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I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent
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I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.
I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.
I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.
Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.
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Hello beautiful Grandy,
Our fur buddies are the best - most definitely 😊. They keep both our bodies and soul warm.Don't laugh (lol) but I take iszy out in the courtyard using a lead and harness. She is an indoor only cat. My previous cats weren't and unfortunately they passed away as result . It was a hard decision and I feel cruel Grandy because I'm not letting her be a cat but I feel it avoids the inevitable. It makes me sad knowing she's home alone when I'm at work as I don't want her to feel alone. I rent so I can't get another. .....she does have lots of toys 😆. The other good thing about doing in home care is that i get to meet my clients and their pets 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗. They are all so beautiful too.
Thank you for your kind words! Grandy, Youuuuu soooo deserve inner peace and to be happy within yourself. I truly believe once you find a good counselor/psych you connect with - talking everything through with that person will make a huge difference.
'Yesterday is in the past
Tomorrow is in the future
But today is a gift'
....I first heard that quote when watching Kung Fu Panda 😁. I haven't seen dinotopia or the big friendly giant - I will keep a lookout. Your taste in movies makes sense...I admire your gorgeous imagination Grandy.
Hope your day is going ok beautiful lady.
Warm hugs always 🤗🤗🤗🤗💜❤
Lee xx
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Hello Lee,
Thank you also for your concern about meds..I've decided to stay on them until I speak to my mhn..
I think that is a good idea with ear plugs..lol I might try that,mal though the others don't talk much to me because I don't talk to them much....I'm not comfortable talking to people, they give me the crappy jobs anyhow so they tend to keep away. They have all been working together for over 20 years and are a 10+ years older then me, so I understand that I'm the outsider and I just 🙊.and do what I'm allocated to do for the day...I run away from conflict....reasons..
Im okay today Lee thanks very much for asking.. Inhope you are having a good day as well....I'll reply to your other post later on tonight if that's okay sweetheart...loved you taking iszy out ..that's cute..
Awwe please sweetheart. believe me when I'm saying this...Your not hijacking my thread by replying to my posts on my thread....😌..truth sweetheart.. Please believe me..💜...
i will bbl.
Love and hugs dear friend..
Grandy..
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Hello Lee,
I hope it's ok if I write a little hello for now and come back another day?
Your story hit hard because deep down it reminds me of someone I love offline. I would like to talk to you more if you can give me a little time for now (I'm not feeling very well and am trying to stay offline for now).
Loneliness and isolation are very real causes of pain and suffering. I have been reading a book called lost connections by johann hari which talks about the NEED for connections in many forms to feel healthy. Have you ever heard of it?
One thing I want to mention for you to consider please ... is that there are times I find the needs of others and my need to care too intense. I completely shut down and isolate myself.
I do the same here on the forums sometimes unfortunately. I mention this because I feel given you feel lonely and rejected at times I want to give you a heads up that I'm flaky and unreliable at times. But that is my problem and weakness...not a reflection of your value as a worthwhile friend.
I'll check back in when I'm stable again but I completely understand if you find my unreliability a problem.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
Nat
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Hi Lee lee
i get it. I think I’m the same. I was never depressed before but my life has dramatically changed over the last few years. Death, divorce I struggle to fit in with anyone and can’t help but withdraw from people. My family are useless and don’t understand what I’m gojng through. I’ve been to counsellors - strategies, filling out paper work. Sorry but it’s ineffective. My area only provides Sessions in the middle of the day and I can’t attend them because I work and need to pay a mortgage off. I hate my job but have no choice in the matter. People think I’m successful, upmyself or self involved. I’m not, I’m just trying to get on and live. I have children and get no help. To get services, I have to take time off, I’ve been so unwell I was put in a mental health unit in a hospital where I was mistreated and abused. Yet making a complaint fell on death ears. It’s a disgusting place to be - alone and depressed and at the hands of nurses and doctors who don’t really care and counsellors who dish out strategies.
i get it, I really do. But you aren’t alone and you have to keep going. I hope by sharing story you find some solace in knowing that there are others like you. X
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Hello Beautiful Lee,
Im sorry I didn't reply until the following day..
Oh sweetheart I would never laugh at you...I hVe read here on line that another person does the same with her gorgeous fur buddy..I think it's a great idea especially if you close to traffic..Please don't feel guilty about keeping your cat indoors all the time. It's because you love her so much that you are doing so....My dogs are inside more then outside, I leave the door open of a day but they prefer to be inside with their mumma..I agree animals do warm our heart and soul....I speak to my fur babies like I speak to humans...
Meeting your clients pets would be one of the highlights of your day...It takes a special kind of person to do home care, Avery Kind, gentle and compassionate person sweetie and your one of those people..I read your replies to others here and your soul is beautiful...
I have read those words and often think on them..because they are so true..also I think on this little snippet I found a while back on the net...Every new day is a brand new day beginning of the rest of our life..
I hope your day is good Lovely Lee. with some inner peace and some light shining on you today...
Today i have my volunteer day....I must start trying to get my mind set that I need to go outside very soon....
Sening you love and hugs....
Grandy...
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Hi Lee and Everyone,
Do you sometimes feel like you are screaming into the wind and no one can hear you? Depression can feel like that at times. We want people to understand how we are feeling and yet don't know how to connect with people to let them know.
It can feel like no one cares, that is when I have to take a step back and work out how I can help myself and how I might be able to make someone else's day better.
I've been stuck at home with a moon boot on my foot and can only get out when my husband is able to drive me. I am sitting here thinking no one is calling me. Have I called anyone? Only a couple of people. Today I am going to telephone a couple of people, not text them, not send emails, actually phone them and talk to them.
Our mental health issues can help to create a world in our minds where we feel so alone and lonely. Some days I get that and can use strategies and plans to work around it and have an okay kind of day.
Other days I just have the blues and that is okay as well. I don't like it, it happens. It is what it is and I can try and make it different by getting involved with something even if it is just sitting outside in the sun listening for birds.
This forum is a wonderful place to connect with people and to form on line bonds. I try to balance it out with connections in the real world.
One thing with this forum, some people are here for a fleeting moment, some stay for years, we all do our own thing and have our own needs. Some days when I am feeling a little blue I drop in to the Social Zone to see what is happening there.
Wishing you a day where you have insight into little things that will help you through the day.
Cheers from Dools
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Hi Before,
Welcome to the forum and to the community here. There have been times when I have felt like talking to the psychologist and listening to the strategies has been a waste of time.
Now that I am lifting a little out of my deep depression I realise that what was said is actually helpful and beneficial.
I have just needed to find a way to put those things into practise. That has been the hard part. Understanding and accepting these ideas may actually help!
I'm sorry to read about your time in the mental health unit. I am sure that has really upset you and may have made you wary of receiving help elsewhere. Hopefully you feel like you can still trust some people to help you!
Wishing you all the best.
Cheers from Dools
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Awwww Grandy -you're beautiful.
Now I'm sorry for a late and short reply- I think lack of sleep is finally catching up with me.
Glad that you're glad to be home. Just don't forget to try a few short walks tomorrow 😉🙊.
Thank you my good friend...take good care - warmest hugs 🤗🤗.
Lee
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Hello Before,
Thank you so much for your post and sharing with me. I do find solace knowing I'm not alone but at the same time it hurts knowing others are hurting too.
I have to apologise for keeping this post short but I will reply at length soon. In the meantime, please know you are welcome to share your feelings with me any time .
Take care xx
Lee
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Hi Nat,
Thank you for your response especially given you are unwell. I hope you are ok. Please know I would never think anyone's delay in response is unreliable. I will reply at length soon.
thanks again Nat . I do hope you feel better soon.
Lee