I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[james1]

Oooh that's so exciting! You'll have to let us know how it is. I've been booking too many things recently so I might have to give this one a miss, but you could change my mind 🙂

[Emmy.]

I'll definitely let you know how it is 🙂 How you doing now? You watched the movies??

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

James, it is wonderful to read the support you are receiving here.

Thankfully it has been a while since I awoke from a nightmare. Carol has given you some wonderful ideas on how you might be able to avoid the nightmares and have a more restful sleep.

Do you have a pet you can snuggle with at night? If not the huge cuddly toy sounds like a good option. Quite often the department stores have huge teddys at reasonable prices.

I also like Carol's idea of trying to change the end of a nightmare. When you awake and the scare factor is still with you, decide how you would like the story to go. I used to do this.

One of my girlfriends told me this was how she managed to get to sleep each night, she would run a sequence of peaceful events through her mind where she felt like a princess and then she would sleep well. She had a lot of trauma in her life, she said it was about the only time she felt like she was worth anything.

Carol hi, is it okay if I copy and paste what you wrote about nightmares and transferred it over to the SLEEP thread? Thanks.

Is it just me or do some of you find there are depressing bits in all of the Disney movies? I find that if I am already in a depressed mood then I can not watch a lot of them!

Maybe they all have happy endings and that is the bit I should concentrate on! Ha. Ha.

Wishing you sweet dreams James, hopefully you will be able to switch your mind from the sad ending to something more pleasant.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Yes please do copy it to the sleep thread. Thankyou.

Yes, all Disney movies tend to take us on an emotional journey but they are always resolved happily. Toy Story 3 resonated with me, I cried so much through that with the concept of Andy growing up and leaving home and being too big for his toys then passing them on to the next generation. I saw it at the cinema with some soccer mums and our boys. Luckily while I was trying to wipe my tears subtely I heard the Mum next to me sobbing so I wasn't alone haha.

Do you have your own personal thread you write to Mrs D?

Goodmorning James. How did you sleep?

[james1]

So the last two nights I've ended up drinking wine and that put me to sleep. Woke up somewhat groggy, but I didn't have any nightmares. So while the wine probably isn't great long term, I've at least been able to sleep.

I used to tell myself stories - good stories - before I went to bed. This would basically be every night, but it hasn't been working recently. Possibly because I can't even make good stories anymore...

I started a new thread in the board that gets checked more. It looks like it's still coming through, but I might leave this thread for a while since I'm not even looking for support anymore. Just too confused.. I can't handle having both going at the same time!

[Emmy.]

Completely understand that James I feel like that too. Wish I'd never started a new thread. Any woo. May I ask the name of the other thread so I can find you? Or is it the hospital one? Big hugs ... You're sounding very down. Did you do your run this morning xx

[Guest_5218]

I agree with you James. I like all my stuff on the one thread too, it gets less confusing that way. Although I have found your new thread this morning and have commented on it. I hope you are okay James, as I am concerned for you. And yeah with regards to the wine as a long term fix - please dont do it. I tried that as a sleep and/or forget solution in the past too. It really doesnt work! In fact it makes it worse. So please dont make a habit of it. See your GP and get something sorted with your medications, okay?

Here for you James.

Sherie xx

[james1]

Hello everyone, the past week has really just shattered the last fragments of my trust in myself. True to the title, I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like all my thoughts are just warped and twisted somehow and I didn't even realise this happening.

Anyway, I wanted to post so you don't worry if I start posting less or just don't respond. I've been seeing my psychologist every week but it feels like my story keeps changing. Still, I'll keep going because I've really got nothing to lose by going.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for supporting me, and a big thanks as well to the moderators for maintaining these wonderful forums. I think it's a wonderful resource.

I'll still be around, just less. I think the world of you all and I still think we can get through all our troubles together.

[Emmy.]

Just leaving you a present here so you know I care James.

It's all gift wrapped in blue wrapping paper of different shades (cause it was too big to wrap with one sheet I had to use multiples...some of the paper may be a little glittery too- you know me and glitter). The present has lots of bows stuck to it on each bow is a different yummy chocolate for you to enjoy.

So the present is HUGE.... I bet you can guess what it is. It's bigger than me soft to touch....let me know what you think 🙂

Also over there in the corner near all the helium balloons is a little care package filled with lots of goodies for you. Hopefully they make you smile.

Also tied to the end of the balloons are little postive messages from all of us; Dottie, Paul, Carol, Blue Sherie, Mrs Dools, Rock, Geoff, Starwolf, Igbran and me... Reminding you that we all love and care for you very much.

We will be here for you when you're ready to talk again some more. I'm glad you're seeing your psychologist each week. Take care of you.

Big hugs James. Emmy xx

[james1]

Thanks for the room-sized teddy Emmy 🙂