I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hey Nat

Yeah I do feel calm. On top of it somehow. Today I feel pretty bad. Only just woke up. I am trying to wake up earlier but i think my meds make me extra tired and therefore end up keeping me asleep for longer. I think I will set an alarm earlier in the day.

Flat.. Calm.. Idk lol. Whatever it is I guess it is working somewhat.

My new psych has definitely helped me yes. Work has a bit - mainly because it means I get money and experience. I actually already hate the job because it is a student level one and I'm technically finished. For some reason uni is taking FOREVER to give my final marks out. Silly. Nothing I can do but wait unfortunately.

That's a good plan I think Nat - finding posts that you can reply to and log off without it effecting you too much. Wise move.

It was exhausting to use multiple forums I thought too. This is why I ended up giving it a rest on here. But I'm interested in reading up on other's experience and seeing what works for me and what i can say to others on here that may help them.

thanks again Nat 🙂

btw is your profile photo a fox?

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

I have a lot of respect for this...

But I'm interested in reading up on other's experience and seeing what works for me and what i can say to others on here that may help them.

I find part of my frustration with my mental illness is the cycle. Feel good, progress, self care, slide downhill, self care, progress, feel good again. The constant repetition gets to me.

So I write. Many of the CCs don't have a thread they use (I do) but now I spend more time helping where I can than waiting and worrying about me. When I need to I use my thread and others help me. But the balance is I feel safe and useful here. Even now when I'm low I can reply and it helps me feel good about myself. I just have to be careful.

So for you to feel ready to reach out to others I think is great. I've already told you before reading previous replies you don't give yourself enough credit for what you have to give others. Also have you looked into BlueVoices? I'm volunteering for a study at the moment. There are lots of ways to be involved.

That said... No pressure in the slightest ok. You need to do what helps you. And right now if you're struggling it is ok to focus on what you need.

Regardless of if you like your job it is experience. Use it to get where you want to be. It doesn't have to be forever just a stepping stone. This is just your start it will change.

Haha sorry I find it amusing that you have written to me for so long and only now saw the fox 😊. Foxes are special to me.

Anyway I had better go wake Miss 3 to go do the 30 min drive to school pick up. Bleh. Can't wait for this house to sell I live in the car lately.

Be gentle to you today. The low/flat/meh feeling will pass you know it.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry for my delay in replying to you, I haven't been on the forums the past few days since you posted and just caught up now, Quercus of course has been replying back as per usual, she is great.

It sounds like you're doing much better that the post where you said you checked back into hospital. Minor set backs are ok, you just need to keep reminding yourself of that. I do hope you can stick around these forums more and continue to post. We enjoy having you here.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

What is blue voices Quercus? I can see that you have a badge above your profile pic.

And yes, what you said here:

I find part of my frustration with my mental illness is the cycle.

Totally agree with you on this one.I also think this is something that characterises the mental health itself too. It's a "monster that eats its own crap" as I like to say.

I brought my psych appointment forward this evening so that should help. I've also been accepted into a social anxiety group therapy which is good. Starts next week.

I also thought of getting back in touch with the mental health charity i was briefly involved with in the past. But I think in order to help others, we need to be in a stable position ourselves. Yoda was only able to give Luke Skywalker advice on being a JEdi after spending time in isolation on Dagobah. Sorry, but I had to throw that archetype in there 😛

"Regardless of if you like your job it is experience. Use it to get where you want to be. It doesn't have to be forever just a stepping stone. This is just your start it will change."

Very much so. The trick I think is remembering this fact. It's the hardest thing to remember.

Yeah I didn't know exactly what it was. Thought it was a dingo. I've been associating it with you since I started on here so it's great to know it is actually a fox haha.

Thanks again and take care 🙂

[HamSolo01]

thanks Jay

Nice to "see" you again

thanks for what you said and I totally agree with you about minor setbacks

I needed to take a break from two forums at once. I even took a break from all of them while i sorted some stuff out

I treat them as a kind of journal I think

Either way, thanks for getting in touch 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

That's ok, I think balancing between the two forums is good and just using one is fine too. It is finding the balance that works for you. What is important is that you know you are always welcome here and we will always be up for a chat.

It sounds like you're doing so much better and that is great.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch and Jay,

I'll reply when I can about blue voices Mitch but basically it is a reference group for BB. They run a lot of activities memvers can participate in to share their lived experience.

Jay I know you haven't been doing so well recently and I will get to your thread asap but I'm kinda losing the plot of late. Thank goodness for CMF looking out for both of us huh.

Right well I'm a bit useless today so I'm logging off again. Far out this has to pass eventually.

Hope you are feeling a little better within yourself Mitch (and you Jay).

❤nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey Thread

Well I was going to post on here about where things are at and what I've been up to, however I have to say that it's a year today since I joined here. Wow. Coincidence much? There you go lol.

I guess a review of where I'm up to now is in order. Well firstly, I have completed my course. Finally. Thank god. Received my completion letter recently and I'm very happy about having completed a BA course at University. Way back when I was completing my HSC I didn't know if I would ever be able to complete a course at a good university. I'm glad I pushed myself and as a result I have finished a course at a very decent university. Admittedly, my final marks and average were not great. My summer class brought me down a fair few marks into pass average. Initially I was on track to get credit average. That's life I suppose.

I read my first ever post just now and say I've ticked off my "first kiss" too lol. Currently trying to meet with a girl I met through tinder (even though I hate it because it's so shallow) but I feel like we might connect on our mutual dissatisfaction with things but hey, it is what it is right?

I'm part of a collective/network that is looking at fixing disability impairment and also helping students. So far we've got a presence on social media and I'm looking to start up a publication.

Other than that, I have a job at the uni (even though I'm finished there) in the alumni services. It pays well enough and is better than nothing. Easy hours and dress code. I don't want to be there forever (Already sick of it tbh) but it's giving some good experiences in dealing with people and allowing me to craft my voice and speaking ability. Speaking of which, I want to get involved with that mental health charity too. The one I've mentioned in the past because I believe I'm in a far better place now.

I recently signed up for a social anxiety group therapy but held back because it was making me worse. I had a trip to hospital in early April, late March which I can't recall if I mentioned on here. But overall it helped me reset.

I'm off to Fiji in July with a project venture company to do aid type work so that's going to be great as well. Planning on spending a few days there afterwards too.

Trying to get a routine with the gym going again but overall I'm in a better place.

Having said all of that there newer TOUGHER challenges atm but I feel I can balance them better. More on that later.

Hope you are all managing well enough!

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

It's great to see you here again and thank you for updating us.

Congratulations on the things you've done and woop! for the first kiss too! Man, I just remember I was over the moon when I had mine, but I also had a sore front few teeth from banging teeth hahaha.

Congratulations as well on completing you BA. I was doing a Bachelor of Arts as well and I loved it. I wasn't very good and didn't finish, but it was great. Good on you!

It sounds like there's still a few things that are on your mind but you can tell us when you feel comfortable to do so. Otherwise, it's just nice to hear from you again and I'm glad to hear you are trying to celebrate what I think are some wonderful achievements. Like you say, looking back a year ago, things have changed quite a lot for you and it sounds like you've made some really positive steps.

It may feel sometimes like things have stagnated, but we're here for the long haul, and you've certainly done a lot of great things in the last year.

James

[HamSolo01]

Thanks James

Appreciate your kind words. Means a lot.

I think I'm at a new place these days. Certainly not perfect or anything but different. A new set of challenges in other words.

Onwards and upwards