I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01 · ‎17-04-2017

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

Quercus · ‎23-05-2017

Hey HamSolo01,

Just wanted to check how you were feeling today. Are you alright?

HamSolo01 · ‎23-05-2017

Hey

thanks for checking by

today was okay. Had a pretty sh*i*t moment today at uni but managed to get through, ran into someone i knew by chance which was nice.

Saw my psychiatrist today. Basically. CBT all the way. That's what I must work on. All the stuff in my mind comes from that by and large - even though i take meds, the majority of it all comes from my thought patterns etc.

Anyways. Gotta go eat my tea.

Thanks again 🙂

Quercus · ‎24-05-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

No worries that's what we're here for hey.

Glad you had a better day. Even with the down moments you've just kept going. Good for you 😊 (nope no sarcasm just genuinely pleased).

I know the CBT has some good research etc behind it and works but I think I'm still a bit lost for making it work for me. I suppose because I'm dealing with a different set of problems as you (well excepting the self esteem). Maybe search the forums there might be some good ideas to help you.

Anyways hopefully tomorrow is a better day again. And new psych soon to look forward to and a female perspective.

Take care 😊

james1 · ‎24-05-2017

Hello, CBT is tough and it's not a catch-all therapy, but it does work for people. I had to stop parts of it because it just wasn't doing anything for me, but it worked for a friend of mine.

It's good to hear you're still pushing on. Your mental health is certainly worth the effort!

James

HamSolo01 · ‎24-05-2017

Hey

Once again, thanks for checking by 🙂

My psychiatrist was saying CBT will help so long as its intense and im honest. Be a totally open book. That's essentially why I'm there. I'm sick of the feel good type therapy that tries to focus on positivity. It has the potential to make me feel worse I find. Only when im honest and when I really deal with the stuff buried way down deep can it truly have an effect. Time to start digging i guess hey?

Today was average. Again.

A lot of that relationship crap is churning up too... hopefully i can talk that over with the new psych too.

I agree james1, my mental health certainly is worth the effort. I tend to think that the mind is the strongest muscle we have in our body and we must take good care of it. It effects the rest of ourselves in a profound way.

Quercus · ‎25-05-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

How are you today?

I found what you wrote really helpful...

I'm sick of the feel good type therapy that tries to focus on positivity. It has the potential to make me feel worse I find. Only when im honest and when I really deal with the stuff buried way down deep can it truly have an effect.

You have a point. The positivity stuff helps until I hit a low patch and then when I can't hold onto the positive thinking I'm right back at square one. I think that's what appeals to me about psychotherapy the fact it's supposed to look at why you feel and act the way you do based on the past and deep buried feelings. I'm not sure how it's supposed to fix anything but it seems to be doing more good for me than CBT ever did.

You mentioned the relationship stuff keeps bothering you. Why do you think that is? Do you doubt your ability to meet someone? Do you feel unworthy of someone finding you appealing or interesting? Do you sabotage your own chances of meeting someone?

I'm just throwing out questions you don't have to answer at all. Just food for thought.

Thinking of you and hoping your day is better than average.

james1 · ‎25-05-2017

Aha your comment about the feel good type therapy made me remember something funny. There is an online blog called hyperbole and a half and there is a post called depression part 2 which rants about that. It's hilarious. I think you'd enjoy it.

Quercus had some good questions to mull over and even talk about with your psychologist. A lot of these things we don't know, but in talking to someone else about it, either you or they will 'reveal' thoughts and feelings which are just so unconscious, you don't notice them. It's that kind of questioning that can lead to some helpful but hard self-discovery - information which you can work on 🙂

I do like talking to you. You sound like you're really giving this a real go and I did want to just say we're noticing the hard work you're putting in to not only just cope, but take proactive steps with your psych and just to think about yourself.

James

HamSolo01 · ‎25-05-2017

Hey

Today has been very polar opposite. Good and bad.

CBT is something I've never really given much attention to it seems. My psych I'm too philosophical for psychotherapy lol. Either way all of it helps, we all have different ways of fixing ourselves in the end. The beast is the same but we must fight with it differently

Those are really good questions and I'll definitely be bringing them up with the new psych. She will have the notes from my psychiatrist as well so that's good - more info. Kinda like a dating profile for mental health. (I'm sure that exists somewhere haha). To be honest I really don't know why it keeps coming up. But the only way to deal with it from here on in is to talk it over with my new psych and go from there. That's were progress lies and it's really up to me to focus on doing that. It won't be easy but it'll be helpful.

Bit of news on the uni front - decided to reduce study load to part time after chatting with folks. Figured that I would be putting myself in a tremendously stressful situation by finishing mid-year then having very little to go off or do. By reducing it to part time I now finish at the end of the year but in the mean time I'm going to start looking for something that pays. Figured balance is the key really. Plus if I did go traveling after my degree I think I would've been worrying too much about what I would do when I got back to enjoy it you know? Didn't want that hanging over my head and instigating more worry - what I deal with is enough to deal with.

Was a good conversation with the folks - came home upset and annoyed but then was able to figure it out. As I write this I should be at spanish class but I'm here at home writing this up because I had a good chat to my folks about what was going down. Really good decision - silver linings I guess.

Must admit I feel a lot better now because of making that change to my studies. Gives me time to network a bit, establish more money and also take better care of my mental health. Winning all around.

But tomorrow with the new psych will be good too.

Such is the journey of mental health I guess?

Also, where do I find that blog? sounds like my type of thing haha

Quercus · ‎26-05-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

Great news! I like the idea of finding work before you graduate it would take a lot of pressure and stress off you I think. Overall having a good chat with your family seems to have helped you. They've really come up with some good ideas that can help you. That is great to hear.

Maybe you can ask about volunteer work in your field with a few employers. At least then if you apply later they know you and you might find the interviews etc less stressful.

Good luck with the psych today! I really hope you can get better support. I like how she has your notes from the psychiatrist. Hopefully that means skipping all the initial introduce yourself stuff so you can get down to discussing what's really worrying you.

Anyway hope to hear it all goes well. Take care of yourself 😊

BballJ · ‎28-05-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

Apologies for my delay in response, I haven't been on the forums for a while. I just wanted to see how everything is going - Quercus is doing an outstanding job talking to you and checking on you.

I read your last post from a couple of days ago and the positivity is shining through. How the last few days been? I like your decision to make Uni part time as well. You said it best, balance is the key and it seems you are finding that balance with everything from talking to your parents, to going to your psych, to reducing uni work load and finding a job. Keeping very busy which is great for mental health sufferers like us.

My best,

Jay