I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Birdy77]

Hi Ghost,

Just wondering how yesterday went for you? I can understand your anxiety beforehand, i have felt like that too when approaching those initial appointments.

I hope it was a relief of sorts, to get the first meeting over with. Are you exhausted? Dools is so right about feeling like you've been in an emotional boxing ring.

I'm glad your husband has realised and admitted he needs to work on his issues. I am so sorry you feel that added burden of worry about what you wear and what gender friends you talk to. I hope you will be able to let those worries dissolve (easier said than done), because they truly are his issues and they're an unfair restriction on you as an individual person.

Life feels really difficult for you right now, i know. You are taking steps to get through this very dark patch Ghost, and you are doing so well to get through every day (especially with your mother there).

Go very gently with yourself.

Thinking of you.

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hey Birdy...

Thanks for checking in. The appointment was draining. I felt really emotional and exhausted afterwards.

I'm supposed to keep a diary and write down 3 things every day that I'm thankful for. Seems so simple... except it's not. I freaking hate keeping a diary and I struggle to find something to write down... I feel guilty and stupid about that...

Thanks xx

[Ggrand]

Hi Ghost,

Don't you hate that, they are supposed to make us feel better, but all they seem to do with me is bring things to the surface that i don't what to know. I have refused to open up to mine, much to her despair, but she said my next visit in two weeks will definitely have be the hard ones..

I haven't had to do the journal entries as yet, I would also find it hard to do.. your neither guilty or stupid, your a beautiful person who has been hurt very deeply and badly..

please don't think of yourself in negative ways, I have read through most of your story, you are so courageous, brave, and you have a gentle caring soul. You had the courage to speak up..I didn't , I never again saw my parents they have passed on now.i have regrets there. My brother is still alive, I have never seen or spoke to him again in over 50 years..No regrets there.

Stay strong Ghost, you put them asleep once before, I'm really hoping you can do it again, you deserve to have a happy life.

Kind thoughts,

GG.

[Croix]

Dear Ghost~

I hope you don't mind me popping in to your thread, however there was a couple of things I wanted to say to you.

The first is right here, the difficulty with those 3 things per day. Mrs Dools started a thread a long time ago called:

Forums / Staying well / Three things to be thankful for today

Which many people contribute to. If you are stuck you could look there and see some of the things that people have valued and that might prompt awareness from your own life (plus of course you might contribute as well:)

The other thing was about the hesitation you had about posting. I read it in DB's suicide thread.

I'm scared that my darkness will affect you and that is something I can't do to you

Well I can say a couple of things (Three actually:) First is that nothing dangerous gets though, this is a safe monitored place. Second that you here are talking to people that have had to make their own journey though illness and doing it together yields strength.

The third is that there are many happy endings, I'm one and you will most likely be another - we can't see the future clearly and at one stage in my life I would have thought a happy ending for me was quite impossible.

You are very considerate and caring in not wanting to burden or harm others - but don't worry, it will be fine

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. Forgot to say - why not tell your mother you are writing a novel and don't give sneak previews.
-C

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghost,

Well no wonder you hate keeping a diary! Your mother ruined that for you didn't she.

If you want to be a good girl and do your therapy homework 😊 you could try just writing some very brief notes. Just to focus on feelings that day?

Or you could just keep a diary about how much you hate keeping a freaking diary and let rip about it. That's valid. And could lead to productive work with your therapist.

I was going to suggest what Croix said, check out the thread Three Things To Be Thankful For Today. It's really good because sometimes people put down the coolest and most simple things. One i remember reading was "although my fridge is making some very strange sounds, it seems to still be working". I liked that one. They don't have to be big things.

Sorry i haven't replied yet to your post on the other thread (DB's). I will. What you said about feeling like you're underwater makes a lot of sense and is a really good description, one i think many on the forums could relate to.

And i also wanted to say you are not bringing anyone down by airing your issues. That's why the forums are here. Croix said it above better than i ever could, but you posting part your story is helping countless people who read and don't post. I have seen you supporting others on the other thread, sometimes even just saying "i understand how you feel" or "i feel the same way" can do so much to support a person who is really struggling ... and you've done that, so don't say you don't contribute here, you do. And just putting any part of your story out there is supporting others. You're an important part of this community. I hope you stay, i like talking to you.

How are you feeling today?

🌻birdy xo

[Ghost_76]

Hi Birdy.

Thank you for your support.

I'm feeling shaky today and tired. I'm feeling a bit trapped. I'm also a bit scared...

How are you doing today?

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghost,

I know that feeling of trapped and shaky. Heart beating fast. Racing thoughts. It's an awful feeling. It will pass though ok? You've acknowledged it's there, that's what's happening today, observe it, let it run its course. It will run its course.

You're doing a mammoth job of getting through each day, with all this welling up inside, and still carrying on with your duties of mum and wife and everything else. Well done. When i feel like you do, i have the luxury of being a hermit, facing only my partner, animals and garden! I applaud your strength.

I'm feeling a bit fragile today. I had a heavy convo last night with my (wonderful) partner about past rubbish, and cried a lot and poured too many glasses of wine ... so it's been a quiet day of feeling sorry for myself.

Tomorrow will be a better day for us both i hope😊.

Sending good vibes and caring thoughts your way.

Hang in there Ghost.

🌻 birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hey Birdy. Sorry to hear about last night. It's shitty when that happens. I like wine, but like beer more... wishing you sunshine and happiness xx

[Ghost_76]

Thank you, Criox... thank you so much...