I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, Thank you for the update, I'm really glad something positive came out of your time with your family, even if it feels a little tentative right now.

On rebuilding trust, thats something my partner and I are going through right now. It doesn't have to be an open ended situation where you walk on eggshells forever. What may help most is to ask your wife what she needs to see happen exactly in order to feel trust again. Promises do not rebuild trust, evidence of trustworthy behaviour does.

In your situation, I suggest that complete transparency with your internet use will go far. Give her something that she can see and internalise that is trustworthy about you. Give her passwords to your email, show her how to check your internet history. Ask her to check, so she can see that you are trustworthy. This will also help keep you accountable. And most importantly, be that trustworthy guy she needs and looks up to.

[tim55]

Hi Bindi,

The interesting part of what is going on is that as far as my internet use is concerned, my wife does believe me that I have stopped. I have and have a very strong conviction I will never go back to the filth.

The biggest issue is not the internet, although my wife does have access to my email, facebook and the like. The biggest issue is I have been a pathological liar, especially in the heat of an argument. Lies and hiding got me safety from my verbally abusive father as a young boy. When in confrontation, especially when I have been in that wrong, the lies come out again. This is where there is no trust and while we are having conversations about what I have done, I trip myself up.

My wife is a very honest and precise person. So a conversation where I have told her the truth, but have not been extremely accurate, fulsome and forthcoming leads to a great deal of angst. I trying to learn how to speak to her again, but I am struggling and failing.

[geoff]

hi Tim, I accept what you are saying, I was only trying to make you feel comfortable in what happened with me, but please keep this post open.
I am about to log off and get back in touch with you tomorrow, forgive me, I start early and stop early, I think they call that getting old. Geoff.

[tim55]

Thanks Geoff,

I appreciate your words and thoughts.

It's going to be a long journey and the odds are that I will end up very much alone in my future. I will survive that and possibly even thrive. But as I said at the moment, I am not ready to give up on my married, despite all that I have done to it, or my family. That determination may have to be refocussed in the future. But I'm not ready to jump to the future just yet.

I did start this thread more from the point of view that I will be alone for the first time at Christmas. It was a very selfish act on my part. I am/was trying to work out how I will cope. I must not be the only one in this type of situation or have gone through this situation or going through it this year. I was looking fr some hlp, but perhaps some others have found some help in it as well. So much the better.

I'll keep an eye out when I can Geoff. Early on and early off is still far better than what I am doing at the moment, late to bed and early to rise. I should be doing better in the self care stakes.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, My partner has a very similar problem with lying or misleading people at times, also because of his beautiful nature combined with a father who shut him down, and the pain and loneliness of his childhood.

He was a latch-key kid, the loneliness he experienced was terrible and fantasy became a big part of his life. I understand this very well, we are from similar backgrounds, but I had learned some tough life lessons before I met him. I've felt protective of him since I met him, for being so vulnerable.

I think conflict causes him so much stress that he often lies or hides what he really thinks or feels to avoid disagreement with anyone. Therefore loyalty doesn't come easily to him, as it involves standing his ground and picking a side. He finds it hard to be completely loyal to any one person, but also finds it hard to be faithful to his own values. Breaches in fidelity were the worst. I discovered his porn use very early, but I kind of get that its fantasy and it didn't hurt a lot at the time because I was still young myself, in my prime. I asked him not to use it because excessive porn use is proven to socialise men into objectifying and dehumanising women. So instead he created a fantasy life on the internet with young women who looked like porn models. It was a lot worse! He met them on a forum mainly about sex, and formed close friendships with the `hottest' ones. His fantasy had got to the point where he was planning to meet up with one of them alone. And yeah, discovering ten years of your partner's secret sex fantasy life is definitely shocking and traumatic.

We only got through it all by talking, and a lot of honesty. It took months. My self worth totally abandoned me for a long time, I could hardly stand to be in my own skin and I was overwhelmed by grief. It took a lot of work to face my imperfections and make peace with them. Somewhere in the process, I was able to finally see my partner's behavior wasn't because of me, but because he's an imperfect human being, still growing, struggling just like me. And that he loves me, doesn't care about my imperfections or even notice them. We became a lot closer through that, but it was a process. I credit his unwavering love and willingness to listen to my pain, even in the death throws of lost self worth, and how that can come out as anger and accusations. We have some boundaries surrounding internet use now, which have helped.

My advice, is be patient with her lost self worth.

.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, I ran out of words, sorry about my abrupt ending to my post.

I just wanted to add some things worked for us going through a breach of fidelity.

-Some of it had to be my work, digging myself out of the black hole of lost self worth. Something that had happened over many years of loving my partner, and going through increased vulnerability with aging, is I had attached most, if not all of my self worth to our relationship and his love for me. For a religious woman, it would the equivalent of making your husband into God and holding him those standards. But a husband is not God, he is a frail imperfect man. I had to come to see that my self worth is something that needs to come from within, in order to accept my partner's imperfections.

-Nothing he said to try to justify or explain what he did helped in the beginning. What helped was him listening and helping me through the pain, however it came out.

-I had to create realistic expectations surrounding the lying. He doesn't lie a lot, just about important things. (lol). I told him to be truthful about relapses, and that if he makes mistakes we talk about it honestly without me rejecting him. This helped. He stopped having relapses after that for some reason.

-We had other issues in our life that had caused him to be prone to fantasy, beyond his childhood. We addressed those things.

-We are a lot more transparent with one another about these issues. Our conversations are deeper and I think he is gaining trust in me.

Anyway, that's what's been going on in my life, i hope sharing all that has helped in some way. I think you're a good guy who loves your wife and family. I want it to work out.And if it doesn't work out, I hope that you can let go of shame and accept that you make mistakes, and you are still lovable.

[bindi-QLD]

That was suppose to be two posts, the first didn't show. oh well 🙂

[geoff]

hi Tim, what happens in the future is unknown, but the main point you make is that you want the marriage to work, that's really a good attitude and a strong determination and by starting this thread posting that you will be alone is by no means self-fish, there will be thousands of people who will also be by themselves, and for that I'm truly so sorry.
If you stay at home then the pain may intensify, but if you take it as 'just another day' the pain weakens, but it won't if you are missing your family and Tim that puts you into that category, which saddens me.
I can remember my first Xmas after my divorce, I was by myself, so I know what you saying, especially when you are only an inch away but feel miles away, that's what makes it so much harder for you.
The biggest part on your side at the moment is that your wife believes that you have stopped and that's what you can build on.
Speak to you on Xmas day if you are around. Geoff.

[tim55]

Hi bindI

Thanks for taking so much time and effort in getting back to me.

Lying for me was certainly a way to avoid conflict. My father was an angry, verbally abusive man. So lying or just avoiding conflict with him was the normal way of life as a kid. It was something my mother modelled to. She would not go up against him when he was in a foul mood. Neither of those behaviours is a good thing in a marriage and I bought both of them, and the addiction or choice to use filth as well.

I think I have said this before. My wife sees what I have done as a rejection, among a number of other rejections. Our sex life was never good and that was my fault not her lack of willingness. She feels that rejection keenly. Then I had to be discovered to stop my use of pornography and my fantasy life on the internet. To top it all off, I was and am still a lying. I think I've got to about 5 days without lying, but as soon as the converstation is difficult, out come the lies.

My wife has asked for the truth, and for me to recant and tell her when I have. That is hard, there was a situation recently when I was not truthful. Being vague when it comes to memory had a part to play in that, but my wife heard it as a lie. While I corrected what I had said, she was still aghast that a lie was the first thing that had come out of my mouth.

I have to gain my wife's trust and the trust of my children. Having been a liar it is very hard to rebuild any trust, without a lot of time and a real effort to ensure what I have said is true. At the moment, my wife is very much over that effort.

At the moment my wife still blames herself for what I have done, she will not accept it is not about her. That is not helped by my father and his sister both suggesting there had to be something wrong with the marriage for me to continue to use pornography. Neither of them can accept that this is my fault and to some extent the fault of my father (he introduced me to pornography, it was mild by current standards, but at the time and for an 11 year old it wasn't).

I know I am being compared to my wife's father. He was an incredibly upright and honest man. No matter how good I am, I will never be able to match him.

Thank you for all your sharing, it was incredible that you would open up like that to a stranger. I keep reading your posts. I keep hoping for the best.

[tim55]

Well that was a first, me running out of characters

To finish up

Thank you for your assessment of me, and what I want for my marriage and my family. I want what is best for them, and I hope I am realistic enough to accept at some point that might not be me. That will be hard, it will hurt deeply. But if that is what is to be then so it will be and I will develop the strength to move on. I'm just not ready to do that yet.