In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Guest_5218 · ‎27-03-2016

Ha ha, okay thanks for that Simona. I do know about the BMI then. So are you underweight or overweight?

It does sound like an exciting time for you though, and thats really good.

I think we should all be able to just be ourselves, and I am so pleased that you are able to do that Simona. Oh dear, I do like that about 'not trying to fly'! Yes we can test our wings so to speak, but of course we dont have feathers to allow flight. ( - :

I do agree with you that being able to laugh at ourselves, and to enjoy the simplest of things in life is vital to our wellbeing. We can sometimes get drawn into being too serious and become jaded in our outlooks on life.

So pleased Simona that you are doing okay. Do you celebrate Easter at all? If so, I hope you and your family are having a lovely easter weekend.

How is little Bandicoot going? I hope she's watching over you as she usually does. My hubby is away for a couple of weeks, so I am home alone for a while. My little dog Holly is my constant little shadow, and being ever so attentive. She is such a delightful little thing.

Its always so refreshing speaking to you Simona, so I thank you for posting back to me.

Keep well wont you?

Sherie xx

Starwolf · ‎27-03-2016

Hi and welcome to the new you, "I", haircut and all. A big step forward...well done !

New beginnings are exciting, in spite of their fragility and rough patches. I hope laughter will help dislodge whatever is intruding in your throat. It takes time for the brain to process new data, establish new patterns and re-route complex circuitry. Particularly if the old version has been in place a while.

Seeing and enjoying the fun side of Life is a privilege (a rare quality within my age group). I hope you never lose it. It is precious, although those who have lost it tend to frown upon those who haven't. If we stop doing all the fun things that are deemed inappropriate, we stop living. Unfortunately, many do. They're best left to it.

Hope Easter day is shaping up well

Simona · ‎28-03-2016

Oh hello there : )

Sherie: I do Easter yes. Very small affair. I had a Cadbury bilby for dinner because it's Easter and it was a TREAT. Sugar makes me super hyped but damn that bilby was tasty. Bandicoot is great. I took her into the bush early evening and we walked past the mattresses and telly. I found some more wire so that was good. I don't know where everyone has gone but town is empty. In Melbourne I used to have fun at least. I used to do sidewalk art in front of the units using coloured chalk. I would write random sentences and then hide.

Well partner's parents are taking my children away camping for a week. They leave tomorrow. All children gone holidaying. I have been thinking about going on an epic walk again. Because partner goes back to work. I want to do something grand and unforgettable. I will start by hiding a small marble in his hard yakka boots. I found this marble in the bush with the wire.

Starwolf: "If we stop doing all the fun things that are deemed inappropriate, we stop living" YES. You SO nailed that one. I will tell you of something most sad now. My mum came up yesterday for a visit and she looked so old and grey like a little hedgehog. I 'm so terrified of her dying and leaving me behind. I felt very bad after I said goodbye to her. I cried and panicked. I rang my brother and he said shouldn't I be crawling around on the floor at this time of the night. I said NO. I haven't been that bad recently. I'm doing really well but I'm scared mum is going to die and leave us and I just know if she goes and does I'm going to runaway. I seriously will. I can't handle the thought of mum leaving me in this insane world. I know it may sound selfish and unfair but I'm not good with the D word of with the A word = abandonment. This world is too scary without mum and dad in it.

Graceeeeee · ‎28-03-2016

Hey dear SImona!!

I'm glad to hear you've come back with a brand new you!! With the "I", the haircut, the appointment and all, and sometimes laughter heals you, I know at the darkest times you just have to laugh and heal 🙂 I know I know, it's all going to be ok.. And how's your art project going? Haven't heard about that in a while, hope it's going smoothly? Other than that, I'm sorry to hear about the feeling of being chocked, did you get through Thursday night ok like you wanted to? I hope you did! Anyways, talk to me anytime, as always, love and thinking about you dear Simona! Here is a big hug and welcome to the brand new you!! 🙂 And really, you don't have to worry about a thing, you are beautiful enough 🙂 Try to get some good sleep tonight!!

With Love,

Grace xx

Simona · ‎28-03-2016

Hello Grace : ) I so meant to get back to you. You remember? it was you who told me to have the avocado rather than the advocate or advocaat . And I do wish I had an actually choice in the matter as I would much prefer an avocado over an advocate. And never mind the advocaat. That's demon drink. So yeah, when I say I had dialog with the avocado it's really the advocate ok. The wire art has stalled because I don't have much focus currently. I could start this week but I'm thinking of going on a long walk for new adventure. I can't take Bandicoot though because her little legs would get too weak and she's too big to fit into my nike backpack because it's the smaller size. yeah. I try not to worry but I'm scared of losing my mum. True, she hasn't always been a sensible mum but she's MY mum and I love her. I hope all this makes sense. I'm not feeling calm atm

Starwolf · ‎29-03-2016

Hey Simona,

Great to read you're feeling better but sad that some part of you is panicked at the thought of a loved one's passing.

Those of us who are "sensitives" consider death- as-"terminal" a laughable impossibility. It is seen as a passing from the physical state to the next. Even science corroborates this. Life is energy and physics tell us that energy cannot be annihilated, only transformed. Some things in this world are tangible, others not (i.e. thought, consciousness etc...). Does it mean the intangible doesn't exist ? I think not...aren't thought and consciousness the origin of creation ? All we do and create is the product of having thought about it first. No need to be religious or mystical about it all. Logic does it.

From this point of view, death is no abandonment, only one of many changes Life is made of. True... physical presence quits this plane and we miss it and grieve. That's normal. But what of the spirit (the indestructible energy of Life) ?

I remember one of your earlier posts mentioning the movie "Harold and Maud", a masterpiece as far as I am concerned. Those 2 understood what dying is all about and how to celebrate this passing....although it took the young one a while to process his initial fascination. 🙂

Simona · ‎01-04-2016

i had a very bad day yesterday. I'm posting here because until i get a notice NOT to post here i will assume it's ok to come here.i was paranoid to begin with but it got much worse. i did as i was told. i did go to that triage place and sat in the red chair. i sat and the paranoia got worse. i tasted blood in my mouth so i went to the toilet to spit it out but i couldn't see any red stuff. So i left the hospital and walked around town. i got an idea then i went for a drive. I went to my fav peace spot in town the cemetery. i was finally not too paranoid there but i had to turn mobile off because i wanted to be alone to focus. then after that i went to my most favourite café because i wanted to be close to my eldest child and that's where we sit together. and i miss him because he's gone to my mum's. i tripped over and fell in the café an di hurt my collarbone but i sat aand ordered 1 slice of apple and ricotta cake and a cappuccino . i was pretending my son was with me because i was feeling lonesome. and people behind me were whispering and talking about me. i thought that was very rude.

then i got home eventually and my partner cried because i hurt his feelings and he was worried. i hope today is better because i will start my wonderdrug from states and be cured hopefully. but i need to go to some mental health place first probably to apologise because people were looking for me even the police.

Starwolf · ‎01-04-2016

Life is like that, bad days, better days, terrific ones and back to ordinary...

I can understand the anguish that made you take off and also the fear others felt at your disappearance. My daughter did that to me once, the police also became involved in searching for her. My state of mind at the time was absolute terror.

Like you, I hope the "wonder drug" will ease the situation for everyone concerned. Yourself and everyone else around you deserve peace of mind.

My thoughts are with you, as always.

Simona · ‎01-04-2016

i was scared and i'm still scared. i only feel safe at the cemetery. and the groundkeeper was there and i wanted to go to him and tell him i was in trouble. but i thought maybe i would scare him being the way i am. i'm not in angry way. confused my younger 2 children are home now from camping. i can't put into words the joy in my soul. i'm so happy to have my babies back. they keep me well. thank-you so much for your reply to me.

Bluey_moon · ‎01-04-2016

My dear Simona,

my heart is going out to you, I cannot even imagine your fear, but fear, well fear is what I fear most.

I am so happy you have your babies home

love skye