I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[Birdy77]

Hello Tim,

I just wanted to add my support, I'm sorry to hear of the painful place you're in after the phonecall yesterday morning. Tony and bindi have great advice here for you.

I hope you can find that peaceful spot to sit and breathe.

And i hope next week when the family is on the holiday that you will find some solace in the projects you have in mind, as you said, therapy of sorts.

Take great care of yourself during this time.

🌻birdy

[tim55]

Hi Everybody,

I thought I'd just double back and post some quick replies to those posts I've missed yesterday.

Tony WK - The idea of going somewhere and sitting in peace is a great one thank you. However, the idea of not being transparent with somebody I have hidden secrets from and lied to for 34 years is not going to build any trust. Telling her that I am going to the beach or camping for a couple of days to think some things through is very different. The idea of then inviting her to that place and surprising her is a manipulation that I know would not work for my wife and may well upset a lot of other wives/girlfriends/partners/spouses.

Doolhof - Whatever comes of our relationship, I expect it to be different. That, hopefully, is good different. But whatever, my actions and what I have brought to my wife's life are always going to be there.

[tim55]

Hi Tony WK

Thanks for the thoughts. At the moment, through divine intervention. Yes, I believe that to be the case. My wife is willing to give me more time to prove to her I am worthy of her future.

If things were ending or will be ending, I think some of your suggestions about life after divorce are good ones. Especially building my own life and one with my children. I'm going to have to do a great deal of buliding with my family, no matter what.

As for the number below. It has been in my phone for a long time now. One of the first things a counsellor told me to do. Fortunately I have never felt the need to call it, but I know it is there and always ready to help.

[tim55]

birdy,

Thanks for the kind thoughts. I think next week will be a good week, as long as the projects work out well. If they don't it might get a little ugly! I'm not a great handyman.

As I said before, there might be a future for my marriage, so I am feeling a lot better today than yesterday. But I do appreciate the support found here, so willingly given to strangers.

Tim

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone, we've removed a couple of posts from this thread as they were disrespectful toward other users, and made reference to the moderation of the discussion.

There are some sensitive topics being discussed in this thread, and for the most part, great care has been taken by those participating to share differing views without resorting to getting personal or judgmental of others.
When posting on the forums, think carefully before you post and if you think what you've written might not be described by one of the five words below - don't post it.

• Supportive
• Respectful
• Empowering
• Safe
• Friendly

Also, if you see posts on the forum that you feel don't align with those five values, report it to moderators and we'll take it from there - don't escalate the situation by arguing it out in the thread.

[white knight]

Hi Tim

Re: "and surprising her is a manipulation that I know would not work for my wife and may well upset a lot of other wives/girlfriends/partners/spouses."

It might upset your wife, you know her and I don't...fair enough. As for all others none of us know but I do know that if I took my wife to my secret lookout on a mountain and then told her I come here to ponder on our love and the times we've had together, how wonderful she has been to me...and I hope she accepts my apology etc...she'd be over the moon.

I don't see it as manipulation at all but that's ok Tim. The hidden faces and the lack of person to person connection on a forum has its boundaries.

You are talking better today. Good to see.

A few threads for you to google if you feel like it

Topic: Channelling an art you can try- beyondblue

Topic: is love all you need?- beyondblue

Topic: happiness, what should be your goal- beyondblue

Topic: my "plugger" idea on upsets- beyondblue

Tony WK

Tony WK

[tim55]

Hi Tony WK,

I suppose the point I really want to make is that we are all individuals and to be careful with advice. Place it in your own context, with what you know.

I am feeling better today thank you.

Tim

[white knight]

Tim

I am very careful with my advice. The advice given is given in the context of trying to help you. I think you are overlooking that for some reason. Thats ok.

Any advice given allows you to take it or reject it. That is your free right and I as a member and a community champion of some years standing would not require such warnings.

I hope you find what you are looking for in life. You are an honest person. I also hope you find the help you need, here or elsewhere.

Tony WK

[tim55]

Good Morning Everybody,

Its time for me to move on from this thread. I started this conversation when I was looking at spending my first ever Christmas alone.

That has passed and I thank you all for the support and good thoughts.

birdy and bindy - I'd like to especially thank you for your understanding and the balance you have expressed in your views.

I wish everybody, a happy, healthy and blessed 2018.

Tim

[Sophie_M]

Hi tim55,

Thanks for sharing this journey with us at what has been a really difficult and challenging time for you.  This has been a really thought-provoking discussion for many.  

We think it's appropriate that you have the last word in this thread, so we're going to close it off now.

If you wish to continue on the forums now or at a later date, you are welcome to start a new thread.