I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hi thread

It's been about a month since I was on here.

Thought I'd post an update for where I am at.

I have accepted an offer to go to Poland next year for a course in diplomacy/skills at a place linked with the EU. It goes for 6 months starting in December.

It was kind of a lucky break because at the time I applied I was tossing up what I should do for my career. It's not a bulletproof solution but it's a step in the right direction. It means I won't have to go to China now which is what I wanted to avoid. The issue of course was that I had to find an alternative. Fortunately I have now.

I'm heading over to the US in late November and then moving on to Poland. Then back home for Christmas. Then back over there in the new year.

I will hopefully be using my TESOL to work while I am there. There is demand for English teachers but it's just a case of finding somewhere. The hiring season is not on at the moment. So it's causing me a bit of angst. Navigating the bureaucracy of Poland AND the EU is great fun lol...

As for my mental health? Not too bad. Just angst caused by the sudden change in circumstances and what's happening next year.

I think it will be good to instigate a big change like this. I am getting bored with life here and stuff that's going on. I value my friends and family but I think it is important for my own personal development that I can go overseas and live/work. While also pursuing a goal for a career in international affairs. One step closer to the better aim is always a good thing I think

I think I have matured a lot and I really stopped caring about some of the stupid things I was worrying about. But they were products of time and circumstances. Like most worries and concerns I guess

[HamSolo01]

All of a sudden everything goes. I end up where I was and nothing matters anymore.

I was just sat there and I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die. To just leave all of this.

Whats even scarier is that I just dont care. It's selfish I know. But it is how it is. I want to reset. I want to go to a period of time where I've never been. I want to leave this place and not return.

I can't handle it. It's too much...

[Sophie_M]

Hi HamSolo01

We're writing as we are concerned about you and want to let you know that our Support Service have sent you an email wanting to get in touch.

It's great that you have come to our safe and supportive community and we are so grateful that you have. The communtiy are here for you, please know that things can get better. 

We would strongly recommend giving our wonderful friends at Lifeline a call - 13 11 14, they can talk to you and help you through difficult moments. 

Keep reaching out to us and letting us know how you are when you feel up to it. 

[smallwolf]

HamSolo01,

From your post on Oct 31, everything was looking OK. Did something happen between then and now? I just want you to know that even in this virtual space I am here with you. Maybe, remind you of the good work you did with Azzdog also. That was the thread/story where I "met" you. You are a good person. Just as you helped others, now it is time we supported you. Let us help up, uphold you, give you strength to make it through this time. And if that is not enough, then as Sophie suggested... calling lifeline on 13 11 44.

And in the meantime, let me sit in the silence next to you,

Tim

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

It sounds like you are really struggling right now, so I just wanted to let you know that we are here to listen if you'd like to tell us what is happening.

Hopefully, as these things often do, this is a temporary feeling. But either way, just letting you know that we are here.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey thread

I owe you a bit of an explanation about last weekend. Sorry about that. I can imagine it must've been quite a shock to go from where I was to where I ended up when I posted that.

I was out at a 21st on Saturday night and during the course of that evening I was overcome with anxiety and depression. It felt like I was truly isolated and alone. Looking around at the place, people enjoying themselves and having good times. I genuinely felt the opposite. It was like I all of a sudden became detached from everything around me. I was overwhelmingly depressed. I was content with it all just going to mist there and then. Sometimes this can happen. I even considered going to the hospital. But I didn't. I just left. I witnessed an assault on the train on the way home and tried to help. So it was even weirder going from feeling completely lost and isolated in my mind and emotions to witnessing a pretty serious event.

I was just overcome with exhaustion and emotion. IT was like it all caught up with me. I felt lonely, gross, unattractive etc. Pretty much everything I posted on the first post I made on this forums site. Everything in that first post is what I felt at once.

I think everything just caught up with me. for the most part I'm past it. I was feeling pretty average too on Sunday so I took a nap in the afternoon for a good 2 hours and that reset my clock which I think I needed at that point.

It's just very hard trying to navigate stuff for my year next year. In good time I suppose it will work out. IT's just very vague at this point

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

Thanks for updating us. It sure sounds like that was a very difficult night for you, but as you say, it was a temporary thing which you have done well to move on from. Maybe this has already occurred to you, but I thought I'd just offer a bit of a congratulations too - a year ago, even maybe 6 months ago, a very tough night like that may have taken a lot longer to process, but you've done really well to find a way to reset.

It does sound like your future maybe feels a bit hazy and vague, and that can be really challenging. Hopefully some of that can be sorted while you're there. What is troubling you in particular? Is it the work opportunities after your 6 month placement?

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey James

Thanks heaps for replying buddy.

Yeah I think you are right about the fact that a year or even six months back this sort of episode would've knocked me out for longer. I think two things prevented that from happening - my therapy and also changes in my circumstances.

The thing troubling me in particular isn't the opportunity after the 6 month stint. It's actually what I will be doing when I am there during the course. Where I will live, work and all these things. Seeing as the course is not tertiary study I need to find a place to live and also a job too. But hopefully something comes up soon. I am doing as much as I can with it.

Parents are helping me and they seem more optimistic than I do..

Today I am submitting a witness report. I witnessed a pretty serious thing the other day and reported it. But they wanted me to submit a testimony statement so I'm off to do that today. Kind of nervous but also not so much.. I knew what I saw so it's not like I'm lying or anything.

Either way. That's where I am at right now.

Caught between feeling excited and feeling nervous

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I saw your post and I thought I'd jump on here since you've offered a lot of support to my forum. 🙂

I hate to change topic on what has been said. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and I am hesitant to respond here if I diminish anything you say. So I'm sorry if it appears that way.

I wanted to know where you stand on the relationship side of things? I mean, where is your mindset on the issue right now? I have read some of your posts on this forum here and its amazing just how similar our experiences have been. It shows that there are others out there like us who feel the way we do. It's just the narrative in society that makes us think like we have wasted our lives doing sweet fa.

Happy birthday for turning 25. I am pretty late I know but I feel I should say something regardless. About feeling like you have wasted your life? I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm 24, turning 25 next August, and I feel so pathetic about how I've barely had any experiences worth telling about. You already know about my lack of a sex life but it is seriously getting me down lately. I know people I've been to school with who have already gotten married and I haven't had a relationship yet. I feel like I've wasted my life doing nothing and It's gotten me stuck at the moment.

I guess I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone on this issue. It sucks so much but you do have plans in place to change that. Going to Poland on a 6 month placement would be a life changing experience no doubt. Perhaps it will give you the fulfilment in life you need? I would love to do something like to be honest.

I'm sorry if I looked over anything that you've said recently but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm in a similar position right now. I feel stuck and that I've wasted years of my life. We will push through this together.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog.

Nice to see you here.

I'm hhappy replying to the stuff you are talking about. Totally fine.

Two things struck out to me in what you just wrote. I think they sum up what is going on rather well:

"It's just the narrative in society that makes us think like we have wasted our lives doing sweet fa."

Also this one:

"feel so pathetic about how I've barely had any experiences worth telling about."

I guess my reply to both of these is to recall that it is a narrative. Just a narrative. That's all it is. It's not an objective reality like gravity or evolution. Sometimes I find that I can get caught up in what I think others are thinking but then I remind myself I don't even know what they are thinking. They might think I'm a pathetic loser.. They might not... Either way i don't care. This of course means that I am also impervious to compliments and attempts to build up my ego from other people. If someone says I am good with women (which is strongly contest lol.. I'm really good at the friend zone haha) then I don't take it either as a compliment or criticism (in case I react negatively to the compliment... Which can happen)

I think all that highlights how shallow people can be. I guess I don't really value those sorts of compliments. Case in point, I ran into someone from high school a few months and they said I looked good. Initially I was kind of happy about that, but then I caught it out. What if I had looked worse? Would they have said that? No.

I suppose what I'm saying is that compliments and criticisms over physical appearance are boring to me. I care more about genuine, true connection between friends. Friendships are not built on that basis.

I think the answer to your question is that I tune out from the crap. In every way. When I can't tune out from it, I just make light of it. It's striking to me that a lot of people who we'd consider attractive or good looking don't actually care overly much about their appearance. They are focused too heavily on how to improve themselves and how to make their way in the world. As I write this I just finished at the gym and the girls working there said hi to me as I walked in. I was initially kind of happy about that lol... But then I realised they say hi to everyone... Like that is part of their contract. Lol.. Bringing myself back down.

I've got a bit more to say too so next post coming up