In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Guest_5218 · ‎26-06-2016

Hi Simona, just thought I would pop in and say goodaye to you. Please do not feel you have to respond though. I know you will get the message as you like to read, but not necessarily respond. I dont have a problem with that. I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you, is all ............ And also of your Mum who was in hospital last time you posted. I really hope she is much better and that you have been able to visit her in hospital.

When you come on here to read, I hope you get to check out the Pet thread, as there are some recent posts there that I'm sure you will enjoy reading.

Well Simona there are now only 14 days of your treatment left to go. Slowly but surely you are getting there. I know that the early testing showed that the treatment is working as it should be, so here is hoping that this will be the end of it, and your blood disorder will be all fixed. Soon you will be able to detox and start to feel less depressed and more like yourself again.

I'm really happy that your hubby is keeping a good eye out for you and that your kids and little Bandicoot are all well.

Again, I remind you that I do not expect an answer. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and hoping you are 'hanging in there'. With much affection and sending a cyber hug your way ..............

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎28-06-2016

Hello. My mother will be ok. She took too much pain killers and they had to help her. Today has been a difficult day because finding peace is hard. I rang and told partner but he threatened to call the hospital so that's one less person I can trust. I told him he has hurt me badly. I told him next time I won't call or text I will just disappear.

Starwolf · ‎28-06-2016

Hi Simona,

Sad to read peace is evading you but relieved to know your Mum will be OK. Must have been a scare...

Your partner is obviously concerned about you and it has made him over-react. Thankfully, it was only a threat and he chose to tell you about it instead of acting behind your back. It's good to know you're out and about, although understandably angry and disappointed.

This inclination to protect those we feel vulnerable reminds me of something that happened on the home front, years ago. My daughter's accidental brain injury had made her uncoordinated and accident prone. We seemed to be forever rushing to the emergency department to put her back together. Part of her therapy involved horse riding on one of my finely tuned, super responsive dressage horses. It helped her become more aware of poorly controlled movements and improved the brain/body coordination. But it confused the horse and I kept a close eye on things to stop the session before he decided to toss her off.

That day, I felt it was time to end the ride. So I helped her off, unsaddled and unbridled, let the horse off for a roll and a relieved gallop around. As we were walking back home on perfectly even ground, she became tangled in her own feet, tripped and dislocated her shoulder + fractured her collar bone. It took a while to get over the irony of it all and start laughing about it.

Not long now till the end of your treatment...something to look forward to. Fingers crossed it will improve your quality of life. You deserve it.

Simona · ‎28-06-2016

It's the children. I just rang to tell him he needs to come home and take them away from me. But he said he is working and can't leave. He told me to call my psych nurse but that's not a very good idea. She would only tell me I must take those pills and she may even talk about me to someone else who in turn may make a phone call to another. Thank-you for sharing that story about your daughter. I used to ride a lot. Last time I chose a horse from neighbouring paddock because it was such a beautiful day. I just wanted to sit on it but it bucked me off. I was ok. I think it wasn't broken in.

Simona · ‎28-06-2016

I'm going to have a shower now. I really hope there's nothing going on behind my back

Guest_5218 · ‎28-06-2016

Hi Simona. I am relieved to hear that your Mother will be okay, as I'm sure you are also. (-:

It sounds like you are continuing to struggle Simona and I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm very sad to hear that peace is eluding you still. That must be so hard for you, but also for your immediate family.

Try to remind yourself that your partner is only doing what he feels is right for you. He obviously cares a great deal for you and wants what is best for you. He is concerned because he can see that you are not at peace with yourself. Its hard for our menfolk when we are not well. They are, by nature and by tradition, our protector. When he sees you suffering he would be feeling useless in his role husband and protector. It is only normal that he is doing the only thing he feels he has left at his disposal to protect you - to call the hospital. Try not to blame him too much Simona. Try to understand the motivation behind his threat to call the hospital.

The days are ticking down Simona and soon you will be off the blood medication. I expect then you will start to feel much happier and more like the old Simona we all know and love.

Love to you.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎28-06-2016

I forgive him because he knows not what he's doing. He's confused. Yes. I miss my life terribly. My animated adventurous self. so scared of losing my mother. I told her today I'm mortified of her declining health. I just want to runaway and see my parents before they get really sick and die. I told partner over dinner. 'I'm going to runaway soon'. He just kept chewing and didn't look up. I have been feeling crook from dinner. All i have been eating is nuts and berries. Tonight i had chicken and my body doesn't know how to process it. I think i will wait until I'm finished with that treatment then go. I will go to Melbourne with 1 backpack. I have 1 friend i can look up but he has issues too. And my old postie. He's a friend except i don't know if he still works the same route. He used to talk and listen to me when i sat on the brick wall

Starwolf · ‎30-06-2016

Hi Simona,

Had a bit of a giggle reading about your attempt to sit on an unworked horse...it must have been a shock for both of you !

I can understand your need for a break and the urge to spend time with your parents. But wouldn't "running away" scare those around you, give them the feeling that you need to be kept under control ? Perhaps discussing your intentions calmly and showing you can organise this time out thoughtfully would help reassure everybody that you are acting in a "responsibly". It would be good if you could involve them instead of going against their wishes. It seems they are unsure about trusting you. Do you think discussion would be possible ? Would they over-react ?

Even if they try to stop you and you decide to go anyway, you will have done the right thing. It would reassure them that you're not acting on a whim and are perfectly capable of looking after yourself.

These are a few thoughts on my mind that I'd like to share with you. I would like you to enjoy time out without having to face negative consequences. I'm sure your parents would love to have you around for a while too.

Simona · ‎01-07-2016

Well it's just not going to happen. I don't know what I was thinking. Me travelling alone and spending a night in a small unit with nowhere to sleep except a 2 seater lounge. It was just a big bad idea. I miss my parents and brother very much but when I think about it it would not work. Also my mum's hot water service is not very big and showering is very important for me as is being alone when I need to be alone. Also I don't like travelling when I'm paranoid because I have to walk really fast like those people in the city. And then the paranoia at night and being stuck in a small unit where I have no 'safe' place to go. I don't feel all that well for such adventure : / My poor caseworker couldn't close. She wanted my signature on lots of papers then changed her mind suddenly. She met me this week then called my psch nurse. I was being asked nicely to go to triage for an assessment but I said NO best NOT (paranoia). Next week she is coming back again and we are going to a mental health person together then she said we will go to a café like normal. I trust that's how it's going to happen. Her smile seemed sincere

ps: I don't think my mum really wanted me to come in the first place. I think that because when I told her I was coming she didn't sound excited or encouraging. She made a 'Hmmm' sound while I talked. And then when I stopped talking she paused and it was quiet : / So I rang her last night and said I'm not coming ok. She said her reading light would have kept me awake anyway. My mum is an insomniac and I think she is a worry wart too

pps: I use the word RUNAWAY because I have already used the words: LEAVE, TAKE A BREAK, GO ON A TRIP, GO ON HOLIDAY and VISIT. And I still was not taken seriously

Starwolf · ‎03-07-2016

Ah well...some plans and dreams fall naturally by the way side. It must have been a fun idea to toy with for a while. Well done for giving it all due consideration. No one knows better than you what you are up to or not and whether a plan is viable or too complicated/risky. Hopefully, the fact that you have approached it thoughtfully will help boost your family's trust.

Though I can understand your urge to get away from it all for a while...it's been a hell of a ride, hasn't it ? No surprise your Mum was concerned about your sleep and the difficult logistics of it all. I know it may sometimes feel restrictive but it is good to have loved ones who love you back and care about you. I agree that compromises are not easy but often necessary.

Anyway, freedom from your blood treatment is approaching. Fingers crossed it will improve your lifestyle. I also hope next week assessment will go well.