In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. I havent heard from you for about a week now, and I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are getting along. I am a little worried about you Simona, so I'd really love to hear from you again soon.

Thinking of you Simona, and really hoping sincerely that you are feeling better than you were last week.

Much affection and hugs for you,

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Hello Sherie. It's all ok just haven't been feeling well to interact . The anti psychotics combined with this treatment is hard on me. Night times are even worse with weird pains/aches as I lie in bed - I just want to sleep away the dark. I really don't want to complain though. I'm fortunate really. Latest labs are very positive : ) Thank you for thinking of me. I still see my pysch nurse/doctor. I'm taking care. Please don't worry ((HUG))

ps; did manage to find strength to go on a 2 hr bushwalk/stroll on Sunday with my 17 year old son and enjoyed the beautiful mild weather. It was nice to be amongst nature/birds/kangaroos. I live not far from the State Forest

[Starwolf]

Hey Simona,

Good to read from you. Kudos to you for the positive attitude...Considering what you've been through, you would have every right to complain (nothing wrong with unloading the overload).

Positive test results ? That's good news, Simona. So is the fact that you could enjoy a bushwalk in great company. So much healing power in Nature...and also in the beautiful bond you share with your son. Thanks for sharing those happy moments and letting us know you are looking after yourself. You deserve it. I hope this is the start of an upward trend.

I also live on the edge of a National Park, with a huge bushland reserve on the other side too. I feel blessed, although isolation can sometimes be a challenging inconvenience.

Have a good Thursday.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. Sorry to hear that the extra meds and otehr treatment is making it really hard for you right now. But hey, good news about the treatment and the latest lab results - sounding pretty positive there.

Its good that you still have the support of your psych nurse and Doctor. You are going through a lot right now, so you need lots of support. Sounds as though your son is a good young lad too. A two hour walk is hardly just a 'stroll in the park' though. As you havent been feeling well, that is quite an accomplishment. So well done to you. Are you able to take Bandicoot with you in the State Forrest? You may have had to carry her though, as it was a long walk for her little mutton chop legs. (-:

Yes I love getting out in the Natural environment also. Love all the little scurrying sounds of small creatures around the forrest, all the birds with all their chirping, cawing, chattering, etc. And then the larger animals like wallabies, wombats, kangaroos, large bush birds etc running about. Its so restful and grounding I find. I do wish I lived near a National Park or State Forrest. I used to get all of that when on the farm, and I miss it now.

The weather where I am has been beautiful mild and sunny daytimes right up until today. Today it is overcast and quite cold, only around 15C I think last I heard. As well as a bit of very light rain around. So it isnt nice at all today unfortunately . More the sort of day that you want to snuggle back up in bed with a nice warm doona.

Thanks for letting me know that you are okay Simona. I'm very relieved and happy to hear of your progress. Thanks also for the hug - I appreciate it. And a return one to you also.

Many kind wishes to you.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) I live in not far from 2 State Forests so am lucky. Yes, my son and I are very alike and we both love exploring in nature. I like to collect feathers for my daughter - she has a hatful at home and we look out for wild goats. I took him back to my special place in the forest that he had not been to. It's a fair walk but what you find is a small old bridge that takes you across to the deeper heart of the forest. I call this our 'Bridge to Terabithia ' . We talk about all sorts of things - the what ifs, the what would you dos...the what do you think ofs.

[Simona]

Sherie : ) Bandicoot has been to one of the forests but didn't come this time around. She's usually kept on leash and goes crazy with excitement at the roos and just wants to chase them. I just need to be careful because last year a big buck hopped on the track ahead and gave us this Mexican stand-off and wouldn't budge so we had to turn back

Thank-you for kindness and thoughtfulness Sherie : ) I still loathe having to take meds especially the antipsychotic. Because it makes me very drowsy and I'm in bed by 8.30/9pm and I miss out on family time. I have to take it with certain amount of calories otherwise feel very crook so I have it with dinner at 6pm. Plus I find myself missing my psychosis. All of a sudden it's all stale and black/beige again. Nothing seems to excite me. My music - lost interest in. I sit and stare or stand and stare a lot and sometimes drool a little. The house is all cleaned and in order by 10am and I'm alone thinking 'so what now?'. So I clean more. Think of mum but don't actually want to talk because talking is tiring but then so is listening. I don't miss the paranoia and Bandicoot can look at me/follow me without me getting agitated. What I hate comes after 5pm. It's just this feeling of depression/doom. I have a shower sometimes 2. Brush my hair over and over. The warm water relaxes me and distracts me. I feel like my mania is being replaced by depression and this is NOT me. I was not a depressive until I came home from the MHU medicated. But I'm supposedly 'better' because I'm not so flighty/animated/moody. I chopped into my hair this week but I like it. I like the chopped crazy look. In Melbourne I would have paid at least $70 to look like this and I done it with a blunt scissors that has actually began to rust.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. Its been a while since we have spoken, so I thought I would quickly touch base with you to see how you're doing now. My apologies for not responding sooner, its just that I have had a bit of a tough week myself.

I hope you are starting to feel more like yourself now? It must be so hard for you adapting to the medications. I really admire your strength and desire to get well again. Hopefully the blood disorder meds are doing their thing and you will soon be relieved of having to continue on that medication. Have you had further blood tests to check? Last time you reported that it was looking very promising.

Your new 'chopped crazy look' haircut sounds charming. I reckon it would look beautiful Simona, so well done to you. Who would ever pay $70 for a professional cut, when you can probably do an even better job with a pair of blunt rusty sissors. Ha ha, I just just picture you doing that. Honestly Simona, you really are a delight, and I truly love reading your intelligent and humorous posts. They always seem to give me a bit of a lift when I am feeling down. So I thank you ...............

Now - back to you. How are you feeling? Are you still keeping in close touch with your mental health person, GP, psych, etc? I hope so, because you dont want to go backwards again. You are making progress Simona, it may not be as rapid as you would like, but there is progress. I know about that, because I am going through something similar myself right now. I have been getting frustrated with a perceived lack of progress. And yet when I am reminded of it, I can look back and actually see that there is improvement. I'm sure you can too?

Okay Simona, I must go now. But please know that I am thinking of you, and wishing you well.

Hugs to you, and also dear little Bandicoot.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

You are so kind with your words Sherie. I wish I could communicate like you and the others but it's hard for me. I feel I am nothing without my psychosis. I feel myself being poisoned gradually and the depression clings like tar. I forgot my anti psychotic the other day and the noise and imagery came back and later a voice close to the ear - like someone clearing their throat. It was reassuring not scary. I'm not good with people in real life but I don't want to be the O in alOne.

I don't think much about my blood since last test. For some reason my chronic illness has never really stressed me as much as my struggle with living - to find my place in society, how to converse and read people and get along. Make a friend. My friend is a stuffed dog I locked in the car boot. He's there because I don't appreciate his sarcastic vulgar humour in my current fragile state.

I am around these parts still. I come here to read. In any case if I was to leave I would say goodbye. Yes I still have my psych nurse - once a fortnight now because I'm showing her how well I am because I want to be free of the antipsychotic/mind control. Thank-you for taking the time to write to me. You made me smile Sherie : ) A gentle hug back to you -

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

As mentioned before, I once house- shared with a schizophrenic flatmate and ended up becoming his circumstantial minder.

It made me realize that psychosis has much in common with powerful hallucinogenic drugs. Because it makes everything so vividly intense, without it real life appears bland and seems to lose its spark. My flatmate had become addicted to it, although -like other hard drugs- it was not good for him at all. He would talk a lot about this and had trouble accepting the necessity of medication. To the point that he attempted to stop a couple of times...with disastrous results that sent him back to hospital. It took him a long time and persistent rehab before he could find everyday life attractive again. Unlike you, he was of course an extreme case, dangerous to himself and everyone else around. But living in close proximity gave me an insight into the addictive side of psychosis...and the effect of its disappearance caused by medication. He was a brilliant musician. Although his technique was unaffected, he mourned the loss of inspiration and had to learn how to access it again.

So I can understand how difficult it all is for you at the moment. But please keep in mind that you are doing a great job looking after yourself and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, although curves on the path hide it from you.

You have always related to -and interacted with- us well via these forums. I always enjoy your style of communication and individuality. You are someone special, inimitable, precious.

I wish I could bring you more than understanding and fondness. But sometimes, we all have to accept our limitations and those imposed by circumstances...without giving up on trying to stretch them.

[Simona]

Hello Star. My mind feels like it has been corrupted by the medication. A couple of days ago I stopped them. I had to. I rang my psyche nurse and told her. I also told her I felt poisoned which is very true. I have been feeling corrupted since I was discharged. She said I must take at least one but I just can't. I can't help how I feel. I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm not danger to anyone. I'm mostly fun and when I'm happy I smirk or smile lots. I can't help that. The paranoia is another thing though. Sometimes there's another word for it though: intuition. I love my family. But I can't do it . I miss my .....I miss it all. Thank-you for your support. It is clear to me you understand where I'm coming from. I will take good care. I see my psych nurse next week and I know she will be sad for me. I could have been dishonest to her but I like her a lot. I'm an honest person