Hi Sapphire;
You're self aware and that's amazing considering your constant negativity. Don't worry, all of us on here know that place so very, very well.
Getting better means we risk falling down again. Avoiding that, causes us to propel ourselves into negative impulses and fear. Completing your list so quickly then panic means you're probably avoiding what hurts or the unknown. Keeping physically busy keeps your mind busy as well. It's a common phenomena of trauma.
Being in your head all the time; thinking, thinking, thinking, dissociates you from your body. A place where we receive information from our subconscious. The body has no guilt, judgement, remorse, worry or negativity, but it does alert us to emotional pain.
A good therapist will teach you how to identify these responses so you know when you're being triggered for instance. Our bodies can tell us when we're making a wrong choice, or express when we're feeling love and beauty.
With me, past love, not all but a lot, expressed itself as fear. I never understood this until I 'fell' for someone and constantly felt uncomfortable around them. I assumed it was me, not them. Boy was I wrong!
I learned this as a child in an environment of violence and trauma. I loved parents who treated me bad because I'd never been taught not to. So that pattern continued until I realised I had a choice.
You're doing a great service for yourself Sapphire, so well done. Even though you resist help, you're still doing what you can. That's valuable for your recovery. And yes, BB is a non judgemental place because we accept we're all flawed in our own way.
There's no pressure to conform or be anything other than who we are in each moment. Perfectly flawed humans...
Be gentle and kind with yourself ok?
Warm thoughts;
Sez x
