In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Quercus : ) I just read back and something that you said got me thinking. You wrote about getting a pixie and suspecting your husband will hate it. Well, just tell him this: he can kiss the gentle curve of your lovely neck and what is not to love about having more to kiss?

[Simona]

My partner shouted at me today so it's a sad day. He just wants me to go on disability and stop talking about joining a church.

I want to join a church because I'm a child of Christ and I want to belong. I want real life friends and people to speak to me and invite me to be their friend. Like a normal person. Partner got very upset with me talking about church. He wanted to show me the new fitted sheet he bought. I said no so he shouted at me : ( He said after that I should find something else to do. I can't be angry at him. Because he is my carer and he reminded me of that and asked me don't I care for you enough? He did change my catheter at home a few weeks ago. He did it and didn't even look grossed out but I was.

I think he's just had enough of me and church

[Simona]

I'm too scared to eat. I don't want to be like this but I struggle to eat. My tummy hurts from food. I lost that 1 kilo I gained last week. I have to see dr on Friday. This anorexia is destroying me. Good news is my dad and I talked and he wants to see me very soon. I miss that teddy bear he bought me. I lost it in the psych ward except I think someone stole it

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Sorry I have been a bit absent. Looks like we're both not feeling so good. Maybe it is a good thing you're seeing the doctor about your anorexia... There are lots of people in your life who love you and want to see you healthy (and on here too... Like me for one). Part of that is nourishing your body.

Are there any foods you feel comfortable to try? Maybe some blueberries or strawberries? I don't know much about anorexia but are there any ways you can set small goals for eating and get your partner to help reward you? For example if you can eat even a small amount of healthy food he will give you a massage?

Maybe when you see your Dad he'll bring you a new bear. My Dad never bought us gifts (shopping is not his thing) so the one time he bought me a present it was very special. I still have my mickey mouse watch.

Please try to take care of yourself. You are very important and worth looking after.

I loved your reply about the short hair. When hubby saw my new short haircut he said "hmm" and wasn't impressed. So I told him what you said... More neck to kiss and no hair getting in the way. He laughed and ruffled my hair and said "hmmm" in a different sexy kind of way. Thank you for that 😊.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

I'm going to miss you Sherie

Miss you too Starwolf. Not just because you both supported me but because I used to read your posts around the forum. Very kind beautiful souls. Thank-you both for being so kind to me

I will try my hardest to get well

[Simona]

Hello Nat : ) oh yes I eat blueberries and strawberries. A punnet would be all I eat through the day. Or like today I had a grapefruit washed down with Berocca . I eat a few almonds and walnuts. I'm scared of sudden heart failure. Because it can happen anytime and my heart goes funny sometimes. I sit on edge of bed and look at my thighs. Thank-you for your caring and the ideas. My partner is a very patient and caring. 

I know what I would like to reward myself with : status anxiety bag : )

Glad you liked my post about the hair. I was paranoid about it after

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

A massage and a cuddle sound like a good reward. I like reading how you speak of your partner, it's very clear there is a lot of love there. What is a status anxiety bag though?

If it helps with feelings of paranoia... I don't offend easily. Plus if you upset me somehow I'll just tell you bluntly, that's just me. The slow reply was because I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. Just trying to do the self care thing.

I can't blame you for wanting to be part of a community (I read your post about church). Isn't it just human nature to want to feel like you belong? I wonder why it worries your partner so much.

As to heart failure, I would have thought not eating would increase the stress on your body just as much as overeating. Maybe worth discussing when you see the doctor about your diet? But I suppose fears are what they are. I can explain all I want to myself that cockroaches won't hurt me... That doesn't stop me from bursting into tears if they get near me. Some fears are deep seated.

I'm sorry you've lost the company of two people you clearly care for on the forums by the way. Take care of yourself Simona.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Status anxiety is a leather goods brand

My partner just tells me that I don't need church. That I should focus on getting well. I'm trying. My MH support worker is taking me back to the dr this Friday. And tomorrow I go in for blood tests like checking iron, liver function etc. I used to have hep c so I like to keep eye on my liver (I take st Mary's thistle). I went on harvoni and beat the disease a few years back

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

I hope you have had a good day today (and were able to eat well and reward yourself with the status anxiety bag!).

Yep I can see why you would want to keep as healthy as you can... but I feel like it is equally as important to feel part of a community. What do you think? My hubby is like your partner in that he wants me to focus on my health too.

Good luck with the GP tomorrow I hope you have time to go to a cafe for a dirty chai. Yum! Goodnight Simona.

❤Nat

[Simona]

Hello : ) eating is still tricky. I have been eating sesame seeds and pumpkin seeds. And I walked my little dog.

Partner is making spag bol for dinner. I will try to eat some. He makes it with lots of vegies in the sauce. I'm sitting here looking at anorexia photos because I'm trying to scare myself to eat more. Yesterday night I was surfing pro-ana sites for tips. My head is a mess and has been since the ECT.

Tomorrow partner gives back my car : ) I can drive again & play my fave songs LOUD like It never rains in southern California. I'm going to drive to my appointment and meet my mh worker at the dr's. And yes I can go and have my dirty chai wearing my red lippy. And laybuy the bag.

I never been part of the outside community. I just don't fit. In the psych ward it's different. People come to me and talk to me and hug me. And give me ph numbers but I'm too shy to call them.