In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎09-11-2017

some people may be thinking why does she want to put his autograph under Christ and my answer is that if I had his signature I'd be so happy and proud I'd want to see it every day. I'm a collector. I also collect teeth and hair. The teeth I'm going to bury under a special plant soon. I the bone collector. Partner knows of course. because this isn't a romantic thing. It's a worship thing. I'm always checking the clock to see what time it is in Canada. And my mobile for messages all through the night. I really hope he responds soon because if he doesn't and ignores me I don't know how I'm going to take it. Partner said to leave the man alone but I'm not going to. I raised my voice and he said TAKE YOUR MEDICINE OR YOUR'E GOING BACK TO HOSPITAL.

I found this extremely offensive. I grinned. You can't hospitalize someone for having strong opinions. I will be ok so don't worry. I'm going in the spare room now to be alone with my ipod nano

Quercus · ‎10-11-2017

Hi Simona,

Sorry I have been absent. I did read about you planning on a country drive and boats. Did you enjoy it? I love road trips! Would love to drive around Australia.

Ah Music. I could listen to my favourite artist (Jon Bellion) all day and never get tired of his work. Sometimes I think I'd love to write to him to thank him for keeping me alive but figure that might freak him out to hear. There is a line between showing appreciation and feeling obsessive and using the music to escape . Do you think this is what your partner is worried about?

Your partner sounds worried about you to be honest. How have you been feeling?

I never thanked you for your replies on my thread (the one you wrote about your partner disliking your hair was very helpful). I liked how you said you'd wanted him to be all over you. That was how I felt wasn't sure how to put it into words. So thank you.

I had better sleep we're running out fencing wire tomorrow. Please take care of yourself.

❤ Nat

Simona · ‎10-11-2017

Hello : ) No I didn't like the trip. It was boring. Didn't get to see any boats because partner couldn't find a place to park. He was rude and swore a lot at this thing called siri. His phone has a lady voice. He was talking to it like it was human. I just looked at clouds and picked at the dry tomato sauce on my jean.

I adore the singer. I'm trying not to think about him because it makes me feel paranoid and s'dal. The thought that he won't respond. And I talked of him to my MH support worker today. She bought me a dirty chai and told me to eat more. She noticed my elevated mood. I have been manic all week with no appetite. I slumped down in the chair pretending to be really old. I don't want to grow old I told her.

Thank-you for writing to me : ) Thank-you for thanking me for writing on your thread. I struggle with communicating alot. I like people but I don't know how to be with them like feel/convey empathy. Sometimes I feel emotions other times I feel like a robot.

Simona · ‎10-11-2017

I AM SORRY BUT I CAN"T

I can't do this

Quercus · ‎11-11-2017

Hi Simona,

What's happening? I'm don't really understand like how Starwolf does how to help but I am listening and I do care.

When you've felt like this before what has helped you? Is taking your medication an option just to keep you safe?

I think you communicate just fine Simona. The thing I like best is how you are honest and just say things as they are. It is a good quality in my mind.

What a shame you didn't get to enjoy your trip. I had to laugh at your story about Siri... That sounds like hubby too.

Please take good care of yourself Simona. If it helps you to write then write. It doesn't matter if it is awkward doesn't bother me and it never seemed to bother Starwolf and the others who have written to you. We see the lovely person regardless.

❤ Nat

Simona · ‎11-11-2017

Safe now. Back to hosp

Quercus · ‎11-11-2017

Hi Simona,

Thanks for letting me know you're safe... I was worried. How are you feeling about being in hospital again?

Maybe you can ask about local support groups while you are there? I started a therapy class a few weeks ago. It is learning based but also socialisation with likeminded people.

How are you going with your eating? Any chance the hospital has blueberries? Maybe your partner will bring some.

Take good care of yoyrself ok.

❤Nat

Simona · ‎12-11-2017

I was forced here but i dont belong here. There are some very sick people here. I just keep away. I stay in my dark room mostly. The treating team are coming to chat with me tomorrow. I made it very clear im only here to have a little chit chat and then i expect to be allowed home.

Quercus · ‎12-11-2017

Hi Simona,

Thank you for writing to me. I was worried. How are you feeling in yourself? I hope the suicidal feelings have passed.

I know you are frustrated but please try to keep in mind you are in hospital to be protected and to stabilise and then hopefully you get to come home soon.

The last few days you sounded very unwell so as much as you don't want to be there I'm glad you are safe.

Do you get to have your ipod in hospital? A dark room and good music appeals to me right now.

I'm not having a good day I'm sorry. Wish Starwolf was here she would know what to say to comfort you.

Please take care of yourself and write as much as you need to. I am listening and do care.

❤ Nat

Simona · ‎12-11-2017

Im scared confused and paranoid. Yes i have my ipod but too paranoid tolisten because i wont here them come in to check on me. Sorry to hear you are not having a good day. Thank you for your correspondence. I just want to get out of here. Im going to go back to the nurses station and just stare at them and the others the sick ones. After that i will send more texts to my partner to check if im welcome to come home again.