I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Emmy.]

Yay do you love it? Have you given the teddy a name? Miss you James.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

How are you tonight? I haven't seen you posting. You are so wonderful to everyone here. You are a beautiful soul James.

Know that I am here for you if you feel like talking, positive or negative.

Thinking of you,

Carol

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Emmy wrote a beautiful message and put together a really thoughtful present. Glad you liked what Emmy picked out 😊

And she's right, you are loved by so many of us here. Thanks for being you. I know you're still figuring out "you", and it's a difficult journey and I bet it sucks a lot. But whoever James means to James, I'm sure he's a beautiful person.

Dottie x

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I know you're going through a rough time now, just as I am. For that I appreciate all the more that you have been there for me. Thank you, and know that I'm here to support you too, whenever you need it.

Blue.

[james1]

Hey Emmy, Carol, Dottie and Blue,

Thank you all for checking in on me, and sorry I haven't really been able to do the same recently.

I have been reading your threads, and I've also noticed we've all gone a bit quiet with our own things going on at the moment, and I think that just makes each little post even more significant. To your point somewhere else Carol, and what Blue mentioned here, I'm really thankful to have such caring people who, in the middle of their own troubles, just want to check in on a friend. You're all amazing.

I've had a few people ask how I am and I don't know. I'm not me right now. I'm just... puppeteering me. This happens a lot when I stop trusting myself (another thing that happens a lot). Usually a frantic effort to latch onto an identity draws me back out.

I started taking my medication finally and it's really knocking me about with dizziness, fogginess and nausea. My unproductive days at work just got even less productive, hah.

Here's a bit of positivity: one of the Yr 12 students I tutor got a 9/10 for her presentation and she was really happy about it. So glad for her because year 12 can be so stressful!

James

[Guest_5218]

Hi there James. Sorry to hear things have been pretty rough of late. Please dont feel you need to post to all our threads when you are not feeling up to it. Always great to hear from you of course, but not at the detriment of your own health.

Pleased to hear that you have finally commenced your medication. Of course it knocks you around a bit for a while, but your body adjusts after a while and most of the initial dizziness and nausea will reduce.

Feeling unproductive at work? Yeah, I do sympathise with that feeling, as I have been there lately too.

Nice to see that you finished your post with a nice positive though! Well done in getting your Yr 12 student to the point where she got a 9/10 for her presentation. You must be a very good tutor. What subject do you tutor her in?

Okay James, fairly brief from me today, but I wanted you to know that I havent forgotten you. I care about you and often think of you, even though I havent been around much lately.

Kind thoughts and a hug coming your way.

Sherie xx

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

All good- no apology needed. Respond when you feel up to it. No pressure. In your own good time.

Adjusting to your new meds sound like it has been challenging. Hopefully the side effects ease soon. Hey, you show up to work- that's already a BIG achievement! Showing up is half the battle 😉

I'm happy that you're happy about your student's results. Credit to the tutor and tutee for that one! You must be a good tutor.

Keep holding on.

Dottie x

[blondguy]

Hey James

Just thought I'd touch base and say hello....You have a huge fan base here......I just want to say thankyou for the expertise you provide on the forums. I hope you can take care and have a good weekend too 🙂

Your counsel is gold James

My Best

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi James,

Well done for your tutoring success. Validation gives self-confidence a welcome boost, doesn't it ?

Fingers crossed you will soon adjust to the medication. It's hard to feel motivated while struggling with physical issues as well. So puppeteering sounds like a reasonable option at the moment...at least you know what/who is pulling the strings.

Have a peaceful, restful weekend.

[james1]

Hello Sherie, Dottie, Paul and Starwolf, thanks for the comments you left last week. It picked me up a bit for the weekend. I hope you all had a good weekend.

Sorry, but there's a vent coming up as I realise I'm slipping again, so I just need to type. The spaceiness from the medication is wearing off and I no longer have something to distract me.

Here's my vent:

It's so frustrating having all these damn symptoms and playing whack-a-mole with them, because your hand eventually gets tired. So you ignore the mole in the corner, then the one next to it, and before you know it, all the moles are grinning at you.

And deciding to pick up that hammer to start playing whack-a-mole again is just so much effort it feels better, easier and more comfortable to not, even though you know you should.

So that's where I am now. Lots of moles grinning at me, but a few moles which I'm still beating down.

I'm not doing the really simple homework my psychologist told me to do, but I am still taking my medication. I'm probably going to push my psychologist appointment back because it feels repetitive and costly saying, "sorry, I didn't do anything again this week," but I'll have my acute care team calling every now and then.

I just need one mole to focus my whacking on, but it's like they're all cousins or something. I can't focus on just taking my tablets while my work slips up and friends get increasingly distant. I can't even just focus on my values and what I'm good at, when I'm also fighting off this confusing identity which keeps flipping.

Too many thoughts. I hate that my day is basically over from the time I wake up in the morning and already feel like crap. Waking up takes 50% of my energy away. Getting up steals the remaining 49%. And questioning whether I'm lying to myself about my energy levels drains the last 1%.

Blah.

And trying to end on a positive note again: the acute care team set me up for a psychiatrist appointment next Monday after I finally, after 3 missed calls and a note under the door, decided to call them back. I feel sorry for them.

Thanks for listening.

James