Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

I just need someone to tell me it was all a mistake. A misunderstanding. It was all in my head. Tell me i made the whole thing up. That i dreamt it. It was all a dream. Please someone tell me this. I need it to be just a dream. Something from my past. Not from now. Please just tell me i imagined it.

[demonblaster]

Ahh Sapphire 🤗 for as long and often as you need

What's making you scared to go home darlin

I think it took courage to tell your psych so you're not weak and you're living this hell and you're still here you've got stamina

A question Sapphire, is it depression saying it was your fault or some one else? Only answer what you're comfortable with hun

What you say to your psych is confidential so try not to worry about that you've got enough to cope with as opposed to a safety issue she wouldn't have reason to tell anyone

Think Grandy said she has the numbers close to where she sits where she can get them quickly. How about giving them a call some in the past may not have worked out but there's different workers with different approaches. At this point you need as much help as you can get.

I know its a terrible frightening place to be Sapphire darl but it usually does pass if you can just hold on and best not at all entertain the thought of dying instead remember the times you've pulled through. You want to be happy and it's achievable you can use that for a reason to keep going.

Sleep deprivations sapping your energy so everytime a bad thought comes in don't think anymore on it and remember its not going to stay this way. Tell yourself you can have and will again rise

We're here to talk too but please call someone

Are you still off meds?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and do care about you

It's not the easy way by a long shot but I think the reason we go with the downs cause it takes energy to think bad thoughts too is because we're depleted with tiredness which weakens us doesn't mean we're weak just energy wise but our strengths still in us just buried.

It's our thinking process that hurts us.. our thoughts.

You'd know by now you can trust us, if we're believing you can pull up then you can

Keep talking darl we're listening

⚘

[Sapphire_]

Deebi. I think it was my fault. It has to be my fault. Or it wouldnt have happened right?

I just chatted to someone on the chatline. It was somewhat helpful. But then i wasnt told what i wanted to hear. So anxiety has picked up alot. Just confirmed something i was wishing wasnt true. I need it not to be true. Or i dont know how much further i will sink.

I just need something to release this burden of pain. I cant take it.

[demonblaster]

No Sapphire NOT your fault, their sickness geez I wanna say more but no darl not your fault at all. No one deserves or wants that done to them.

So many poor people blame the wrong person I imagine depression causes that as it attacks our self worth but along the way there must be some coping mechanism not working to cause this thinking its cruel and not true but depression lies to us.

Glad you rang help line its ok that you're not saying what but I can't offer much not knowing the rest.

Are you sure its true what you confirmed.

I know hun the pain its misery 🤗

Hows the sleep going and nightmares

Have you been getting out of the house even if someone could take you for a drive a change of scenery can be a bit of reprieve what about asking your lovely friend do you think

Nice hot shower/bath don't know if that works for you

Dont remember if we mentioned meditation ph apps Insight timer and Smiling minds also heard Yoga Nidra if not if you place your mind hope I'm not repeating say at the beach watching the waves sit nice and comfy and be aware of your yeah I said this aye sorry shoulders relaxing (thought I may as well finish

Relaxes and clears your mind even if for a minute its that little bit less pain and could help sleep just keep gently taking your mind back each time it gets distracted

You're amongst friends here darls

Do you like flowers if so what type?

⚘💗👋

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Sapphire, Deebi is correct, please listen to her words, ..NOT your fault...

A week ago I was struggling with my beast really hard, beast would say something that sent me spiralling down deep into darkness, Then Deebi said something to me that made sense that clicked.. "Grandy
the pain they've caused has understandably continued hurt throughout your life. Don't let those Mongrels take anymore of you! ".

I got mad then I started to get back a bit of me so I would counter attack and yell at beast saying no your having me me. Beast backed down so I crawled enough to crawl upward toward some light...Again beast would remind me of tell me bad things about me...I spiralled down again, BUT, not as far, I was ahead stronger, this time my counter attack, I yelled again, No your not having me, again I crawled higher ,I was getting high enough now to remember the real facts, the real me, I had a teeny weeny speck of light, enough to get some strength to walk the rest of the way up.. hard yeah, but worth it..

Sapphire..... Trust Deebi, hot bath/shower, water on the head, insight timer or apps..breath ...counting....breath...

Lay down sweetheart, think of good things before sleep, it relaxes you takes you to some wher special, Deebi's beach, we're all sitting there listening to the waves together, believe Sapphire, you got way way out on top a month ago..you can do it again...these are crappy stages, phases. We got you,

no one is going to leave you Sapphire, we're holding you up..Draw strength from us, fight the beast, your stronger then him...Remember beasty is your mind, your thoughts, you can stop him Sapphire, by your thoughts.. Think good things.....Do the opposite of what beasty is telling you..

kindness and Care,

Grandy

[startingnew]

hi lovely

youve told me your story of it or part of it anyway. and besides that i believe you. it is NOT your fault. remember we had this convo a little while ago and i explained all the emotions, and thoughts surrounding SA surviviors (not i didnt say victim- theres a reason for that) you mightnt remember what we talked about so perhaps even go back and read your thread through from the start. theres not alot of pages atm.

i will always stand by you and i will always tell you its not your fault. because it isnt. i will tell you that till you believe it. its hard to believe that it wasnt your fault but it is true. the perps groom you into believing that so they are living guilt free, and by putting the blame onto someone else it stops them feeling like they done something wrong.

please Sapphire, beleive me when i tell you its not your fault ok. i am a real person behind this screen who has had this happen to them. it does get better. it takes a long while but it is possible and many members here are breaking through the light after several yrs too. please keep reaching out, asking for support and accepting that help. its no use asking for help then denying them to let you help you ok

i am more than happy to answer questions so if you have any then do ask and ill do my best to answer them and to help you through this. big hugs xoxo

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Deebi and Grandy. Its nice to have someone believe in me.

I dont want to trigger anyone with my post. So am scared to say what has happened. It was bad. Oh so bad. Today is the first day since tuesday that i admit it happened. I wish oh so badly that it didnt happen. I wanted people to tell me i imagined or dreamt it up. I still feel like its my fault. I shouldnt have fallen asleep during the day. I know im not allowed to. I was just so tired and sick. I should have stayed awake and it wouldnt have happened.

I called the 1800respect helpline. They helped me come to realise what had happened actually happened. My anxiety is so bad but atleast i got confirmation on what it was.

Youve mentioned the smiling minds app before to me and i downloaded it. I admit i havent used it yet. I do meditation at the beach when the sun isnt so hot. I have very fair skin so burn super easy.

I havent slept since tuesday. Im too scared to. However i am back on my meds. Its for the best. Doc wont let me have more than a weeks worth due to being suicidal  before. So have to go to the chemist once a week to get my meds.

I dont leave the house apart from going to therapy and meditation at the beach. Its hard now coz im scared to be at home but hate being out in public.

I did have a really hot shower but my anxiety wouldnt let me relax and couldnt stop shaking and even though the water was HOT i felt really cold.

Thank you beautiful ladies for being here for me. I know i alway say that i dont deserve the help but its been really nice to have your help. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I feel like i need it now more than ever.

Grandy im glad you are getting stronger each time you fight the beast. Im trying. Im not going to let it win. I will do the opposite of what it wants. Im trying so hard.

Loves and hugs to you all ❤❤❤

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Starts. I must have posted as you did.

Its so hard not to believe it wasnt my fault. Esp when i was doing something i know i shouldnt have been doing. There have been very strict rules and i broke one so i brought it on myself. I do remember our conversation, its just hard coming to terms with it.

I really do appreciate your help and understanding. Hopefully my post before this one shed more light. I just dont want to trigger/burden anyone with what happened.

❤❤

[demonblaster]

Hi all hope yous can come for some funnnn tonight or soon

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Any time from now

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[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

I'm just calling in to see how you are feeling, I was going to talk with you but my mind just won't stop telling me things I don't want to know anymore.

Sapphire I can't understand what you have done wrong, my mind goes to the worse possible scenario so I can't try to help you because I might say the wrong thing..

Ill sit with you here tonight, if that's okay..

some hugs 🤗🤗💜 .

Deep care,

Grandy..