In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Bluey_moon]

Simona, I just wanted to check how you are going? 

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always find them stimulating.

Your 10 years old probably doesn't mean to hurt you as much as he does. Some children are more sensitive than others, some like to play power games with their parents. Perhaps his words are something he has overheard and used to get to you...just because he knows he can. At 10 years old, he has yet a lot of growing up -and understanding- to do...It doesn't mean he doesn't love his Mum.

Those mystery calls are a bit unsettling. I hope you can soon get to the bottom of it all, you don't need this extra headache right now. As for your hidden notes, isn't it a bit dangerous to let them scattered around your home ? Kids in particular love to explore and investigate nooks and crannies. I'd worry that discovery of my private thoughts may backfire but that's my way of looking at it.

I understand your inner turmoil re medication. It is of course always better if we can cope and function efficiently without it. Unfortunately, there's often a gap between an ideal world and everyday reality. All medication has side effects but these days it usually doesn't hit you like a ton a bricks to stun you out of awareness. That's why I was asking if a trial period could help with this hard decision. Is there any way you could do some in depth research ? Being able to actually contact people who have been on it for some time would be ideal. Hard to come to a decision without comprehensive info...Is there any way you could access it ? Just questions passing through my mind as they must have come to yours.

The nurse seems like an interesting person. Could she become a useful ally ?

I hope your week-end is shaping up well. I 'll be off to work shortly. I don't mind the "special needs" K9s. Though I regularly have more trouble getting through to the human at the other end of the leash.

Fingers crossed that elusive peace of mind comes to rest with you a while.

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!

Letting you know that my love and thought are with you, take care, love you my friend 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Kellytsesmelis]

Hi simona!

Firstly what you are doing is extremely admirable. All this sounds like all too much for one person to handle. Let me tell you that you for sure are in deserving need of all the support you can get. I have never personally experienced psychosis but i do get symptoms of a mood disorder which can sometimes if overwhelmed leave me feeling like I'm losing all self control. Thats hard enough to deal with. This isnt even an everyday occurance. What you are experiencing is very real and needs to be treated accordingly and you need to be cared for correctly so that you can recover from this. I am studying my bachelor and i have reaearched quite a number of mental illness. I think your husband wants to be supportive but is just confused. Let me be the first to tell you that if you feel that you need to go to hospital then you should go. If you cant get there then call for an ambulance even if you have to do it in secret. You are important and your health comes first ahead of work. These things have a way of working themselves out. As someone soggested lifeline. Lifeline also has a chat system from i think 8pm to 3am. If you dont want to actually talk you can speak with them through that. The prognosis for psychosis can ve quite good. You dont have to live in darkness and being unsure whether you are having a good day or not. Best wishes. 

[Bluey_moon]

Just wanted to send you love Simona xo

[Simona]

Hello Starwolf : )    I enjoy hearing about your dogs.    I had 2 i trained to jump up and walk along suburban  walls on simple command.    That was well over a decade ago.   

I think the crisis has passed.   I'm feeling a lot better today. Tomorrow I'm getting my EEG so yeah, things are happening slowly.   Still haven't received any news of that CT scan from last week.  Or results of my bloods.  They did say it's all routine.  Haven't thought much about it

That psych nurse - I need to wait until early April for my next appointment.   I feel like my psychiatrist has ditched me in a way because I was passed swiftly onto her. Can't say I blame him.  I stared and didn't say much. Only gave him a demo of what i felt like doing to another psych worker and he smiled. I think at this rate I will have to wait years for a diagnosis.  Not that I'm a difficult patient.  It's just that sometimes I'm not a very effective communicator and I'm not myself.

My paper mess hidden everywhere. YES.  Must be attended to asap.  But today I was super busy because I have been out on a photography adventure.   In any case it's all in my bedroom.   I will get it all shredded up.

Yeah. I'm ok.  Today was a great day so far.  It's just that sometimes i feel so acutely tormented. 

[Graceeeeee]

Hi dear Kelly!

Some great advices you have here! Just wanted to pop in and say hi to you, what a legend you are! My love and thoughts are with you 🙂 Take care!

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

Hello there : )

Aha. Thing is, I get the paranoia a lot.  Mostly after 8pm.  So far i'm good but I did get very paranoid earlier today after my adventure. The idea of wanting outsiders to help me may be there in fleeting moments of awareness but the reality of what it entails is terrifying to the point of being unable to physically move or speak.  Forsaking control.  Losing my friend/possibly being punished for it.   Becoming and feeling the singularity of only the I in the I am.  Being put amongst people.  I don't know if I'm making sense right now but I'm trying to explain.   I have been like this on/off since 13.    Have the ability to sense and see/hear things and tune myself right in to those frequencies. I don't know why it re-started but it began with coincidence after coincidence = omen/sign.

My dad was hospitalized from a mental illness. Mum says its from him

Thank-you Kelly  : )

[Starwolf]

Hey Simona,

So good to read you've been getting a bit of a break...A photography adventure sounds like a terrific, creative expedition. Your profile photo is a good indicator of how good you are at it !

Finding a helpful therapist you can relate to may take time. All relationships need that sometimes elusive "chemistry" to function at their best. Frustrating but I guess it's a matter of hanging in there, not giving up until the Universe delivers what/who we need. Trust doesn't come easy to those of us who have experienced repeated backlashes...or have been subjected to someone else's negative control in childhood. Being cautious is good but building an impenetrable brick wall is isolating and can turn into a prison.

Like with all else, balance is the key. When I was living in Asia, I used to resent those serene Buddhists who kept telling me about the Middle Way. I thought  it was such a boring concept...until I realized that it was in fact a pristine, seldom trodden path, mostly chosen by adventurers and other "eccentrics" !

Being sensitive to whatever other people don't access is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a formidable advantage as long as it doesn't become so overwhelming that it can't be integrated safely into everyday life. It is not necessarily pathological but can easily become unmanageable, out of control. That's why so many artists and geniuses are somewhat socially dysfunctional ! Although their contribution to mainstream life is significant.

It seems like you'll be getting all your test results at once. Hopefully, it will allay existing doubts and things can move on in a clearer direction, if necessary.

I have inherited another K9 waif, rejected by her breeders for not having the "proper" markings...4 weeks old and on death row already as the local pound is not geared for animals needing 24 hours care. Could have said no but didn't. Hmmm...

Wishing for another good day for you.

[Starwolf]

And yes, I get what you mean by waking up "dead" to find yourself at home. Many of us believe that this is what actually happens. However, this life is also meant to happen to all of us. We are supposed to produce, direct, act and watch this "movie". To be a good plot, it needs to have significance and sometimes keep us on the edge of our seat...I think that's what we're all here for.

Someone wise once told me that -in the big picture- surviving life was extremely important....