I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hey James.

Building lifestyle that works for us is good. I think the test I have been facing lately is whether or not I can set certain goals 'because' of my mental health or 'despite' my mental health.

You know it's funny because today I recently changed my Facebook picture and people were saying I looked good. People joke about my looks. It's hard to tell if they are serious or not because I was teased when I was young and so sometimes it just brings it back. I second guess it all. Bullying is the worst yeah?

I honestly don't see it and it's simply because of the years of being in the loop of ill mental health. The other thing is that people just don't know the inside battle that rages on in my mind. The work I've been doing with my psych has definitely helped lately. Been reading well too. Really want to sharpen my mind, my reading ability and my writing ability.

I am heading to Fiji in July with a projects venture. For a month. It's like aid work but a bit more involved.

I'm currently working towards getting a full time job so I can move out. Can't til after July lol but fair trade off I think.

[james1]

hey mitch,

Because of/Despite mental health...not sure. When I was really bad, everything seemed to centre around my mental health. Days were bad because of my mental health. Good days were amazing despite my mental health. Nothing ever felt normal because everything carried the "mental health" tag.

At some point, this stopped. It wasn't that I wasn't struggling or that I didn't care about my mental health, it just seemed like I started focussing on my life and how that could improve my mental health, rather than fixing my mental health to improve my life. Just a massive weight off to be honest.

So yeah, I get what you mean about how that can come up a lot. I imagine being complimented about your looks would also get those questions firing too, just to add to the thoughts you have from when you were bullied.

but hey, you're doing a lot of things to improve your life right now - psych, job, work, Fiji. That's awesome stuff.

I have a friend who is 26 like me and he's not even thinking about moving out. He's also had pretty bad luck with the ladies, and working in a job he doesn't like. So he's definitely not where he wants to be in life, but he's applying to go on a tv show and catching up with friends when he can. I dunno. I guess what I'm trying to say with this story about my friend is that people usually aren't where they want to be, and it's really just about making the most of it.

btw, I think you'd enjoy reading an article i read the other day. You might be able to google it. it was about changing images of men and masculinity, and research done by looking at the most viewed stock images. google The old school image of Aussie males is now out

[HamSolo01]

Afternoon thread

I was posting in the Isolation for Men thread that popped up recently and thought I'd jump on here for a bit of an update.

I have been relatively okay. Today I'm pretty crap though. I'm trying to come to terms with the relationships stuff. I've joined those sites and apps and have been chatting to some girls but then things never eventuate. I think it's just the nature of the beast that is dating apps. I sometimes think I must appear competent, together and sophisticated and then when I tell them what I studied and what I plan on doing it is met with a bit of concern and bewilderment. Does that make sense? I present in one way, and end up being something different.

It's not like I'm lying about who I am. I guess it's just the nature of who I am vs the nature of dating apps.

Anyway.

Work is work. Hating it but I'm resilient enough to put up with it. I didn't do any shifts last week. Will probably do 2 or 3 this week. Need the dough. I've got the experience downpat. Time to move on but I can't seeing as I will be going away in July to Fiji on the projects venture. Not sure if i spoke about that on here?

My plan for life at this point is to do what I gotta do before I go away. Then go away. Come back and reassess where I'm at and what I can do with the experience and lessons I learn from my trip away. It's not a holiday after all. I'm treating it like work. That's more or less what it is anyway.

I think I will journal each day what I did. Just a paragraph or two. Both for sentimental value as well as being able to put it into a resume when I get back.

So yeah. Same old same old I guess. I've been going to meetups too which has been good. Particularly one for people my age group and I've met similar guys who have similar problems with Mental health and anxiety. That's been good.

I see my psych this week so I'll be raising some concerns I have about my time away with him and also about the relationships stuff.

Been listening to a lot of psychology lectures on personality and reading some good stuff which is helping a bit too.

Other than that, not sure what else to add haha.

[HamSolo01]

Well I kind of wish I had waited maybe 4 hours until I posted that update

I am now rescheduling Fiji due to my mental health

Thing is, I have realised the only way my mental health will improve is if my life improves. By focusing on finding better work suited to me, building up my social esteem (which still has growing to do despite the fact that I've improved) and getting finances in order. I think going overseas is too soon. Particularly now that it's going to be a pretty intense workload when I'm there (emotionally, physically and socially). I'm simply not at that stage yet.

Reassessing priorities and what needs doing is essential in all of this. This is what I did last year. Same lesson really.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Nothing wrong with reassessing priorities and giving yourself time. Fiji isn't going anywhere. When you are ready you will go.

I think I'm slowly learning the need to reassess your life is a neverending process. I think I'm doing well and then without fail will realise the ground I'm on is not as stable as I thought.

Reassessing is not failure... It's self preservation and care or whatever the buzz word is at the moment.

I like your posts on Tony's men isolated thread. Regardless of you reassessing yourself this time laat year you hadn't branched out on the forums. Progress. Good for you.

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Thanks Nat

I agree. The need to reassess is neverending. I'm glad to hear you are doing well enough. Keep it up!

Yeah I hadn't branched out. I think it's because I didn't really find much on there that I could relate to. The thread at the moment about men isolated is really good though. Hopefully more crop up that I can relate to as well soon.

My dating life is still non existant haha. But that's okay. I've been trying to make progress with it by joining some dating apps. So far I've matched and been able to chat at length, but it's kind of fallen by the way side a bit. Never really progresses despite my best intention and me asking her out but that's all part of the nature of the beast I suppose.

I might honestly duck over to the US for a 2 week stint now that Fiji won't be til later in the year. Before I do that though, I need to get a stable job happening maybe. At least there are some things on the horizon.

The trick will be making sure I don't fall out of the routine or the searching. Perseverance will be key for that.

Thanks for stopping by and looking forward to chatting to you a bit more on here now.

Mitch

[james1]

Hey Hamsolo,

It's nice to hear you found the men isolated thread useful to post on and that you could relate to it, but perhaps not relate to many of the other threads.

Is that because your primary issue is really around sex and relationships?

You've spoken about anxiety and work and finances and even body image, and all these things are not predominantly male things. I am asking because if that is what you want to talk about, it's certainly something I connect with even if my own experience has been more...fortuitous?

I am sensing a slight reluctance on your part to tell us more about how you feel regarding sex and relationships, or that perhaps you may be downplaying how much it is on your mind. Please tell me if I am wrong. I don't know whether it's right to focus on these things, but while the rest of your life seems to have been improving with the meetups and work and the trip you had planned, sex and dating seems to come back repeatedly. I don't really want to air my thoughts on the men isolated thread because, for me, it's a one on one talk and that thread feels more open.

Anyway, just thought I'd drop that offer to speak more candidly here if you want. I could be barking up a completely wrong tree though 🙂

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey James. Nice to hear from you mate. HOw are you?

I laughed at your use of the word fortuitous. This describes my experience as well I must admit.

When you said this, "I don't know whether it's right to focus on these things, but while the rest of your life seems to have been improving with the meetups and work and the trip you had planned, sex and dating seems to come back repeatedly." I think you are right.

You might be right about that I think. Whilst everything is slowly coming together, that part is still very vague and odd. A lot of this comes back to my experiences in the church and religious circles I was involved in whilst growing up. I think I've mentioned that a bit in the past. I've had to come to terms with it. I see my psych tomorrow and I might raise this whole issue with him actually.

I don't think it's my "primary issue" per se however. If anything, it's a symptom of a greater problem - acceptance of myself and self confidence in who I am as a young man. I think sex and relationships are just a part of my life in the way everything else is, I'm not sure it's healthy to think about one part of your life as a separate "thing" if that makes sense?

I think its the intimacy part that's more pressing at this point. Not so much the sex. I mean I wouldn't know lol but I do think it'd be hard to separate sex and intimacy for me on a personal level.

Good questions though James. Food for thought

Anything you could add haha?

[james1]

hey mitch,

I am well 🙂 just mega busy at work so I don't post nearly as much as I used to.

Yeah that makes sense to me about how sex and relationships are a big part, but not the primary issue.

I agree with you that acceptance of yourself is likely the wider problem. Is it that having an intimate relationship feels like it's necessary for you to accept yourself and have confidence? So even if you were to look at your entire life and realise that you've come so far in so many aspects, not having been in an intimate relationship just trumps all that?

I saw you posted about the "incel movement" in the men isolated thread. I find the group quite interesting even if I really dislike the sense of entitlement. But at the same time, I think the group does highlight not only how many young men feel about the importance of a sexual relationship, but how needing it and not having it can feel so emasculating.

So not to toss a spanner in the works, but I do think that talking about it can be helpful in a way, as long as we do it respectively which I don't think the "incels' do.

For example, a close mate of mine who is 25 had sex for the first time a couple of months ago. We have spoken a few times about sex even before his first time. I remember our chats before were centered mostly around attitude to sex and intimacy and that he really wanted to, but only with the 'right girl'. Even though we'd joke that with his non-existent relationship history it was going to be a long wait, I think those chats just helped him get it off his chest.

For me personally, sex almost scares me (I'm scared of passion) but I really crave intimacy. When I have been out of a relationship, I really struggle because I don't have that intimacy and I am reminded whereever I walk or go of other people's intimate relationships. I am also reminded of my own unfulfilled desires because I see people who I know I would not have a chance with. And once I'm on that tangent, it becomes a self-critique.

I think it is really hard and I don't really have a solution except to talk about it. The more we talk, the more we normalise our experience.

Sorry, I think I have just dumped some stuff on you. Obviously I feel quite strongly about this topic haha. I don't know if any of that is relateable!

James

[james1]

Oh also, I should probably note that I don't really want to talk about the incel group. I think all the issues with the group are pretty obvious to us and it is not a group I like. But issues aside, they are coming from both a sense of entitlement and hurt, and it's the hurt which I was talking about.