Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[james1]

Hello Sapphire,

I'm sorry to hear you are really struggling. Many of us, myself included, have been in a similar circumstance where the thought of ending it all feels very good.

Like you, I also got really angry at why people seemed to intent on keeping me alive when I didn't want to. Why should I have goals if I didn't want them?

But one thing I did notice for myself was that, actually, I wasn't still alive because of other people keeping me here. I was here because somewhere inside me, I wanted to be here. Not the me which was angry at everyone, but the me which was sad and felt powerless against my depression.

I can't tell you what the point of continuing is, but I can tell you that there is a point, and there is a way. And until then, we will sit here with you - if you don't mind of course. We really do want to help support you as you find the answers you're looking for, and get the help you need from your doctors and loved ones.

James

[startingnew]

Hi Sapphire

i like what Sophie has said here. im really sorry that your going through all this and your urges are still really strong. please read waht sophie has said and think about what you can do from here.

we all want to help and support you as much as possible.

we care here but the forums are limited in what we can do

sending lots of hugs, love and encouragment to seek that help

xoxoxoxox

[Starwolf]

I agree with James, Sapphire. Probably because I too have been in a similar position. It is not Life that people usually want to end...they just want the pain to stop.

I wish I could help ease yours.

[startingnew]

Posted at the same time James.

What you wrote is very well done.

[Sapphire_]

I just feel like i keep stuffing everything up. I dont know how to accept help. Everytime i feel like something is getting too close i push it away. Im scared of getting better and then falling back down. I cant keep falling. It hurts too much. I dont know how to say how i feel or what has happened to me. Im scared that if i tell no one will believe me. Ive tried to tell someone before and was told i was a liar. So since then i have had trouble.

Yesterday i destroyed a very cherrished relationship with a ver close friend. Thats all i seem to do is destroy things and the few people i love.

I think i want help but am scared of it. I only hold onto the bad things and it all gets blowen outof proportion. I hate being hurt and feel helpless. I dont know how to fix myself. I fear being like this forever.

[startingnew]

HI Sapphire


thats the depression talking, its a life ruiner and makes us think the worst thing all the time. I can see you want help but your unsure how to accept it.
Youve done ok at accepting it so far esp with the state of mind you have been in. its very hard to accept help esp if youve been independent for so long or being the one who is always the ones whos dependant upon.
It was really hard for me to even accept I needed help and took a long while to learn to accept it.
I felt I was weak if I accepted it.. maybe this is the same for you? I also kept thinking I was being a burden to everyone... this again is a common thought and might resonate with you as well.


When we are told that we are lying about the way we feel it stunts our ability to keep asking for help. Your health professionals believe you, we believe you and im sure your husband believes you too and while he might not understand he sounds supportive of you.


Maybe the first step you could take to asking and accepting help is to start with a health professional. Take the time to speak to a counsellor, open up abit about yourself, your troubles and explain to them these fears your having with asking and accepting help. They can guide you slowly as well, and remember to have abit of an open mind. I know thats hard to do when your distressed but sometimes keeping an open mind can help you see things from another perspective.


I know falling hurts, ive been there and I still continue to go there but what give me hope is that we can get better. Take starwolf here as an example. It mightve taken her a long while to get to where she is today and sure she will still have her bad days but life picked up and the bad days became less. To be able to 'fix' yourself the first step is ackowledging that you need help and that extra support rather than running and hiding from it and those who love and care about you.

[Starwolf]

I see not knowing how to accept help as your main hurdle right now.

I know it is difficult to regain trust when it has been breached before. Therapists are neutral professionals. They've heard it all before and some more.They have no agenda or vested interest in denying something bad happened to you. Family members sometimes do, particularly when abuse is concerned. They may want to protect someone or want to protect themselves from a truth they can't handle.

It seems to me that you have reached rock bottom. There's only one way to go from there. The journey towards recovery is not an even one. Setbacks are part of that journey too. If you can accept that, then you're already on the right track. There's both good and bad in Life. Depression wants you to stay focused on everything negative. But holding on to the bad things can only lead to more of the same.

If your loved one was in trouble and experiencing what you are, wouldn't you like to know ?

There is a strange "logic" in destroying something you fear to lose because it is precious to you...you still lose it and must add on top of grieving the loss a feeling of guilt for being responsible. Causing a disaster to happen may give the illusion of being in control but any behaviour we can't help getting into means one thing : we're NOT in control. It controls us.

The mind is a complicated maze at the best of time, even more so the wounded one. You can wander endlessly around it, bumping into one dead end after another without finding the exit. This of course leads to exhaustion and despair. This is when a professional guide becomes a necessary ally.

You earlier expressed the wish to get better. A good start. What you need now is to muster the courage to take the plunge. No one else can do this for you.

But we're all right behind you.

[Sapphire_]

Today i started back on my meds. I went and got the script yesterday. My plan is to make lists of what needs to be done and go one step at a time.

I need to get over my first hurdle and learn to accept help offered to me. I also need to learn to trust the professionals and talk to them. Both of these are going to be my biggest obstacles to overcome.

I find that when I am around my hubby i can do things and i am not idle. So when he has time off work everything seems ok. When he goes back to work i am alone and idle and thats when things get bad again. So sunday night is going to be a challenge for me. Today so far seems to be an ok day. I just need to keep busy and not sit too long.

[startingnew]

hey Sapphire

its really good to hear from you.

sounds like things are picking up, try to just take it day by day and just do what you can.

its good that your able to be productive and maybe for sunday make a plan of what you want to accomplish and set yourself some goals with rewards. that way your more inclinded to do them as well

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Startingnew. ♡

Yeah im trying to keep positive. Its been a busy day for me, so havent had many chances to dwel on things. Its when im still i keep going back to the nightmare and my anxiety picks up. Im just not looking forward to hubby being back at work on night shift all week again.

Each morning i will be setting myself tasks to complete during the day to keep me busy and my mind occupied.