I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Just Sara]

Dear James;

It's difficult to read your words after the lovely sentiments you've given me. We do support each other in times of need so I'll take this opportunity to give back.

I support you in your recovery and hope this time passes quickly. I don't really know what else to say except I hear you and send my love.

I've found medication serves well to develop enough respite to create a basic foundation for further efforts. Sleep, activity and mindfulness.

Here's to success...'clink' go the glasses (expensive bottled water)

Warm and kind wishes...Dizzy xo

[james1]

Hi Dizzy,

Thank you for the kind words of support. It's all we need sometimes - just to be heard.

You made me chuckle with your comment about the expensive bottled water. I have been trying to stay away from the alcohol at work functions and become the sparkling water guy.

Much love,

James

[Clues_Of_Blue]

James, I know what you mean about struggling with low energy. Lifetime of that for me, not helped by working weird shifts. I hear you about playing whack-a-mole, too. With symptoms for you, with outside problems for me. Amounts to much the same, though, doesn't it? That sense of exhaustion, like you're just chasing your tail and not really achieving anything. On the bright side, you've held onto a spot of humour and a delightful way of expressing your frustrations. I do appreciate how articulate you are (maybe you can jot those things down as being consistently observed factors in your identity?).

Well done on calling back your acute care team. I hate making phone calls at the best of times and tend to avoid them like the plague when I'm stressed - if you're anything like me on that, it was probably quite the effort to make yourself do it, so I'll raise my mug of ill-advised coffee in a toast to yon achievement. 🙂

I like your new picture, by the way. You look so friendly and approachable, just as your text conveys.

Blue.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

When I read through your journey on this and your last post, a book I have read keeps coming to mind.

I had bought it with the intent to improve myself from a business perspective but the biggest changes were made to my understanding of myself and understanding from the social mirror, the perceptions and paradigms of people around me.

The book is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey.

An excerpt; "until we take how we see ourselves (and how we see others) into account, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will project our intentions on their behaviour and call ourselves objective. This significantly limits our personal potential and our ability to relate to others as well"

The book gives guidance on understanding self with the principle of seeking to understand ourselves and then secondly to be understood by others.

I am not sure if you feel up to reading right now but if you are I would highly recommend this. It should be available to download if you have a device to read on. It is a good investment.

Thinking of you, here for you xx

[james1]

Hey Blue,

Yes, definitely chasing my tail around in circles, and knowingly too which is the worst thing. But at least I'm aware right?

I've actually avoided some of the phone calls that have come through, knowing that I just didn't want to talk. So yes, it was a huge effort and I tricked myself into doing it while I was still groggy in the morning. It's really great to be self aware, so you know how to trick yourself, haha.

Thanks. Aside from the identity problem, I've also got a bit of a self-image/appearance problem which doesn't help at all. But anyway, I've got enough on my plate as it is without whacking the ugly mole too 🙂

Hey Carol,

Thanks for the suggestion. Reading is not my strong point at the moment, but maybe this will kick start my reading and give me something to distract myself and learn from.

Projection's quite an interesting point because I do it a lot as a defense mechanism. Apparently it's one of those borderline personality disorder symptoms I exhibit. So while the book probably talks about it in a different context, it'd be interesting to read about.

Thank you 🙂

James

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

There are a lot of concepts in there that I see relating to depression and various issues with self. It has been a great resource for me.

There's a section in there on circle of influence too which talks about the things you can change and those you can't. It gives strategies on how to expand how much you can influence in a positive way.

From your profile pic I can't see why you would have a problem with your appearance. However from my experience it is often a problem on the inside that causes people to doubt the outside.

You are so kind and you generously give your time to people here. You obviously have a good soul. Take some time to work through who you are, use the book for some help on how to do that, use Internet resources too for tips if needed. I think it will give you a new perspective on the outside.

Kindest thoughts,

Carol xx

[james1]

Thanks Carol. Despite the pain medication, you always know what to say and how to say it.

It's scary thinking just how quickly my life's imploded, but I guess the tinder was always set and just ready for the spark. Hopefully I get enough breaks between the new fires to have a read of the book.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

Have you tried some mindfulness exercises for when you get fires?

My psych directed me to a site called palousemindfulness. If you look it up there is a body scan meditation on the bottom of the left hand menu. You can also look through the week by week courses. It is all free.

I find keeping distracted helped me keep away from the darker thoughts, perhaps this may help.

Hoping today is fire free xx

[james1]

Hey Carol,

My psychologist tried running through a body scan one with, and it works for the anxiety but I'll have a look at the site you suggested for additional ones.

The exercises so far haven't helped with the ones where I just feel empty except in my head. They're the ones where I eat to feel less hollow (great that I have brilliant metabolism!) and wonder if I can feel pain when I'm so dissociated. For them, the meditation does nothing unfortunately since I'm already just completely separated from me. For those situations, distractions are all I have to stop my thinking. Reading might work if I can muster the concentration.

Sorry if I sound unreceptive. My mind/body are not very good with strategies at the moment but you are helping by talking and trying 🙂

James

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

I don't think you are unreceptive 🙂

I have never felt as bad as you but at my lowest in my depression I just stayed in bed and cried all day. I have felt hopeless, useless and unable to see an end to the pain. I couldn't get out of that place without the ADs.

I read that you have started medication. Once it kicks in properly hopefully you will be able to read and do some other things to distract you from that empty feeling.

Another exercise that may help when you are up to it is writing lists to help you understand yourself better. For example; what things do i like (or have enjoyed on the past). From that list you can expand. For example you might have said Music. From there you can write a new list with what types of music then another one on what artists. You can then consider if these lists allow you to define a statement about who you are, for Example, I am into rock and alternative music.

You can do this for lots of things e.g. where you like to travel, the type of people you like, the type of work you like, animals, pets etc.

Perhaps this could help a little.

If you prefer to have a break from my advice, let me know and I will just be here for you instead.

Kind thoughts xx