I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[HeyJude]

Hi Smallwolf - yes I like the Beatles and the song Hey Jude has sentimental value for me. I have t really spoken to anyone about being scared before. I am usually too embarrassed but it can lead dangeorus high distress levels. It's that fear of knowing that "I am totally alone". When I my husband was hospitalised a few years back after moving to a new area after suffering a near fatal heart attack I had no one to call. No one to sit with me. With my mental health issues being all alone with no support, having no one that cares for my welfare becomes too much for me. I have always been an independent person, I am not needy - but being all alone at those times terrifies me and that's when I wish it would just be over with. I don't know if anyone else can relate - I know I am an adult and this is why it's embarrassing for me but not saying anything does not help either. It places me at risk. I felt "unsafe" when alone experiencing childhood abuse and that's probable where this anxiety stems from. If I had support I would cope - no doubt about it. I feel too vulnerable......unsafe alone. When my husband is well I can actually be a good support person for others - as I understand that vulnerability. I am open to any suggestions on how to comfort myself when alone in distress. I don't think I can take anymore grief, trauma or loss - I have had so much. I have ever been unable to verbalise this before - I am reaching out in hope. I hope no one minds me being so open. It is helping to get these thoughts out in the open. I do not have any to help me through these thoughts and fears,mischief as a psychiatrist etc - can't afford it presently. But may be able to next year when finances will improve. Thank you Smallwolf for your help and the hope you offer, means a lot. I need help with my fears, the distress they cause can put me in a dangerous place.

[HeyJude]

Hi Chrisy1 - hope you are feeling better today - am thinking about you.

Glad to read that your migraine lifted Katyonthehamsterwheel. They are horrible and disabling. How is your day going? Did you get out and about at all? I have been thinking about wondering if you are still feeling overwhelmed? Not easy adjusting to being on ones own. It's great to read tips here that's help to push through and cope better. I have applied some - keeping busy helps (when I can get out of bed).

I did see my GP yesterday. He is testing to see if my thyroid disorder Hashimotto is playing up - that can cause depression and anxiety he was telling me. Also testing for other things, so will have to wait and see in a fortnight of the results. But he feels a lot of it is stress and worry over my daughter. It has been going on a long time so he is probably right. I a man finding it very hard to let go of her, and I worry for her welfare.

Thanks for you post. Hope to hear from you all again soon, it's helping.

[HeyJude]

Hi smallwolf,

Thanks for your post. I replied with quite a long post but looks as if it got lost. Justwanted you to know that I will write another tomorrow answering your questions. Thanks for being there.

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

Your longer post came through. I will read it a couple of times and then reply. I have a few suggestions. But need to get my thoughts in order.

Tim

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Sorry about the delay. Ok, so tools for distraction I use include:

• Virtual hope box. This is an app for your phone with distraction tools.
• Relax melodies. This is another app my psych wanted me to get.
• Meditation exercises. You will find these in the above apps.
• Deep breathing exercises. Inhale and exhale as slowly as possible. Good energy enters the body and bad energy leaves.
• Lists for accomplishments, pleasure and gratitude.
• Through out day (periodically) listen for sounds. Meditation on something you can see as well.
• Saying thank you to your mind when you have negative thoughts to remind yourself that its just a thought.

You will also find threads on grounding and mindfulness elsewhere on the site. You should be able to find it using the search function. Otherwise I will find and tell you where to find it.

[HeyJude]

Thank you smallwolf for the tips. I especially like the sound of the virtual hope box. Hope always eases my distress. Also appreciating and being grateful for the small good in each day, that can so easily be overlooked when in pain. I have put to use some of the tips on here already - trying to get a rountine being one. Mornings are sooo hard - so hard to get out of bed. And not sleeping before 2:00am does not help. But am trying. This site has been helpful. I find reading the posts here and on other threads inspiring. I nearly gave up on forums as the last one I tried seemed to being advocating taking ones life as an option. I found this distressing, disturbing and triggering - as I come to forums for help, not a push. So am so grateful for the support on here as I am struggling but want to feel happy again. I will look more into the tips you gave me - meditation is hard for me as I can't still my thoughts for long enough - the worries keep overtaking and it's making it so hard to get motivated. I hope your day has been good and that all is going okay with adjusting to your medications. Now to try and put one foot in front of the other...

[stormcloudz]

Hi HeyJude

Please feel free to come here whenever you feel scared and alone, I hope that someone will always be here to greet you. I hate to think of you on your own, feeling triggered, and being too embarrassed to mention it. I know it takes a long time to work through these things and realise that you can be safe when you are alone, and in the meantime maybe we can help.

I also sometimes have trouble meditating, as I just can't settle. Someone explained to me that you don't have to still the thoughts, just note them kindly, then try to let them float away, like balloons. Other thoughts will come along, then note those gently too, and let them float away. Some days that works : )

Yes, Hashimotos can cause anxiety and depression, especially the latter. And lots of fatigue.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Sending you lots of companionship and understanding.

[therising]

Hi stormcloudz & HeyJude

Have found guided meditation to be helpful for a few reasons:

1. Am so easily distracted at times, therefor grateful for much needed guidance through meditation. Bit of trial and error finding a really good CD or download.

2. Starting with guided meditation at home eventually led me to step out and join a small guided meditation group. A little uncomfortable at first (getting together with strangers) but everyone's there for the same reason - to find a sense of peace/to connect with their deeper nature. An initial meeting with strangers eventually becomes a weekly reunion, something to look forward to. Important to have things to look forward to in life.

3. Meditation helps us prove to our self that we do have the ability to master our mind (tame the ego, with its destructive chatter). When it comes to complete mastery, outside of a meditation session, that can be a much tougher gig but still achievable with the right guidance.

One of the things I most dislike about depression is the (false) belief that we will forever be a slave, not a master, of our brain. Believing the lies we tell our self only keeps us in the darkness. Within truth there is enlightenment. Within all of us there is a brilliance awaiting discovery.

Take care xxxxxxx

[smallwolf]

Just to add a comment re meditation...

As stormcloudz said it is ok if your mind does wander. If it does, ok. Then return your focus on to the meditation or your breathing.

Ovee time you will get better at it. Like everything it is a learning experience and requires practice. Remember learning to ride a bike. And even when you are good at it, there may be distractions. Don't let them stop you.

Tim

[HeyJude]

Hi stormclouz, therising and smallwolf,

I did try and meditate the last few days and I found it relaxing. I let my thoughts flow and started to focus on the nature through my living room window. It was lovely. Also have been doing more in the house and out - trying to establish a rountine. And felt better for it. Was going good until today. My daughter has been having issues for awhile, she improves then slips down again as she associates with people who use and abuse her. Her self esteem is low and nothing we do is enough. Our love is not enough.

She is with a partner that can be abusive and leads a not so good lifestyle. Myself and husband have tried everything to talk her away from him but she keeps going back to him. To make a long story short we have been advised not to bail her out when she gets into debt as she blows her money on alcohol, cigarettes and recreational drugs. It really is soul destroying as a parent to watch. We never raised her this way and there was no substance abuse or abuse of any kind in our home when she was growing up. We smothered her with love and did our best to teach her to respect herself and others. She was assaulted when young outside the home and has never been the same since. She won't seek proper help no matter what we do to encourage it.

This worry over my daughter is a lot of the reason I become depressed and ill. Together with my own abusive past and the losses/grief I have endured. She was suppose to visit tonight and didn't turn up. I can't contact her as she hasn't paid her phone bill and it's disconnected. She asked us to help her out but for the reasons above we said no. Now I a. worried sick about her. All my good efforts at recovery are going down the gurgler. People tell me to let her go, she brings this on herself and that I deserve to be happy. But how can I be happy as a mother when she is living as she does in such dangerous circumstances? She had a good upbringing with lots of love and opportunities. People say I was a good mother. I did my best. She is making her own choice at 22 and there is nothing I can do.

Why did I have to lose her too? I am crying inwardly and just don't know how to cope with this emotionally. I need to be strong to go to my volunteering tomorrow as others depend on me and I need purpose. I feel so alone in this. I don't want to show my husband how I feel as it would worry him and he is not well. My anxiety is rising - I don't know how to stop worrying or how to cope 😥