I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[blondguy]

Hey James..no advice here...just admiration....

James had the courage to say: I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I hear your pain loud and clear...

Here for you my friend

Paul (Hugs)

[Guest_322]

Wow, that was a very powerful poem. So evocative and painful. I can hear the exhaustion and agony. Considering everything that has happened recently, each day must feel like a daily battle.

I know that my words are just words and won't make things better for you- and maybe that's not the point anyway. Maybe it's more about you getting some of the pain out of your system and feeling heard. Well, like Paul, I hear you too.

[Doolhof]

Hi James,

I too find your poem to be incredibly descriptive of how you are feeling when in the depth of depression.

Here is my reply to you James and to all who find themselves in the darkenss:

The candle flickers as though it may go out

I grasp onto it and cradle the flame

Slowly the glow increases and I feel a faint warmth

Hope arises as the flame grows stronger

I look around and the darkness is receding

I hold the candle high above my head

Demons scurry into the recesses of gloom

Fear drops from me and falls to the ground

I pick myself up and hold the candle before me

I take a step into the light I see ahead

For a moment I pause and wonder can it be true

Is there a way out of this hell?

I take another step forward, then I ponder my thoughts

I look behind me and feel gripped once again

With much determination and courage I face forward once more

I take another step feeling braver this time

Now I have a sense of peace creeping in

Only slightly, but it is there

Something for me to hold onto

To encourage to grow and bloom within.

I feel something else, what can that be?

I feel the presence of others who have been where I have been

There understanding, acceptance, caring and thoughts

Are fuelling me to continue on

Slowly I walk out of the darkness into the light

Guided by hope, confidence and new dreams

Maybe I can do this, break free for a while

Build up my strength, resilience and support.

If the demons come back, and haunt me again

I know it is not the end, just a step back for a while

I have climbed out of this hell many times

I know I can do it once again

I know I will be stronger, wiser more caring

Due to all I have been through

I don't wish this journey on anyone

It can be hell

But hope is with me and caring friends too

The demons are back in hell where they belong

As for me I'm progressing forward

With my face being warmed by the glorious sun.

[james1]

Hi paul, dottie and mrs Dools,

Thanks for the replies - I really appreciate the support. I don't even know what I'm really looking for...just a place to air my thoughts and soak in some support.

And thank you Mrs dools for the uplifting and beautiful poem. There's a lot of great images in there, but I especially liked:

- To encourage to grow and bloom within. -

That's why I go on; I hope to achieve just that.

[Doolhof]

Hi James,

Some days can be really tough. Some days we have no idea what will help.

It is excellent we have this place where we can just be ourselves, no matter what state we are in.

Take in all the love, care and support you need and want. There is plenty here!

Express yourself in any way that helps. If you need to off load negative stuff, people here understand with out being judgemental and without telling you to just pull your socks up.

While you are logged in, maybe you would like to look at some of the posts in the Social Zone. Some days I pop into the "BB Café" for a goodaye or join in with some of the fun posts.

Small steps James, out of the darkness into the light. You are never alone, there are always people available to listen to you. Even if they are strangers on the end of a phone help line, or caring souls here at BB.

Sending you encouragement to do something today that you enjoy and to enjoy the moment.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[james1]

Thanks for the encouragement Mrs Dools.

Yesterday I ran the Sydney City2Surf and 3 things made my day:

1) beating my target time of 90min, and running 77min,

2) seeing the BeyondBlue team running, and

3) I spent a good hour talking to a stranger later that day, just someone who was on the ferry with me.

I felt terrible again afterwards, but at least during the race and on the ferry, things were okay.

[blondguy]

Hey James

I didnt know Beyond Blue had a team running!! Cool.

James wrote: "Yesterday I ran the Sydney City2Surf
1) beating my target time of 90min, and running 77min,

You STAR! Well done 🙂

your friend.....(I hope you have some peace soon James)

Paul

[james1]

Thanks 🙂

Yeah, I saw at least 20 (or maybe the same 3 people 10 times!) BB singlets on the run which was nice.

[Chris_B]

james1 said:

Thanks 🙂

Yeah, I saw at least 20 (or maybe the same 3 people 10 times!) BB singlets on the run which was nice.

Hi James, thanks so much for doing the run. Would you like to add this to our achievements thread?

Share your achievements, small or big