Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

Thanks for that post Sez. To be honest i havent read much of anyone elses posts. I started to but I couldnt cope with it. I dont have the strenght in me to read or encourage anyone else since I can hardly do the same for myself.

Im not sure how to answer your question except to say that I think Ive given up on life. Im just going through the motions. I feel like im in this dark place where people tell me they love me and that I am important but I cant see it. I dont feel it. I hear people talking to me but Im not listening, not really. I dont want to be like this but I am afraid that if i try I will fall far, too far. I feel like Ive given up all will to live.

I dont know why Im like this. I dont know why I cant accept help. I dont know why I cant see a future. I feel so lost and out of control. I just keep self harming and thinking about suicide.

My last attemt last week i was sent to hospital and I just told them what they want to hear so i could go home. My husband doesnt know how to help me and to be honest ive made thingshard for him.

Its too hard when i feel dead already.

[Just Sara]

Hi Sapphire

Just a quick few words as I'm taking time off for 'my' stuff.

I understand all of what you're saying...absolutely. However it's really important you dig deep to answer my question.

If you take a deep breath then try to bypass those feelings; just for a few moments, and ask yourself as if you're asking someone else, you might just get an inkling of an answer.

It's a very difficult challenge I know but extremely important. It's meant to get you in touch with the real 'you'.

Please don't think it has to be done straight away ok. Think of it as a personal challenge to overcome. You'll feel proud of yourself when the answer comes.

Writing it down will use a different part of your brain. Use words not feelings. Like a puzzle.

I won't nag but believe me I 'know' exactly what you're going through...exactly. I genuinely want to help you get through this confusion.

Please trust me and believe I can help. One tiny step at a time. 👍

Warm thoughts 💜

Sez x

[startingnew]

Im glad youve got the added support of Sez now Sapphire.

2 bb champs that have plenty of experience to help you out abf wherever DB got too. Shes amazing too.

Ihope you can get these break throughs

[Pancake_]

"My husband would be better off without me and marrying someone else and having a family. I have nothing for him". That's exactly how I felt just before I saw a doctor. Worst part was, the doctor I trusted, worked at the same surgery as my brother-in-law (husband's brother). It was totally worth it. Think of one person that you think MIGHT listen to you and go. My brother-in-law has never spoken to me about it. It's between me, my husband and my doctor. Just do it, sweetie, you won't regret it. Xxx

[startingnew]

hey Sappire

how are you handling things?

[Sapphire_]

Been struggling a bit. Feel like i cant even think anymore. I've been trying to think of the question Sez asked me. "Do you really 'want' to get better and recover?" I still dont know how to answer it because im not sure i understand the question any more or why it was asked.

Today i got my hair done in hopes that i would feel better. It was a fleeting feeling. Now im just meh..

Tomorrow im back at the day therapy. They convinced me to go back and give it another try. So will see how it goes i guess.

[startingnew]

Hey Sapphire


Sez's Questions are there to make you think about what you really want. She did the same thing to me and I thought what the heck, how am I suppose to answer those or I thought the answer was simple but they really arent. Dont worry about why it was asked, think more about what it means.


To get better and recover, you have to really want it.
For example:
'yeah I guess I want to get better' or 'I WANT to get better'


the first one to me really doesnt suggest they really want to get better, they dont want to do what it takes to fight this battle. The second one, of course they will have bad days but they really want it. They want a better life. Thats not saying the road will be short or easy, and there will be bad days but the difference is the second one will always get back up when they get knocked down.


Have a think, you dont have to answer straight away. I had trouble answering the question too but there is a method to her maddness (only kidding Sez), you just have to do soul searching.


Sez will of course have her own take on things and will explain it better in her terms but for now im hoping im not off the mark but its something to think about.


About your hair, im sure it looks even more lovely now, have you been slowly checking your list off?
Im really glad your going to give day therapy another go, I hope it helps you

[james1]

Hello Sapphire,

Startingnew's made a very good point about that question.

It's not one you need to answer now. It's not even one you need to tell us the answer to.

It's a question for you to think about.

My previous psych asked me once why I kept going to her if, as I kept saying, I didn't want to be there. I didn't know how to answer. I now do. I kind-of-wanted to be there.

At some point I realised kind-of-wanting wasn't helping me. I was stuck. Asking me that question prompted me to come to that realisation.

I didn't want to get better, but I wanted the same monotony of staying the same even less. And at some point, getting worse was not an option once I realised that people did care. So at that point, I wanted to get better.

Sounds awfully simple, and it honestly is. Not to say it's not effortful, but recovery is not a well-kept secret. We tend to stumble across our own reasons for getting better, most often while holding someone else's hand.

Hope your day is going well!

James

[Just Sara]

Hi Sapphire;

I'm not sure if I've been beneficial or not with my question looking at your words today. I do know though, it doesn't require a perfect or immediate answer. Understanding it would be ideal, but I can see you're struggling with the concept. That's fine ok? No pressure...

Please don't dwell on it; I've planted a seed and it'll sit dormant until you're ready. Questions are like that; when we're ready the answers come.

I'm happy you feel comfortable going back to day support. Having that encouragement and face-to-face help is a gift as not all on here have that opportunity. You're so lucky to get a placement. I wish you well and hope you warm to it.

Both SN and James hit on a very important aspect of being on BeyondBlue Forum; we genuinely care and feel good when people achieve those small steps. We cheer at our laptops and smile knowing we've made a difference.

I applaud your courage and stamina so much. You're doing the doing and that in itself is an amazing achievement. So well done!

Please let us know how things pan out ok.

Warm thoughts;

Sez x

[demonblaster]

Hey Sapphire & lovelies here 🙂
Thanks Sez (chooky) and Starting for your lovely words, soz haven't been around so much lately, but plan to keep coming back.
Btw Starting how are you from the accident now, I've read back from my last post

Dear Sapphire, you're showing some amazing strength wether you think so or not it's happening, you're starting to stand up again. So proud of you doing bits and it does feel good a sense of achievement as our beautiful Star said (Hey Rock Star 🙂 xx)

Nice one getting the hair done. Yeah agree it probs does look lovely, it's just the beast saying nah, don't believe it. Someone said that once here, we don't have to believe the negatives...Boom

Don't forget depression as said & it's true is masterful at making us see the bad in everything, it pulls us down everyway possible. It doesn't allow light in, but even though you don't think you have it in you, you DO have strength & by doing babysteps like you are keeping busy is reinforcing it. Good girl.

I've many times been where you are and it's the pits but it won't necessarily stay that way.
Sounds like you have a loving good hubby which is great.
Do you think maybe you can write or talk to your good friend and explain what's going on so they have an understanding and can forgive. Take a load off yous both. You need your mate darl

Darlin you have a lot of friends and support here, we care, now we've gotta get you to care about yourself again aye, you have good points you need to find them again, depression's burying your self worth

I agree darl you really do need to be honest about how you're feeling to the health pro's, they can't help if they don't know what's happening

We want you to to rise girl, we'll help hold you up (( soul hugs ))