Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

I did reply earlier but i must have hit the cancel button instead...

Grandy💖. Please dont be upset with yourself. Its all my fault. I take things the wrong way. I over react. I say things i dont mean and regret it immediately following. None of this is your fault, i never wanted to hurt anyone. Grandy your such a kind and caring person. I really appreciate you. I just dont want to hurt anyone and felt that me leaving would be better for you than knowing the alternative happened. If that makes any sense.

Emmy. Welcome to my thread. Please dont feel obligated to reply to any of my posts or to visit. I understand your doing it tough atm too so concentrate on you 😊

Deebi. I can totall imagin the Mary poppin situation with the umbrella. Made me giggle. 😆

My friend looked absolutely beautiful on her wedding. Was a lovely autumn day. I made a good effort of acting like i was having fun even when surrounded by heaps of people and screaming on the inside. My friend dragge me onto the dance floor where i downed a heap of alcoho to give me courage(stupid idea since i have an alcohol problem). I ended up stayin right til the end and didnt get home til 230am. Thats a whole 14 hrs out of my house. Paying for it now. Im so physically and emotionally exhausted. At leaast my friend now can look back on her day and remember us dancing together on the dancefloor all night long and other happy memories.

[Emmy.]

Hi Sapphire.

Firstly just wanted to say I want to be on your thread Sapphire, I want to here for you hun - don’t feel obliged at all. Xx

Well done going to your friends wedding and pushing through even though you were screaming on the inside. You should feel really proud of yourself. And like you said what beautiful memories you and your friend now share of her wedding day. You would of made her day even more magical!

You must be tired today. Hope you’ve been resting and taking it easy. Hugs. Emmy x

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Emmy. I feel like an absolute zombie.

Hubby is annoyed at me again because he just found out im still not taking my meds. He thought that i started taking them again after the last ED visit last week. I only said i would take them so i could get out of there and come home to my safe bedroom and bed. Hate ED and hate hospital so have learnt what to say to get out.

Woke up with the worst nightmare thismorning. Its the first one i have remembered in a long time. All my bedding was all over the floor and sweaty. Im too scared to sleep. I dont want to go back to that dream.

Tomorrow im going to spend the whole day finishing that blanket so i can gift to my friend for her bubba. Just need to do a border on it. Then its done.

Sleep well all.

💙💖☄

[Ggrand]

Dear Sapphire,💎..

Thank you.. but please it wasn't your fault..🌹

💜🕊💐..Care for you a lot..🕊

Kind caring and warm hugs..🤗🤗.

Grandy..

[Emmy.]

Oh no hun, why are you not taking your medication? It’s so important for you to have it if you’ve been prescribed it. Did you discuss it with your doctor, as to how to taper off them? Had to do it once when I was changing and it’s hard coming off them. Hubby would only be concerned for you. Remember there’s no shame in taking medication. Xx

[Sapphire_]

Something needs to change. Im so over this stupid depression. I cant take it anymore. I hate the constant suicidal thoughts creeping into my head every single minute of everyday. Im really struggling to put the skills ive learnt into practice. I dont want to be like this. I want to be normal. To be normal i have to be on meds? I feel like they werent making me normal, they were making me into something different. Im scared im going to be like this forever. I dont want to live life like this. Im not sure what the best thing to do is. I dont know how to change my life around. I dont want to have a MI. Its not fair. My depression has me convinced that the best option is to end it all, its all planned out. I dont want to do that. But i dont want my life to be like this forever. Im trying so hard not to let it win. I need help so badly and i dont know what to do. I feel like my heart is going to burst from my chest. I feel trapped in this life that is a nightmare. I just want to cry but cant for some reason. I dont know what to do. I cant deal with this anymore. Its too heavy. Im drowning.

[demonblaster]

Dear Sapphire 🤗💙

Hold on darlin. You don't think you're strong but you are and you're here.

Depressions making you feel unworthy but you are. Remember lovey what you taught us, not to listen or do what IT wants us to, do the opposite. Sapphire I know this hell pit only too well it consumes us with darkness and I also believe it won't stay this way. Time changes our lives and light comes back, we need to clear the way for it to come in. Feel your thought...breath through the pain..breath out...release and relax your shoulders, feel them soften you can do this

Can you make an appointment to get back on your meds and I know you don't want to but I feel the safest place is hospital hun you probably wouldn't be there too long but you need help darl this is too much on your own to be dealing with. I'm sorry you're in so much pain and anguish and always remember like in the past it can get better.

Remember how happy you were when your lovely friend came back into your life and other times you've lifted, it's in you to rise again.

How bout a warm relaxing shower, just let the gently flowing soft beads of heat roll over your head your shoulders and body, feel the stress wash away, breath hun focus only on warmth and light. You can get through this I know you can, we believe in you.

I'm right here with you, talk anytime.

How's your lovely doggy, what's it's name?

Breath sweet in slow and deep feel the release breathing out 💙🌹🤗

Deep care lovey 💗 believe in you..we do ☺

[Ggrand]

Dear Sapphire,

Im so really sorry that your feeling so down atm, notice I wrote atm, because sweetheart you are stronger then you think, you only need to get around a corner and that's not that far away, please walk with Deebi, and myself all of us, please take hold of our hands, we will guide you to that corner if you let us..

There is a future waiting for you , your future, you’ll know happiness. In your future, the beasty, the black dog won't be your shadow anymore, there are a lot of peaceful days waiting for you Sapphire, please try to believe this, I do.
This phase, this heartache your suffering with, will end, it has before, it will again, please believe in yourself

You may think that you will always feel like you do now, but please, I'm asking you to please hold on to the fact, that things change, you won't always feel this way..Think back, you have been well before, and it was so worth it..

You might be thinking that no one cares, but Sapphire we care very deeply for you, you have touched our hearts, in a way you might not realise, you are special and important to us

Sapphire, you can win this, beasty can be the looser, kick his butt, don't listen to him, do the opposite of what he's telling you to do..come on sweetheart, I have faith in you, I believe in you.. Thats the truth, I know your way stronger then you think you are..

We need you here..We love talking to you, your a special person and we care so much for you.. I need you to trust me when I say these things you’re feeling, these thoughts your having , they don’t last forever.

You are beautiful, loved by so many and your so unique, I need you to know that. You’ve been so strong before, please dig out your determination and courage and fight this darn beasty , it's your life not beasty's, don't let beauty take control of you.. I believe in your strength to get through this, please believe in yourself

Hold our hands Sapphire, walk with us, we won't ever let you go, together we can do it..I know you can, please Sapphire try and walk with us..take our hands, hold onto us and never let go ever, we care for you so much

I only hope that your know you’re not alone. I’m with you, we're all with you , our dear beautiful friend..

Please believe in yourself that this is a phase, it will pass like it did before..I, we need you to believe, have faith and have hope, that this will eventually pass... you will find peace. I believe that, Please believe that as well.

Care and warm hugs,

Grandy..

[Sapphire_]

I ended up in ed lastnight. They wanted me to stay to be admitted voluntary but i didnt want to. I think i made a mistake. I should have stayed. I need the help. I was scared. I sh really bad. I tried to die. I wanted it to be over. Im so tired. So very tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sapphire*, 

We've noticed that you're going through a difficult time at the moment and just wanted to check in and let you know that you're very cared for here on the forums. 

There have been some great posts here in your thread. They have helped to reassure you that you not alone, encouraged you to keep trying and reminded you to refocus your thinking to try to avoid making assumptions about how others feel and importantly that we all care about each other here on the forums.

Maybe have a look back on what you have talked about since you began this thread and try to notice some of the moments that went better than others, and consider what did you do different then? What made that moment better? And then, use this information to help set some goals for each day. Keep it simple, keep it focused and we will help you along the way.

You might also find through this process that there are some others things that we can help you with on the forums. Perhaps ask yourself - what do you want from the forums? 
Keep us posted on your plans and we will support you along the way.

Good luck and dont give up on the world .. we haven’t given up on you!