I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Emmy.]

Sorry if I've upset you more I'll give you your space

[james1]

No, sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I know you're trying and I'm thankful for that.

P.s. I liked your posts on your own thread before. I was glad to have read them before I went in to my appointment.

[Emmy.]

Here for you when you want to talk some more xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

I am sorry you are feeling so much emotion after the visit to the psych. Did you talk through all the questions you had like if I am just sad why do I feel I have different identities.

Even though your psychiatrist is not diagnosing it as depression it doesn't make how you feel any less than what it is. Will the psychiatrist be sending a report to your psychologist? Perhaps you can work through all you concerns about identities etc with them.

The other thing I do when I feel really angry is try to look at it logically. Perhaps you can look up on the internet "Sad vs Depressed". You will find lots of hits with lists. You can look through and highlight where you fit so you can get an idea of how you fit and then make a list of things to talk to the psych about.

I hope you get some rest James.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I know you're feeling absolutely livid about your experience with your psychiatrist. I think s/he seemed to really trivialise your struggles even if that wasn't his/her intention.

I think it can feel extremely hurtful when you reach out but the help you seek seems to just brush you off. It's not a nice feeling to say the very least. Not at all.

I have to admit that I'm worried about your wanting to dig your way back in a hole. I mean, I don't think you need to dig your way back there to "prove" a point/show you're hurting/etc.

It's hurtful that your psychiatrist didn't understand the depth of your pain- it's understandably infuriating, I get it. You laid your yourself bare for him/her to see but were brushed off. But for what it's worth, other people get it- even if your psychiatrist doesn't get it. Us here on BB do.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but maybe look at this way. I think- even if it feels like there are many reasons to self destruct- when you do things like this, the person that you end up hurting most is yourself. Your psychiatrist isn't hurt from you hurting yourself, the racists aren't hurt from you hurting yourself, etc, etc.

So what I'm trying to say is please don't dig back in the hole because those people aren't worth it. You're better than that and we all love you here.

Maybe as some of the others have suggested, it will help to see a new psychiatrist. Sometimes you gotta shop around for a good one.

Hopefully I haven't said anything upsetting or out of line.

Here for you.

Love,

Dottie x

[james1]

Hello Emmy, Carol and Dottie,

Thanks for the words of support and advice.

I'm calmer today though I did stupid stuff yesterday and now I have a massive headache and am slightly dizzy at work. I'll be okay though.

I don't think I was speaking very clearly yesterday. I don't know exactly what he said, but he did acknowledge that I had minor depression of some sort. He didn't think some of my other behaviours were concerning, but didn't seem particularly interested in knowing them or asking either. Like, "Oh, you're just going through a difficult time now." Yes, I am. But who I was before this depression was also not quite right. Nobody I know does the things I do, reacts the way I do, even when I'm not depressed.

In all fairness, I didn't volunteer heaps of information, but I was being guided by his questions. And when I raised it, it became a matter of whether I have caused myself serious physical injury and because I said no, I was therefore okay.

I mean, the truth is I don't want to be on medication so I didn't even want him to give me a change in dosiage. I just hated how flippant he was.

I'll be honest. I'm going to take time out of my appointments for the time being, or at least as long as I can handle. In my current state, I will just end up pushing away my psychologist if I go see her now. And yes, I might have a look at another psychiatrist, but I don't really want to. The ADs are just meant to help get me to a mood where I can deal with the therapy.

Thanks again. I'm sorry for being difficult and making you feel sad.

James

[Starwolf]

Hi James,

First of all, I'm glad you are venting your anger and frustration. I'd suggest you go a step further, spend time writing exactly how you feel and send the letter to your psych.
Your trust has been abused, your emotions are justified. No need to turn the anger against yourself, you're not at fault here...aiming it at the right target would be a much wiser idea. It would also contribute to improving your state of mind almost straight away because you were game enough to take on the real culprit. No need to be rude, stating cold facts works much better as a politely uncompromising letter couldn't be easily dismissed as the rantings of a disturbed person !

Therapists are service providers and they're humans. So there are good ones and bad ones. Nothing wrong with ditching an insensitive one and searching for someone you can connect and work with. I have had my fair share of experiences with doctors that make you sick and also met others who were not only good at what they were doing but also terrific human beings.

Digging yourself into a hole is not the answer, you deserve way better than that. Setting things right will give you a feel good buzz. I once was an angry, over reactive person. I have found that canalizing this incredibly powerful energy into a positive channel caused it to disappear...Sure, I may have upset a few people in the process but since it was done with a show of good manners (this can be very cold when thoughtfully used), the blame was not so easy to shift on me.

James, you are articulate and intelligent...you can make this work and even get a good inner chuckle out of it.

My thoughts are with you.

[Starwolf]

I forgot...it will help if you write a first letter letting anger loose, expletives and abuse included. Then burn it or tear it to shreds then start again in a controlled manner.

That's therapy for you.... 🙂

[james1]

Hi Starwolf,

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure I could give the letter to the psychiatrist I saw yesterday, but I could certainly write it. That sounds do-able.

I need to make sure I don't indulge in self-hatred because I do it all the time. I've had to type here to try and redirect the anger away from myself as much as possible so I've at least gone half way in doing the right thing.

Thanks

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I think that Starwolf's letter writing idea is brilliant. It sounds like a wonderful way to let everything out of your system. Carthatic. The pen is mightier than the sword 😉

Well done for redirecting the anger away from yourself. That's amazing progress!

Thanks for trusting us with your thoughts here x