In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

My partner called and said i still have a home but i need to get well first. He said he still loves me but i must allow them to help me

[monkey_magic]

Hey Simona,

I think I understand some of how you're feeling as I was in hospital as well. I also used to stare people out lol. Hope ur OK, if not hopefully you can get out of there soon. Healing vibes and strength being sent your way. You come first. Do what's right for you.

There is so much I could say about those hospitals. Please be well Simona as you are number one.

[Quercus]

Hi Simona 😊

How have you been feeling today? I had to smile at what your partner said. From your posts it is clear he loves you very much.

I can understand him wanting you to let them help you (having to stand by and watch the person you love struggle with suicidal thoughts would be very hard to do). My hubby says it terrifies him to be helpless to help me.

How are you going with managing to eat? I hope they've got some strawberries or something you feel able to eat.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you can find some good in today even in the hospital. Take care of yourself please Simona.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Hello 😐im not feelin well. A nurse told me i will go to hell if i try again and talked about Jesus crying. Like i made him cry. And anothe patient just walked up to me and said im a witch. I m trying to eat. I had some celery sticks and carrot sticks and an apple. Im hiding in my room

Thank you for checking in on me. You are very kind and brave

[Simona]

I just want to set the record straight. Im not a witch nor do i look like one

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Nope no witches here. Not me and not you either. And noone is going to hell. If God can forgive people who harm others he can forgive those who hurt themselves.

That said... Please try not to hurt yourself Simona. We would miss you. And your partner and kids would too. You are a very brave and strong woman and I like you. If the urge comes again please call the nurses for help?

Nothing wrong with hiding in your room. Can you take the celery and carrot sticks with you? I'm sorry you aren't feeling very good. If you want to write to pass the time I will read and reply when I can.

I'm not big on hugs but if you need one here is one for you Simona. Please take good care of yourself.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

My partner is keeping communication to a very minimal level and my parents wont speak to me. All this is making me feel much much worse like i want to hurt myself badly or not eat anymore. Im sorry to God im sorry to everyone. Maybe they should just all forget about me. Probably thats what i deserve; to be forgotten

[Simona]

Im sorry for that depressing post. Im just so dpressed and sdal. Ive been cying on the ph to my partner. I feel like im going insane in here. I just want to go home to my own bed and stay there

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Don't worry about depressing posts... Depressing or happy and every emotion in between the point is that you are talking it through. I am thankful to see your posts regardless. It means you are trying 😊.

No doubt home is your goal and where you want to be but you are also safe in the hospital with people who have the knowledge and skills to protect you and support you through this time.

You will get through this Simona and before you know it will be home. For now how about trying to eat a little? I know my mood takes a dive when I forget to eat. Maybe it won't help but focus on the little self care tasks for now like food? Is that an option?

Simona if there are 10 posts in a row that are depressing it won't phase me apart from me caring about your wellbeing. Speak about whatever you need to I will take care of me 😊.

Thinking of you today.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Thank you so much Nat. I will try to eat more though its so hard. Im being put under the care of a dietician tomorrow i believe. I weigh less than my 10 yr old . I gotta claw myself back somehow and look like a normal healthy woman