I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

I like what you said. It's helped a lot. I think it was good to hear from someone close in age to me who has been there before 🙂

The trick is to keep on keeping on. At the end of the day that is the best advice anyone can ever give. Thanks 🙂

[HamSolo01]

Hey.

Apology accepted. I owe you one too.

Firstly i should clarify myself. By making suggestions like car trips and holidays etc. what it does is make me feel worse. These sorts of things cost money. Money which I don't have. My financial situation is very lacking. My social one is too. All I'm simply asking is that you take this into consideration before making suggestions (granted, i dont think i clarified those points in my previous response so i should make that clearer in future)

Sorry to hear you were abused. If what I've said has brought it up then i do apologise. Sometimes I lash out at the wrong people. You're clearly helping me though and you have given some good pointers earlier. Depression is the worst. Again sorry. I think we can move past it though.

I really do appreciate your thoughts. All I'm saying is that sometimes things are impractical and not possible. That's got nothing to do with my attitude and mood. Me going on a car trip with friends is not gonna happen. That's a fact. I think the reason I get annoyed when people like you try your best to help with certain suggestions is because I agree that they are good BUT then I realise that they are not plausible. I agree, car trip would be great but it's another thing that can't happen. THAT's what upsets me. Again, I do appreciate it but I need to make it clear that these types of things won't help when they can't happen. It's a bit like my nose gets rubbed in the dirt. Please don't feel bad about doing that, technically i should be more clear next time and that's my fault. But i need to make it clear that certain things just won't happen. Being reminded of that makes it harder. It comes across as slightly condescending too.

What made you feel threatened by me saying that "i may not come back here?" (so i know for the future)

I saw my psych 2 days ago and tbh i feel like it was a waste of time. If i had a dollar for everytime he talks about his own experience i think ill start a riot lol. Was meant to see my psychiatrist on ANZAC Day but they were closed.. despite the fact they gave me an appointment. But then i think that its best to stay there because i hate changing around everything. The mental health system is stupid. Ive had to change gp's 4 times in 3 years because they "move on." But that's life i guess. The psychologist and gp are free, bulk billed you see. Psychiatrist is rebate. (Again with the costs). I take meds for anxiety too.

Anyhow. I'll leave it there.

Peace.

[HamSolo01]

I dont believe what i said earlier was directed at you anyway. It was directed at someone else. Still you made those original ideas so its still appropriate for me to apologise to you. Nevertheless the same apology goes to them too 🙂

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo,

Thank you for coming back to reply and for your apology. I appreciate it.

Yeah depression sucks big time. We're all human eh with our triggers noone else knows but ourselves. It's hard to know especially online if our words will help or hurt especially with limited information about who we are talking to...we can only just try muddle through.

I'm struggling a lot today so I won't be online till I'm stable ok. Just need to get my head sorted and only a few more days to my psychiatrist appmt so I'll be fine.

Please know it's not your fault though. I'll be back to nagging you to take care of yourself again soon... Just need to take my own advice now. Called in sick and waiting to go to sleep.

Take care and I'm sorry to pile this on you too.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I do see your reply may have been directed at me, and I apologise if I was making irrational suggestions to you, I only know what you have told us on these forums and I can only make general suggestions based on that (which I know you said above in your reply to Quercus, my advice is just based on my experiences or things I have seen help other people on these forums, that's all, but I understand what you are saying and again I apologise if I upset you.

I'm always here to talk and offer my support.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

How have you been holding up?

I saw elsewhere that you were looking into group therapy? Have you started that? I found my psychologist hard work too. She would talk about her problems and I'd end up going home worrying about her too. I just see the psychiatrist now instead. But I'd like to know about the group therapy if you decide to go.

I'm feeling ok now so I can explain why I felt threatened.

I carry a lot of guilt for choosing to leave an abusive relationship. Basically it got to a point where I knew I had to leave or I was going to end my life. But whenever I tried to approach the topic he said he would hurt himself. So I spent a long time treading on eggshells. Considering every word. Trying not to offend. And trying to hold on. In the end he hurt me in a way I couldn't forgive and I realised I hated him. I didn't care if he hurt himself. So I left. He was fine, it was just another technique of emotional blackmail.

But I struggle with the guilt of choosing my life over another persons. Ultimatums (even unintentional ones) are a huge trigger for me. So I freaked out.

Moving on. How do you think we can help you? I like to keep things positive and aim high. I know some things are unrealistic but it helps me to keep a hopeful mindset and to look for something similar that is achievable for me. For example taking a holiday is out of reach for me but I can make plans to see a friend. I can go for a new bush walk. The hard part for me is inspiring myself to actually DO something. To leave the house. That works for me. But it doesn't seem to work for you so I have a few questions for you.

You know yourself. What do you need from this thread? What can we do to help you feel better?

I hope you feel able to respond and have had a good weekend.

Hijacking your thread for a moment... (Sorry HamSolo01) 😊

Hi Jay! I find your comments really helpful (have seen them around the forum) but I can't find your thread. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks.

[HamSolo01]

cheers man, appreciate it 🙂

[HamSolo01]

Yeah... therapy is for me... not the damn psychologist right? Far out... I'm just sick of having to switch about and find new psychologists... Then you gotta get your Plan updated... book in to see a new one... Bloody stupid.I'm off to my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm gonna be just as honest there too. So much of the stuff I posted about originally (the relationships stuff) is clouding my view on myself. Want to ask the psychiatrist how or why it's happening. Should be interesting.

Anyways. Group therapy is on notice. Hasn't got an official day yet, but they have my details. Looking forward to it actually. I'm just worried I will bring the group down to my level lol.

I see. Sorry to hear that you went through all of that stuff. It sounds horrid. Glad to hear you got out of there though. The whole "trying not to offend" thing usually never works. People will always be offended. I think it's just a case of finding out what one wants or thinks and sticking to it. Be willing to be wrong, but still have something to stick to. Threats of self harm as revenge are the worst. Reminds me of a friend I had in high school who I basically moved on from. Haven't looked back since. Sadly there have been too many of them lately... Maybe that's why I have a tendency to shut people out hey?

In answer to "What do you need from this thread? What can we do to help you feel better?"

I guess a soundboard. There's only so much help you can get from the professionals. From meds. From eating right. From exercise. From philosophy. I think what I need here is just advice and suggestions. Thing is I'm naturally apprehensive to take things as they are.. That's just how my mind works. What I really should start doing is applying that skeptical mind in a way that actaully boosts my wellbeing. So that would involved being skeptical of bad, negative thoughts in the mind about how I've failed etc and I'm only 23. All the stuff I've been speaking of really.

But by all means, keep suggesting things. Your advice of "keeping a hopeful mindset and setting things that are achievable" is good. That's what I'm trying to do. Lately I've spoken to a few people about my mental health - was just honest with them about how things were. Both good responses. The problem is that the onus is on me to speak to them when things do go south. THAT's the real challenge. It's one thing to tell someone you have mental health episodes, but another thing entirely to speak up when it gets bad.

Til next time 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi again,

I like how you talked about being honest. It's amazing how liberating that is. I'm grateful to be alive so it doesn't bother me anymore to just answer the questions openly. It has been helpful. I'm finding the more honest I am the better my GP and psychiatrist are able to help me. I hope you can let us know how that technique works after you see your psychiatrist.

I think it will be good for you to talk to the psychiatrist about your anxiety about relationships. Especially about the way this is impacting on how you feel about yourself.

You seem so very worried about the fact that you haven't had a relationship. What do you think is normal? Do you think your situation is abnormal? I can tell you it's not.

I know plenty of people who took time to find a relationship and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Some wanted to wait till marriage, some were socially anxious and needed to be comfortable, some were embarrassed about their inexperience. But they are all lovely and completely normal people.

I'm not trying to minimise how you feel or be condescending. I'm just saying there is more to us as people than the relationships we've experienced.

I get a bit emotional there... I wish I wasn't in such a hurry to rush into a relationship at school. Would have saved me a whole lot of pain and shame and therapy.

Anyway, hope your appointment is helpful and you can sort through some of the problems worrying you.

Take care of yourself HamSolo01.

[HamSolo01]

Thanks again 🙂

Ill keep posting on here for sure