I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Ghost_76]

Christmas... nothing merry about it today... Had a discussion with my partner yesterday. The psychologist I had in the past was a male. Not my choice - that's what was available. I knew my partner had some issues dealing with my past. It seems he also had a issue with me talking to the psyc...

I don't understand - I had issues with sex - I definitely go see someone so i could cheat on my partner!!! He told me he knew it was his issue and he trusts me.

The whole conversation came about, because I wanted to know if he was okay with the fact that I was talking to a friend. He was the one who put me in touch with someone I can go see next year. After I told him there was never anything going on with the psyc - he told me he had no further issues.

Yesterday my friend called to check in. I was open and honest with my partner about the call. Well... he cracked it... telling me I'm sending signals out and that my friend is just after one thing...

I apologized and said that I would stop all contact... I spent the night thinking about this... maybe he is right. Maybe that is what my brother saw... one thing that stands out is me... I'm the problem - causing trouble and upsetting the people around me. This is all my fault... all I can say is that I never thought about the people I spoke with in THAT manner. Now I feel cheap and dirty. No wonder my brother did what he did. No wonder nobody believed me...

Why do I keep swimming in this deep dark ocean... it would be so much easier to sink... so peaceful...

[Mia001]

Hi Ghost,

I hope I’m not interrupting here. I’ve skimmed through your thread, and all I can say is wow. It takes a lot of strength to keep going when you’ve been through so much, so please don’t give up now.

It’s not your fault.

Its not your fault that your brother abused you.

Its not your fault that your partner accuses you of cheating.

It’s normal that you blame yourself, but its NOT you. Your partner chooses to believe your cheating even though it’s not true. That’s not your fault. You’re not doing anything wrong by seeing a psych or talking to your friend. You said yourself that you never thought about the people you spoke with in THAT way. So please don’t blame yourself.

If you need to talk to someone, please consider calling one of the helplines...

Beyondblue 1300 22 4636

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467

Sorry if I come across too assertive - please let me know if I’m lecturing. I tend to be a bit bossy.

Anyway, just letting you know that I care and I’m here if you want to talk. Hope this helps.🙂

Take care,

Mia

[Ghost_76]

Just need to correct something...

"I don't understand - I had issues with sex - I definitely go see someone so i could cheat on my partner!!! He told me he knew it was his issue and he trusts me"

I definitely DIDN'T go see someone so I could cheat on my partner!

I'm sorry

[Mia001]

Hi Ghost,

Hope you don’t mind me being here. I did write a reply but it’s in moderation at the moment.

Just wanted to let you know I care and I’m here if you want to talk.

Mia xxx

[Nztruckr]

Hi ghost

First off what a day your having like mia said its not your fault this stuff happened from all i have read you didnt ask for any of it so how could it possibly be your fault

Secondly i think your partner has a few issues but definately unfair to put those issues on you i think sometimes seeing someone that has connection with other parties you know could also be a bad thing especially seeing as he has accused you already for cheating the fact he said he knows its his issue and problem doesnt take away the hurt or pain you felt when he said it sometimes having a person that is neutral to everything you currently know will provide you with a different perspective rather than someone your boyfriend wants you to see as its not his issues your trying to fix they'r yours plus it does seem your partner has a jealous streak with anyone male in your life you are allowed to have male friends

Thirdly i feel for you and think you definately deserve better than what you have been dealt in life please think about those numbers mia mentioned if you are feeling in a bad place but know we are all here in case you wish to talk i hope you can get through to your psychologist appointment

Wishing you hugs and kindness and hope

Take care am here if you need

[Ghost_76]

Thank you Mia and Nztruckr.

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghost,

Just saying hi and hope you are hanging in there while your mother is there (is she still there?). Sounds like the christmas was pretty crappy with the fallout with your partner. As NZtrucker and Mia very rightly pointed out, these are HIS issues, and do not in any way reflect upon you, and most certainly do not have anything to do with that cruel abuse that your brother and his friends inflicted upon you when you were just a little girl.

How has the rest of the "festive" season (please note the inverted commas. Seriously!) been between you and your partner?

I am glad you are seeing the therapist, is that this week or next? Hopefully you click with them, if not, don't be discouraged, there are others you can try (i know that's hard, but i truly think it will help you).

It must have been exhausting having your mother there. I've been having dreams lately where i am screaming, full of rage, fury even, at my mother and my father ... so much unexpressed, and whenever i am physically around them, which is hardly ever, i feel like I'm going to burst, and have to keep the fake smile etc going ... it's so hard and draining. So i really feel for you, having her there with you over the holidays.

Good to see you over on demonblaster's other thread. Post wherever and however you feel comfortable.

We're all here for you. You can float because we're here, helping to hold you up ok?

Caring thoughts.

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hi Birdy. How are you? I'm hoping that you are doing well.

The "festive" season was not very festive... a lot of tention and stress. Hubby and I had a long talk about everything. He admitted that he needs to work on his issues... the thing is that the damage is done... I'm doubting myself more than ever. I don't feel comfortable doing anything... everytime I dress myself or put something on that smells nice - I question myself... wondering if he's going to take it in a wrong way...

That is why I never wanted anyone to know any of this... it's the judgment... everytime I talk to someone - feeling like I'm doing something wrong... even writing on here - if anyone ever knew or found out!!! It really freaks me out just thinking about it...

I feel your pain and anger regarding your parents... I'm really struggling! I'm finding it hard to make eye contact or even her just being near me... I tense up and yes... it feels like I'm going to implode!!

At the moment I'm just trying to get through everyday... I'm seeing the therapist on Thursday... very, very anxious about it... everything is an effort... trying to float, when it seems easier to sink.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Thanks for not judging..

[Doolhof]

Hi Ghost,

Please don't ever think that you deserved what happened to you. We have no or very little control over the evil things people can do to us. You did not ask for what happened, you did not encourage it, someone else took control of you.

For your partner to think that you are inviting sexual advances by men in your life now, seems to me that he has insecurities and issues of his own.

In the past I have seen female psychologists. Last year I started to see a male and for me, he has been the best thing since sliced bread! He has helped me immensely. I certainly do not have an issue with him being male and a lot younger than me, it is his understanding and knowledge that I am there for.

I also hope that you will feel comfortable in time dressing yourself nicely, putting on perfume and feeling like a lady. You deserve to be whom you desire to be.

Hopefully the appointment on Thursday will go okay for you. If you find it difficult to talk about issues, maybe you could write them down.

I also like to go a bit earlier than the appointment, have a 5 minute walk and do some deep breathing. After a session I like a bit of alone time to be able to sort out what just happened. Sometimes it can feel like you have just been in an emotional boxing ring.

Wishing you well for Thursday Ghost!

Cheers from Dools

[Ghost_76]

Hi Dools,

Thanks... everything is happening so fast now... seeing the GP tomorrow and therapist Thursday...

Having panic attacks... flashbacks... not in a good spot...