I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[james1]

hello mitch,

Thanks for your reply.

A new and different place sounds like things are moving along. Let us know how you go over time.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hi thread

I am just dropping in to say hi and give you a bit of an update again. Also just to process things as they come in.

The next couple of weeks will be about planning my 2018. Hopefully I can get some ground on where I want to go in life. I'm also on a steady dose of meds too so I'm hoping that keeps my depressive moods and anxiety in check.

Apart from that I have some shifts ahead at work too. Pretty basic life for now but maybe I need it to be this way.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

There's nothing wrong with keeping life simple and taking small steps to help yourself.

I find too that focusing on the basics is a good way to manage my dpression too.

It is easy to get lost in ideas of making dramatic changes and radically changing. But sometimes that makes things worse (feeling like a failure when it gets overwhelming is a good example).

Compared to your initial posts you sound a lot more relaxed which is good to see.

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you about blueVoices or reply to your recent posts. Things have gotten a bit overwhelming here too and I've resorted to my usual... Reply to new members and that's about it.

I hope you are feeling ok.

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

It's good to hear from you.

Basic is good. It's manageable and it gives you time and space to deal with troubles as they arise.

Personally, I don't do much planning for the year. I find it puts too much stress on me, but it sounds like you want to have a bit more structure.

I have a friend who's always got a 12-month outlook - what does he want to change in the next 12 months?

I think it's good for him to have that because he does so many things and has so many interests, he can get a bit unfocussed and he's very output driven. That kind of life is not for me, but I think even he tries to be a bit more flexible by having it as a constant 12 month outlook rather than a 2018 outlook. So there are never end-goals, only things to get better at.

Have you heard of systems vs goals?

James

[james1]

Sorry, I should probably clarify that I am not suggesting you change what you are doing at all! You've come a long way since you joined us initially. It just occurred to me that some of the things you were talking about were things I was talking about to the friend I mentioned.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Nat

Nice to hear from you. I briefly checked up on your personal thread to see how you were. Totally understand where you are coming from in relation to bluevoices. I've been somewhat all over the shop so best not to try to help others I would say. But all good.

I think radical changes would never have worked on anyone. I'd they did then all therapists would be radically changing people lol. Putting themselves out of work.

Yeah I feel more relaxed because things are a tad more ordered atm. Have work. Have volunteering capacity. Have a few things planned later in the year. So I do feel better about myself. Hence I feel more relaxed I guess?

Was talking to mum about it lately and I said I nearly had a relapse by going to hospital. I said that things are a bit better than what they were but there is still room to improve. Ideally I want to be in a place where there are more things that could be worse than things that could be better. Going back to hospital a month ago now actually reset my system a hell of a lot.

Take care Nat

- Mitch

[HamSolo01]

Hey James

Basic indeed 🙂

Yeah you are right about more structure. I just need a bit of it and I think I will be happier/better off. It takes time though. Like most of this 'life stuff'

No end goals just things to get better at? Good point.

And yep all good. I knew what you meant haha

Take care

[james1]

Hello mitch,

Yeah I just found the whole idea of systems vs goals really interesting. Obviously it's not a straight, "systems are always better" answer, but certainly when it came to mental health I thought that would generally lend itself better to a system approach.

How to be mentally healthy vs get mentally healthy in 1 year.

Goals certainly didn't work for me, whereas developing healthy habits - not being impulsive, not being restrictive, not being too hard on myself, not allowing myself to overthink - just eliminating bad habits essentially, really helped. It meant there was never a "milestone" where I wasn't depressed anymore, no occasion to celebrate, except for the fact that I suddenly realised I was pretty happy.

I dunno. I guess it was just something interesting that I'd never really read about or thought about before, but it somehow applied to my own journey. Guess I'm hoping that some of the healthy habits you're working on too will help you in the same way.

[HamSolo01]

hey James

well said

"Goals certainly didn't work for me, whereas developing healthy habits -
not being impulsive, not being restrictive, not being too hard on
myself, not allowing myself to overthink - just eliminating bad habits
essentially, really helped."

I agree. I think these are important things to focus on. I have been doing a bit of that too and it definitely helps.

I think this is something I actually want to focus on in the next couple of months before I go overseas in July.

Thanks for the insight 🙂

Hope you have a good day today

[james1]

Hello mitch,

Yes, I've definitely seen that you've tried to put some more healthy habits in there like being more open with those close to you, signing up to the meet ups, applying for jobs to help bring in some money and fill the time.

Those are only some of the things, and it's really good to hear that you'd like to keep trying to rebuild a lifestyle that works for you.

There've been a few set backs, but it's all part of learning what works and what doesn't.

Sorry, you may have mentioned before - where are you going in July? Is it a holiday?

James