I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[james1]

Hello everyone, thank you for your words of support. I can say I managed to not drink or do something else stupid last night. Anyway,I thought I should just say thanks. My next appointment is on Wednesday 1330. I just need to keep myself safe until then.

[Emmy.]

Will you keep chatting with us James. So we can support you until Wednesday.

Have you give anymore thought about going to hospital?

I'm so happy to hear that you didn't drink or anything last night 🙂 Really really proud of you.

Big hugs. Emmy.

[geoff]

hi James, thank you so much for getting back to us, it is really great to hear back from you, but now you have to try and get through today so try and do something that you enjoy and hope that this won't include drinking, because I know myself what we can do if we have a tummy full of alcohol, because our mind is not with us, it's in another sphere. Geoff.

[james1]

Hello, a quick update

I am seeing my psych at 1330 today.

On Sunday, I did my regular tutoring session with some high school kids and two friends took me out to watch the footy at a local pub. That was nice.

On Monday I did something stupid and so the last two days have been going to work but stomach cramps, bowel irritability, constant tremors and heightened anxiety...oops! But that's started to fade...I'll mention it to the GP next Monday. I did it with the intention of finding some feeling so while I knew it'd still be risky, it was low. Not that I really cared too much either way.

I'm really just running on anger right now. Anger and irritability. I'd been so level for a while that it just had to give way. So while I am totally capable of going into work, I will also sit for hours and do nothing. Okay, this isn't going anywhere. Apparently I'm not really with it.

2 more hours!

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I hope your psych session was helpful yesterday. I'm glad you enjoyed watching footy at the pub on Sunday. Maybe you needed to spend some time with friends- company and to take your mind off things for a bit.

This week sure has been difficult. I guess you were trying to find a way to cope- to feel or whatever it was- on Monday. Sometimes desperation leads us to make choices that feel right at the time. But then we aren't so sure about it later on.

Maybe just do what you can at work and don't be too hard on yourself. Hey, at least you showed up and that's half the battle. Take care.

Dottie x

[pinki]

hello james

i know how you feel i have sucide thoughts all the times i have tried a couple times too and failed because m still here still battling everyday .

i put a brave face on at work so no one knows .

i dont get out of the house unless i really need to nd thats to go to work .

i have the feeling of always failing and not getting anywhere i have been trying so hard to get things done just cant get through.

im on medication but you know what at the end of the day just because im on medcation the crap i deal with everyday is still there .

[james1]

Hey Dottie - thanks. I kind of ended up replying on your other thread.

Hey Pinki,

Thanks for the message of support and understanding. I also am on antidepressants though I ran out. I think I have an appointment on...Monday?

I know what you mean by trying so hard to do things but not being able to, and that's really disappointing. I have really high standards for myself and my brain hasn't really registered that depression is a valid excuse, so I'm still really hard on myself.

It sounds like you're also feeling a little bit isolated, even though you're surrounded by people at work. Do you have anyone at work who knows? I've told my manager, a teammate, and a friend who is in our wider team. It helps because if I'm having a bad day, I can just tell my manager I'm going for a walk and he understands.

James

[geoff]

hi James, I want you to go to your pharmacist if you don't have anymore AD, it's the long week-end and you can not go without your medication for 3 days, they will give you enough medication to cover you until you see your doctor, that's what they should and normally do.
The way you have been feeling can I say that it would be a great idea, and if you were my brother that's exactly what I would be telling you to do.
You are not at any stage where you can go without them and I mean this whole heartedly.


dear Pinki, I am very sorry for you, but what I would like you to do is start your own post, otherwise you will not get too many replies and certainly you need so much help as well. Geoff.

[james1]

Hey geoff,

I don't have the script anymore so I'll need to get one from my GP. I'll see if I can move the appointment forward.

Thanks for writing back. I really do appreciate your concern.

James

[james1]

I'm trying to make sense of everything at the moment. Nothing really makes sense and I am very confused. Things come and go and I don't remember...

Today I think I have tried or wanted to write something but ended up not knowing what to write. It feels like there's a dam ready to break and let all the water go, but when I turn and look, the dam is empty.

So I'm going to write here, though I don't really expect anything to make much sense, or even for it to be very coherent. I kind of just want to make sure I have something to talk to my psychologist tomorrow, and writing here seems to be better than writing on my own.

Stuff that's happened since Friday:

- I didn't go to my GP appointment. I woke up but didn't go. I don't remember why.

- I met with a couple of friends and watched the footy at a local pub, and I told him about all the stuff that was happening including the self harm.

- I tried talking to some friends but some are sad and others have their own troubles too at the moment.

- I decided to quit therapy then decided not to.

- I decided to quit medication then decided not to.

- I started crying on the walk to the station even though I wasn't sad.

- I thought I was more productive at work than I really was. I actually did nothing. That was confusing.

I know these things are pretty clear symptoms of depression, but my psychologist says I don't take my own mental health seriously. I don't know what to think. I thought I did, but maybe she's right. I don't know. I'm quite confused. Perhaps if I took it seriously I'd accept less than what I expect? But I expect so much from myself and to lower those expectations feels like a betrayal of myself.

Above all, I just want to quit work, quit everything and just watch people live their lives while I sleep and nap with me, my thoughts and my pillow.