all sorts of useless stuff tucked away in my mind:)

My psychiatrist told me things would come to the fore when I was ready, and maybe you are echoing something similar between your feelings in your 30s and now

I'm glad you have opened up more now and your psych is sensitive enough to notice and help you as a result. That original GP does not sound to be the same benefit, so a change of GP may well be just what you  need

Have you got your carer situation sorted as yet?

I've only had experience with a couple of people getting dementia, and you do not sound anything like.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix

The Gerontologist was more interested in how I was being treated for restless leg syndrome & suggested changes to the meds. She thinks what I've been doing for years has been causing my memory, concentration & some confusion - not dementia.

I am not entirely convinced, but willing to try changing how I treat the restless leg syndrome. If the change helps my legs feel better, then that will be great anyway.

But the new med comes with potentially serious sorts of side-effects, which I do not want to have to deal with, so I'm hoping a low dose will be enough.

The new GP said he'd review this in a few weeks.

If anything, odd begins, I won't wait the full few weeks.

*

W2 seems to understand better now. But, I don't have a back-up support worker if W2 gets sick or can't work at some unusual time or day.

It's a constant irritant, like a bit of grit in your shoe, to have to arrange for times & days when they can be available. Sometimes I don't get much notice, like when recently, the exercise physiologist who does the hydrotherapy was off sick & my scheduled session was cancelled. I was offered another day & time with someone else, but I had to check that W2 could be available before confirming the rescheduled session.

*

I recall my PDr saying something very similar about how things (which we might prefer to suppress), will find their own way out, perhaps in unexpected ways, so there is not much to be gained by trying to keep everything bottled up.

It seems the better option is to have healthy, safe ways we can express our emotions ready to be deployed at any time.

That Wednesday was so difficult because I was both wanting to get the shopping done, & to get onto sorting out the possible NDIS funding problem. I still am not comfortable with being distressed around other people. & I didn't want to break down & cry while talking on the phone either. I needed to talk clearly to the people on the phone, to explain what the problem was, to ask for their advice, etc.

When I am very upset & crying, I can't speak properly at all. I want to be heard, but how can I when I'm crying so much? I don't want to be like that in front of anyone. I feel embarrassed, like I'm being a big baby about [it]. I don't like my PDr seeing me like that either.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK~

If your less than ideal mental performance can be put down to side-effects of medication I think I'd regard that as a plus. Hopefully when the meds stop the effects will too. I'm afraid with the new meds it is often a case of weighing the side-effects vs the good they can do.

My first wife had severe life threatening asthma from a child and was when she was around 20 offered a medication that would allow her to lead a normal life, but in the long term would have very harmful effects.

She chose to take the meds, and I think in her case it was the right decision as I'd been taking her to ED in a pretty precarious state just about every week and she might not have survived on any of those occasions.

We had a good life together and asthma took more of a back seat.

Many people cry, I do so myself on occasions. I am not sure it is a bad thing except, as you say, if it makes it hard for others to understand. Perhaps if you had a script of things to say you might find it easier to voice what you needed to say. When crying it can be hard to concentrate. I've even handed the list over before now and that seems to work well, however that was for face to face consultations.

Any PDr worth their salt will be used to tears and deal with the upset sensibly and with patience. Nobody is ever going to think you are a big baby, quite the reverse, as I and others have  said before you are an example (a good one that is:)

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your caring response.

My PDr is certainly patient & caring about when I cry. It's only me who feels like I'm being a big baby by reacting with tears. & I don't like the mess they make, the clogging of the nose, the feeling of the tears on my face, too, is sometimes triggering of a specific memory & associated feelings from that experience.

I appreciate what you said about your wife & the asthma & treatment, your life with the asthma in the background.

I can 'forget' about things while they have no immediate impact. It's like, first thing in the morning, my legs are fine. As the day goes on they feel worse & worse, until the feeling is well in the foreground & undeniable.

I'm very much hoping for no side-effects, but I could cope with mild side-effects. & I understand those severe side-effects are also rare, but rather dangerous, & that is what is on my mind. For one thing, there is the potential to effect mental health, & another is the potential for addiction; these things are worrisome.

I am still hoping for improvements, but I simply feel unsure if this is why my cognition & memory are sliding.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, wave to Croix, 

I hope the new meds work well for you without any side effects. I know that I find the rare occasion where I can't get comfortable in bed with my legs is bad enough, I can't begin to imagine what you are having to cope with every day. We will keep fingers & paws crossed for you.

My memory especially my short term memory is very bad & steadily getting worse, I was told by my Pdr that PTSD, depression, stress & poor mental health generally can affect of our memory as can the meds we are on. Since my early twenties I have had an issue with remembering the right day to turn up for appointments or social get togethers, even when I have it written down & check it I have still got it wrong. I've lost count of the number of times I've turned up on the wrong day. Recently my nephew mentioned something from when he visited me & I couldn't even remember him visiting me at all. I also find some days I can remember something, then another day I can't & then another day I can. I read somewhere that as we get older we can have trouble remembering things not because of dementia etc, but because we find our day to day life is very similar & so memories tends to merge together & just blur in our mind. I also think the opposite can be true with our short term memory in that we can only hold so much in our minds at a time, so when we have lots to remember our mind needs to drop one thing to make way for something new. So I wonder if your cognition & memory issues might just be a combination of all the things, especially stresses happening in your life. 

Big hugs & of course schnozbops

Paws & his woofiness Woofa

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

I’m not sure if this will help, but I have restless legs syndrome too and thought I’d mention what brought some improvement. Mine started in childhood and has varied in intensity over the years. The worst I ever had it was when I had moved into a share house with 5 other people. It turned out to be a very stressful environment. At night in particular my legs would go crazy, especially when things got really destabilised in the house among two of the housemates frequently fighting and another drinking. It suddenly occurred to me that my restless legs seemed to be a fight-or-flight response that was trying to activate itself. Two months into living there I decided to leave and there was a definite improvement in the RLS.

Since then I have understood RLS in my case as an incompleted stress response - the legs are literally trying to run/move to get me away from some danger. It’s also the body’s instinctive attempt to get out of a freeze response. Based on my childhood experiences this makes sense. Reading books by people like Peter Levine (In An Unspoken Voice) and Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) has helped explain to me how the autonomic nervous system stores past trauma/stress responses. Just understanding that in itself has helped my legs calm down somewhat. Sometimes I need to actively say to myself what do I need to do now to feel safe and then actualise it. It might be to move and go for a walk or visualise in my mind’s eye successfully and triumphantly completing a physical challenge - e.g. I’m running in a wild landscape in nature and my legs are successfully carrying me up a hill or jumping across rocks or whatever makes my body feel competent. It’s like it tells my legs “you’ve got this and you are ok and strong.”

 I don’t know if that makes sense, but basically by successfully completing a fight-or-flight recovery response, even in my imagination, my autonomic nervous system goes it’s ok now and the RLS starts to alleviate. I can still get it but it’s less intense as I’ve understood it as an autonomic stress response. I’ve found by not trying to resist or suppress the restless legs as well as recognising I’m presently safe, my legs are more inclined to relax rather than intensify in restlessness. I wonder if imagining you are LRC would help, doing all the gymnastic activities cats get up to with such feline competence.

It’s still there a bit at times for me but it’s minor and not something causing me to toss and turn, writhe etc as it has in the past. I’m doing somatic work with my psychologist too which is continually helping with body awareness and what my body needs at any given moment.

I just thought I’d mention those things in case they are in any way helpful or relevant for you, even if it just gives another angle on it.

Big Hugzies 🤗