I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01 · ‎17-04-2017

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

HamSolo01 · ‎25-11-2018

I agree James. Respect is the most important part of this human relationships thing we do.

Understand that people are different, but then we are also similar in many other ways too. As I write this I am overseas. Staying with a friend. Some the others were telling me about a crazy friend of theirs. Made me think of the same thing back home lol.

Anyway. Hope you are well.

HamSolo01 · ‎01-12-2018

Hey peeps.

I am in NYC atm and just dropping in.

Travelling with mental health can be daunting but always remember that you can still do it.

I had a bit of a break down yesterday but managed to pull myself out of it with a bit of help from my dad. Thank God for that.

It can be daunting and hard to navigate in a new place and new city on the other side of the world.

But I am learning how I have to treat myself and how much I can realistically expect from myself. Basically a testing ground. For everything.

While it can be hard and a challenge to motivate, I believe that for every time you push yourself a little bit. Then there is a lot that will meet you there. A reward. An achievement. A reason to it.

james1 · ‎03-12-2018

Hey Mitch,

Good on you for pulling out of it and also reaching out to dad. I'm glad to hear you feel like you're pushing yourself, but still in a safe way and finding rewards and seeing the achievements in being able to do so.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip 🙂

James

HamSolo01 · ‎09-01-2019

happy 2019 thread

Just wanted to post a bit of an update

- I am intending on heading back to the EU to continue the rest of the course/workshop. This involves finding a job somewhere and I thought I had one organised yet they kind of buggered it up. Thought I could start earlier. But that's okay, wasn't passionate about that job anyway. Probably would do more harm than good. Currently looking all over and hoping on finding something soon.

- There is a real trick to purusing a career in international relations and government. Seems like it is a case of finding "something" and then just going from there. So far so good on that front, because that's what the workshop is about. Let's hope it can help with that.

- I have given myself 5 years to organise all of this. I think this is a decent time frame in which I can pursue this goal.

- my Mental health remains on balance. I have the right dosage of medications and the right balance of good food and regular exercise. While overseas, this will likely be the biggest "Adjustment" i need to get used to.

- I no longer feel anxious or depressed about my relationships scenario. I went on some dates last year and learned a good deal about myself. Focusing on my career goals and aspiration (considering they are rather vague at this point) is my main focus. I still haven't had sex or anything like that which I originally posted on here a while ago now (about a year or so ago) and I'm unbothered. I really just don't care about fickle things. Curiousity can get the better of me at time about that stuff, but in reality there are more important things to focus on.

Hope you are all well and having a good start to 2019

blondguy · ‎09-01-2019

Hi HamSolo

What an inspirational post/update...and huge thanks!

With a proactive attitude like yours I would be very very surprised if you weren't successful in a new career....no matter where you apply...globally!

You have words of wisdom and encouragement about relationships too...........I really like when you mentioned "in reality there are more important things to focus on" I have taken a mental note on that for myself...Nice1

You are an amazing person HS...and Kudos to you 🙂

my kindest....and thank-you for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family for so long too!

Paul

HamSolo01 · ‎17-01-2019

hey BB forum dwellers

Just wanted to say hi and let you know I am back for a while on here. I think it was good to take a break from BB forums for a while. Just gave me some space over on the other ones I use too.

Currently I am looking for work in the UK. It's hard. Very hard. I think I am getting there. I am going to the UK because I am going to a course in Poland - it is easier to work and live in the UK because I don't have EU citizenship.

My mental health is on par with where I am at in life - so in other words it's alright. I moved my psych appointment yesterday to next week because I don't feel like I need to see the psych at this point.

It is hard to believe the progress I made since I first posted on here. But there you have it.

It's just the way things panned out I guess.

At the moment it is hard, but I have some endurance in me after all my stuff I've gone through.

Onwards and upwards I guess

james1 · ‎25-01-2019

hey mitch,

Yeah there's been such an improvement from when you first came on. And the great thing is that I don't feel like you've had to change yourself in any drastic way. A lot of it is, as you say, an endurance/resilience and perhaps a new perspective.

It's great to see.

Good luck looking for work in the UK. Perhaps you'll like it enough to stay there for a while, lol. I have a bunch of friends who moved there for work and are still there a few years later!

James

HamSolo01 · ‎04-02-2019

Hey all.

I have to share something.

I am reconsidering my trip overseas. I have my visa processing atthe moment.

But I am feeling very overwhelmed with all of this. I need to post here because I need a bit advice from some who don't know too much about it all.

I think sometimes I can create an impression with people that things are okay and alright yet they aren't. I'm worried this has happened again with my trip and plans for 2019.

As it stands I am meant to go overseas in three weeks for the remainder of the course. This involves working and living in a new country. I am intimated by this tbh.

Although I overcame a number of barriers last year by travelling solo. Thus is quite different.

I'm not 100% on what to do

HamSolo01 · ‎05-02-2019

Is anyone here???

james1 · ‎06-02-2019

hey mitch,

I think it's quite normal to feel intimidated by big life changes like this. After all, there's a lot of things that will feel really different and difficult, and we may worry that we aren't equipped to deal with it.

Still, it's often in hindsight that we see we are more capable than we think...only for another challenge to pop up and cause us to forget just how far we've come. The trick is to recognise this and remember that, actually, you've been here before. In your previous messages, you've felt like you were creating an impression with everyone that everything was okay, then you found a way through and felt okay. Worrying is a totally normal thing, but its important to not let it stop you from doing things that you want to do.

So I guess the question I have is: you've said this feels different. Do you mind elaborating on that? What is different compared to before and what makes this less manageable than before?

You've been through a lot in terms of your mental health, yet you're still here living your life and thinking about your future. If nothing else, I think that speaks volumes about your ability to get through with life's challenges.

James