I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy

Ooops...I don't know what happened to my post...maybe I hit cancel. ..silly me..

How are you beautiful? I do hope you are ok. I'm so hoping your psych appointment wasn't too stressful. .?

I hear what you're say

[Lee lee 73]

Oh gees, I did it again. ...

I'll be quick if that's ok hon. So Sorry. I am tired. I've not been sleeping, I feel nauseous everytime i eat something. Yesterday i was so low in mood i got home from and went straight to bed, sobbing and crying on and off. I reàd here on bb and also posted a bit so that helped. I remember you saying it helps you. Anyway I accepted how i was feeling and just waited for a new day. Am better -'i now have twice as much to do in regards to packing. The buggers never cleaned the townhouse I'm moving in to so I need to do that as well. It is what it is. ..it will be worth it. Thank you for offering to help - you're right, if you were here, not much would get done..way too busy laughing hugging talking and crying....🤗😙

I hear what you're saying about our negative thoughts Grandy. ..they are just so engrained though aren't they...it's hard. Thank you for your inspiration and words of wisdom Grandy. Truly, thank you. I didn't know that about changing psychs....

How was your psychologist appointment Grandy. I do hope it wasn't too upsetting and stressful. I'm so sorry Grandy, I forgot you had it today until I read your post on yours. Sorry hon 😔.

I'm sorry you're sad at Christmas too lovely lady. I hate it. I've done my own thing for the last 6yrs. I csn handle Christmas dsy, just not how the crap drags on leading up to it ....😢. This year my friend paul and I may just hang at the beach in the afternoon. He has his daughters in the morning. We'll see.

Thank you for the moondust and your beautifully described relaxation technique. It's funny because there is a waterfall about 5min walk from. It's set in the woodlands which is almost rain forest like. I go there when I need calming and too lazy to drive to beach. I will miss walking there.

I'm going to say goodnight my dear friend. Hope you are ok.

Lots of self care 🤗🤗. You are beautiful you deserve happiness my dear friend ❤❤💓. One day, hopefully soon, you will look in the mirror and see what we all see...wisdom courage love...lotsa love, care, funny , intelligence and less fear. ❤❤😙

Hop you can sleep well.

Love and hugs beautiful. ..🤗🤗

Lee

[Tess2]

Nobody, is a nobody Lee, you are you what is more important than thAt. Tess

[Guest8901]

Hi dear Lee Lee 🔔

Just a quick post for now. I realise you have your psych apt today, though not sure if morning or afternoon. Anyway I am wishing you well for that.

I also realise you'll be hard pressed to find time to do much more than pack for the remainder of your day. Moving day tomorrow, so it'll be all go. I'm hoping you're pretty much done with the boxes by now though.

I do love the sound of the waterfall only 5 mins walk from your current home. I adore rainforrest areas and in particular waterfalls and water running over rocky outcrops. I could sit, listen and watch that all day long. Its a pity you wont have that any more when you move to the new home. But I feel sure there will be other special places you'll soon discover near the new home.

Okay .. its brief I know .. but I'm thinking of you. Try to catch you later, if I can.

Tess - lovely to see you here too. You are so very right about nobody being 'a nobody'. Well said.

Amanda 🌺🤗😺🐶💕

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Tess2,

Thank you so much for your post. You made my day. Please feel free to pop in here for a chat whenever you feel up to it. I would welcome your company.

Hope are going ok?

Hope to talk soon.

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Amanda,

Are you ok? You have gone quiet on your thread. I'm thinking of you lovely lady hoping you are ok.

Thank you so much for popping in my good friend. You're beautiful Amanda.

Psychologist appointment went better than expected -'exhausting but ok. She wants to see me weekly until end of year. I think to get to know me and for support.

I'm done packing - just bits and pieces left !!!!!

I sincerely hope you are ok Amanda. Please take good care of yourself. You deserve it.

Thanks again. Love and hugs 🤗❤🤗❤

Lee

[Guest8901]

Thanks gorgeous. Really happy to hear the psych apt went well. Reassuring that she wants to see you weekly for much needed support as well as further 'getting to know you' and assessment.

Brief for now, but I come bearing takeaway morning cuppa and an egg and bacon muffin for you. I figured you would have everything packed already and awaiting the removalist. You need a decent start for what will likely be a busy and stressful day. Take the time to sit for a moment and relax. Oh .. Umm .. no chairs? Use the step perhaps.

I trust the move goes to plan, and I will greet you and Iszy at the other end .. your new home.

Amanda 💕💕

[Lee lee 73]

Awww thank you beautiful ❤. The cuppa and bacon and egg muffin went down a treat....yummmm. Thanks so much Amanda.

I'm concerned about you....when you feel like posting again. ...let me know if you're ok.???????

Sending you comforting hugs with love and care ❤🤗

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

........ I just want to cry Amanda.....I hate who I am. ....

No need to reply. I'm just venting...up and at 'em. Sorry!

Thank you Amanda 💓

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Im truely sorry you want to cry...Moving is very stressful, and daunting as well..You can do this sweetheart,,,big big breath..it won’t be long and your in your brand new home, once the furniture is in, take a big deep breath, sit down make a cuppa, put your feet up, then give yourself a huge pat on you back from me, for doing a hard and stressful task and accomplishing it....It was only 3 years ago I moved myself into my home here..yes it’s really hard and I had many tears falling that day as I’m thinking you might...Sweetheart...everything can stay boxed up until you’re feeling better. I still had things in cartons 12 months after I moved in..then one day I decided to do them..So please don’t push yourself to hard to complete it all today...

Im pleased Amanda brought you a nourishing breakfast, she is a beautiful person....

Please don’t hate who you are..Lee...Geez we all love the sweet, kind, gentle, loving, strong, kind, compassion,and caring person you ar are so very much...that’s the truth sweetheart...

Just step back now, while you’re reading this, take two big deep breaths with your eyes closed and feel my arms around you, try to feel my hug warming your soul and the love and care we are all sending you beautiful friend....You can do this and I’m right their with you in spirit every step of the way. Try as hard as you can to quieter those beasty thoughts by being mindful today, look at your beautiful new townhouse, the street it’s in, your surroundings, your kitchen where you can cook up some yummies...Maybe when you settle in we can all come to yours for a dinner party..

Just dropping you of some chocolate 🍫 for some energy you might need today..🍫 is so good for our soul...Oh and of course some strawberries 🍓...

Love and hugs beautiful friend..

Grandy...