I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Last night it started raining! That's Hobart weather for you. So didn't go for a run like I was planning unfortunately. I did go to the gym with my friend, he's good company. We then undone all our hard work at the gym by getting some fast food.

That talk with my office colleague really rattled me and caught me off guard. I really wasn't prepared for that. It was good to talk it over and get some perspective.

I'm seeing me ex on Saturday - we'll go out and get a hot chocolate or something. We've still be talking most days this week on the phone, but the time apart has been good. That said it will be good to check in on how she's going. I'm gigging Saturday night too, so it'll be a bit of a busy day.

What I will try and do this weekend though is go for a nice drive somewhere. That for me is a great form of therapy.

I'm feeling a bit brighter today, still a little in shock from yesterday but there's not much I can do about that.

Aaron 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Well today is Friday- usually I really like Fridays but not feeling that way today.

This sounds a bit pathetic but I really miss my ex in a lot of ways. I guess I'm in a pickle where I still love her and care about her, but despite her promising that she will change her ways, I can't be sure that she'd actually follow through with these changes.

I spoke to her last night on the phone, she's very sad and misses me. I miss her too. She wants me back, that much I am aware of, but I really don't know if I can go there again. I feel awful as if I'm stringing her along or giving false hope. It's really not my intention at all to do that.

I suppose these feelings are probably not that unusual for a situation like this. Tomorrow I'm seeing her and I'm going to make a really conscious effort try not to 'people please' if that makes sense. I have an awful habit of trying to make everyone happy, even if it comes at my expense which it usually seems to.

Oh well - just going to try and do what I can today and be positive somehow.

Sorry for the whinge - I'm probably not as resilient today, I had a gig last night that went a bit late so didn't get a lot of sleep.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

Great to hear from you today, even though you are still healing you do sound alot better to me.

Please do not ever say you are pathetic, you are a person going through a break up and it is going to take time, there are going to be moments of strength when you feel on top of the world and then times when you are feeling sad and vulnerable, that is perfectly ok and is not pathetic at all. Of course you still love each other and it is next to impossible to just turn those feelings off, this break up is a process and is going to take time for you to have those feeling subside somewhat, you may always love each other and that is fine, you may just not be in love and can not have a future together, you can still care for each other and be in each other's lives but just not as partners. Sometimes a clean break where you never see each other again works and sometimes it doesn't. This is the thing, there is no rule book and it is different for everyone.

I just want you to do what feels right for you, where you are not doing something for the sake of her feelings, people pleasing as we talked about before, but you are being true to you, I think if you stick to that you can never go wrong. I have a saying that "if it feels wrong it probably is"..not my saying but I love it..your gut has an amazing ability to just know and I think trust it.

You are a very intelligent man and I think you have so very much to look forward to, I think you can even say to your ex that "I hope you feel like I am not giving you false hope, I actually don't know myself what the future looks like for us". I think if you address it with her you are being fair to both of you.

I am happy you are going to be mindful of what you commit to and say tomorrow and not to people please. I am so happy you are giving yourself permission to be in control of you and your future happiness, well done.

Hope your gig went well last night, yes lack of sleep does tend to make you a bit foggy in the morning but hey, it is Friday, even though you don't love it anymore it is still a little bit good as no work tomorrow..lol

Will be here if you need to debrief after your catch up, I think if you are just honest and open you will be fine my friend.

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Had an okay weekend. Saw my ex on Saturday - she's doing okay I guess. I had a gig on Saturday night, she came along to that. While it's a nice gesture, it made me a bit uncomfortable. People obviously still think we are together as normal... She wanted to see me on Sunday, I popped by in the morning but kept it fairly short. She's certain we can work through our problems etc. but I'm still not sure about that. I sort of feel like I'm being pressured and rushed, I know that's not her intention but I think I need to pull away a bit more. I still have ruled anything out, but that said I haven't ruled anything 'in' either so I'm not sure where that leaves me.

I was thinking about what you said before about following your gut feeling - "if it feels wrong, it probably is". Truthfully I don't know what my gut feeling is telling me at the moment. There is a fear naturally of severing ties with my ex entirely, it's easier to break up when you don't love the person any more. It's hard when you love someone but the 3 1/2 years you were with them was mostly hard work.

She says she was completely unaware of how unhappy I was and thought I was actually happy in the relationship. I did hide my true feelings but they came out every so-often; I find it hard to believe she was completely oblivious. I was going to counselling to try and cope better with her (and try and help her make positive changes too). I don't believe that's the actions of someone happy in a relationship...

Re. the work colleague - my best friend suggested I send her a message to clear the air. Just to explain I need time and space etc. and I don't want to rush into anything just yet and how I need to do the right thing. I think it's an 'okay' idea, but I'm actually kind of annoyed with her for putting so much pressure on me. I might do that when I'm less irritated.

Yesterday I focused on doing things that I enjoy - I did a lot of aimless driving - visited the Cemetary (beautiful gardens, quiet, peaceful), and went on a 1hr run on the treadmill at the gym. Feeling a bit better today.

I guess everything feels bit unsettled and I kind of feel pressured by my ex to a degree. While I haven't given up on her, I also haven't guaranteed to get back with her, it's not as black and white as that...

I guess I'm struggling to cope with what everyone is expecting of me....

Hope you had a nice weekend -
Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Good morning Aaron

Apologies for the tardy reply, I was so crazy busy yesterday and I had a date with my son last night..lol It sounds like you are doing well but I can also see that there is uncertainty and doubt and worry as to if you are doing the right thing, I am so glad that you found help in my advice with "If it feels wrong, it probably is", it has helped me gain so much perspective.

I hear that you are still feeling pressured, that is good that you can identify this and once again I think a little more space as you said will help, you are such a caring and gentle man and I can see you are really wanting to support her, but just remember you are still trying to care for you, so please don't feel like you are being unreasonable if you want space or you need some further time apart, after all, you are trying to make a new life on your own as well as consider if there is a future for this relationship, so give yourself the time and space you need, you owe that to yourself. If you do reconnect you want to go in with 100% clarity that you are making the best decision for you as well as for her, but remember too at this point please focus on you.

I am not sure what to say about her total unawareness of your happiness, I guess it is possible to go through a relationship with total unawareness of your partners state of mind, but only if you are making a conscious effort to hide or protect it. You had many conversations with her as well as the counselling that you mentioned so I am not sure that she is being perhaps totally honest, or perhaps she truly believes she was unaware.

The lady at work will be ok and I am sure that in time when you have the strength to address her with your feelings, her expectations as well as her conversation with you, however I think you can just get on each day being polite to her and maybe worry about that another day. I don't think that there is anything wrong with saying "I would really like to have a chat to you, however I just would like some time to do this break up thing and get myself back on track". If she really can't accept that I think you can probably discount any future with this person, just my opinion.

I hear what you are saying with coping with people's expectations but I think it is totally reasonable to be a little "selfish" for want of a better word as this time is really about you Aaron. People will understand if you just ask them to be patient as you are healing. Chat soon Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

No need to apologise at all! I'm sure you have better things to do than listen to my moaning and groaning! Hope you had a nice date with your son. I often take my Mum out for coffee on the weekends. She is great company and LOVES to talk (and talk and talk) so she distracts me from my own problems.

There is uncertainty I guess, I suppose there always is with stuff like this. I think I need more space. Articulating that in a way that doesn't cause huge amount of hurt/pain is really tricky. I guess it's that part of me that wants to please people and keep people happy getting in the way again.

I'm not entirely sure I want to get back with her again, I still think it's way too soon to know. Even now the dynamic between us is still not balanced-I'm fussing over her, checking if she's okay. She's complaining that she's lonely etc. I'm trying to help her feel better by talking through things, listening etc. I have a lot of gigs on this week (tonight, tomorrow, Thursday and Saturday) so that will give me some much needed space.

Getting back with her again would cause this pain/confusion to stop. But my gut is telling me it's really not what I want. If anything I'd just be prolonging more awful feelings.

I worry about my work colleague as she's been away from work since last Thursday after she was angry at me. I probably shouldn't worry, but I feel awful that I've cause her hurt.

Last night I was cranky. It's very rare that I get cranky, but I think lack of sleep was getting to me. I was feeling like my ex was pressuring me, at the same time I was angry about being pressured by the work colleague. Sometimes it gets a bit too much. This must be how a new puppy feels when everyone is trying to pat it!

Today I think I'll ring the telephone counsellor again as I've let my thoughts/feelings fester a bit too much.My perception of things starts to get a bit warped/distorted when that happens. Some advice about diplomatically asking for space too would be helpful.

I still struggle with putting myself first. It's something I haven't really ever done, so it's not natural. I feel like most other people don't seem to have this problem (as far as I can tell!).

Thank you for your kind words and understanding.

Apologies if I'm a sound a bit incoherent/jumbled - trying to articulate the mess going on in my brain is challenging.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Do not for one minute feel like I would rather not listen to your "moaning/groaning", I am very happy to chat and be on this journey with you to provide a friendly ear and some support, I hope you are getting enough of that from me as I want for you to be happy.

Last week was my daughter's birthday so I felt bad that my son was sort of swept to the side so I took him out for dinner and a movie, Joker, which was very depressing but very very good. I really try to do that with them as it is so important to have that connection and give them one on one time, like your mum..I chat way too much too.

I get what you are saying about the pleasing people thing and that you are still trying to care for your ex but remember, you have to care for you too. I agree with you in that it probably is too early to know if there is a future for the both of you and please don't let her 'dumping" on you, for want of a better word push you into feeling like you need to still be her carer or get back with her. You have acknowledged before that the relationship was very much like a carer role and her telling you she is feeling lonely and things like that is not really helpful to your recovery. I think perhaps when she says things like that you can perhaps just parrot what she says and that way you are not agreeing or disagreeing, just hearing her, and also not trying to please her which in turn displeases you. Perhaps something like " yeah, I hear that you are lonely, that must be hard" or "I am sorry you are feeling that way". I think this sort of response will also release you of the guilt or worry that you are hurting her or causing her pain. You are not, she too needs to find a way to manage this break up, just as you are doing, it is not your role to fix her.

Great you have a lot of gigs on, that sure will keep you busy but I feel like also provide you with an opportunity to meet new people and start a new social chapter in your life with some new friends etc.

I had to laugh when you said that you understand how a puppy must feel when everyone is trying to pat it, a very good analogy and you are so right, but you know what that puppy does, he runs off and does something else when he has had enough, and you have that right too.

You are so caring and I really admire your willingness to support your ex but it is time to support you my friend..your time for you to heal too.

Great to hear you will have a chat with the phone counselor, great idea!

Chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah - you have been so helpful. It's been a pretty horrible time but your support has made it so much easier than it would've been otherwise.

I am interested in that movie - I've heard it's a pretty confronting film, but very good too. Sounds like it's very dark.

That one-on-one time is really important, I agree. That's why I make an effort to see my mum. Mum and Dad are separated, and she's spends a lot of time on her own. Her company makes me happy, so I hope that mine makes her happy.

I'm in a tricky situation with my ex in that I'm actually doing a gig in Melbourne early in November. Obviously we would've went together to it. She's asking if she's still coming with me. I'm not really sure it's a good idea at this stage. I know I've said I haven't ruled anything out, but I feel like this will really confuse things. I've actually paid for all of it, so the finances isn't really the concern, it's more that I think it's not really right for us to go together with things as they are right now. I need to think about this more, but I will likely have to tell her I'm going on my own.

The phone counsellor I spoke to today made an interesting point. To paraphrase he described how people who are very caring in nature can be easily manipulated by others, not even deliberately, but my ex knows exactly what triggers me and she is probably using that to effect - not in a malicious way at all but I guess to look after her own interests. I really don't believe she's being manipulative or anything but I think it's human nature to a point and something for me to be aware of. A lot of what she says triggers that 'carer' instinct for me.

I will have to consider how I will approach this upcoming Melbourne situation. While we are separated and I have told her nothing has been ruled out and that I haven't given up on her, I think I may have to establish some boundaries... while we both still love each other etc. we aren't actually together any more. I"ll have to find a more diplomatic way of saying that obviously....

All of that relies on me being assertive... something I am well aware I'm terrible at! It just doesn't come naturally to me. Once I've gathered my thoughts a bit more I'll have to think about how to best address this.

I though the initial breaking up part was hard

It's just keeps on going and going 😞

Hope you're having a good day -

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I am so happy to hear that I have been of some help to you I am really am.

The Joker was an awesome film, it is such a deep look into mental illness and you get a real understanding of what is must be like for people who suffer. It is tragic, but very good Joaquin Phoenix does the most amazing job of acting and it really is good, but yes, very dark.

You are so wonderful to take your mum out and have dates with her, she would love every moment she gets to spend with you, you will 1000% make her very very happy. Perhaps don't take her to see Joker tho!!!

OK so with the Melbourne gig next month I think you already know what you want to do and that is come by yourself and I think that is a great idea. I know you will feel guilty as you planned the trip together but as you know the situation has changed. The phone counselor has nailed it on the head with her knowing how to get what she needs from you and how to make you feel things that ultimately lead to her advantage, but this is not good for you. She surely cant expect you will go and take a trip together when you have essentially broken up...it would involve hotels and spending time together that at this stage you are not wanting to do. It is totally ok for you to say to her that "I know we planned this trip together but the situation has changed and I will be going by myself".

That is so cool that you are coming to Melbourne to do a gig though, that is really great..good on you for getting out there and still doing these things when you are feeling so all over the place atm, you are so very brave and courageous.

Yes it does keep going and going but you are learning and growing and this is all part of life unfortunately...or fortunately...these lessons are just making you stronger and teaching you about people and about how to get the best out of you...and you really are doing such a wonderful job and doing all the right things to see that you are getting the help that you need and the tools to heal.

I am having a good day and thank you for asking, you know what made my day today....eating the new wasabi doritos..lol! You must try them, they are amazing!

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I am so grateful for your help! If it wasn't for your help, I think I'd be going a bit crazy.

It sounds like a great film. As I get older I get more and more affected by films etc. so I'm always a bit scared of watching something overly dark/scary/sad but I'll check it out! NOT going to take my mum to see it though! She'd hate it!

It's so hard to know if I've made the right decision.I find myself doubting my recollection of things, perhaps I was wrong? Did I imagine things? For a long time I believed I was over-reacting to things. In fact I was convinced that I had OCD or something like that. Really I just was very insecure in the relationship and that caused me to become very anxious, worried and miserable.

I've actually only realised today that I'm still very much in the role of the carer. I'm checking on her, making sure she's okay, asking her if she's been eating etc. It's not as if she's really asking me those things. This is probably my fault to a large extent. I really enable this unhealthy dynamic. I can tell that if I went back to her again, things would just return to the way they were.

You're right regarding the upcoming gig in Melbourne - it's really best I go on my own. We planned to stay there for about a week, but I'm thinking I'll just rebook the ferry etc. and just go for a couple days instead. I'll have to tell her that I'm really not ready to go on holiday together at this time. I'll probably do that on Saturday, so I can at least tell her that in person. If she takes that badly, I'll feel horrible but I have to do what is right for me. I guess that's what I still struggle with... I don't even know what is right for me as I'm still fussing over everyone else.

I have to admit going to Melbourne for a gig is daunting - it's been about 10 years since I've been there. With all this turmoil going on, the timing really couldn't be worse. That said, it will be a great distraction. I have a good friend who recently moved there, so it will be nice to see her again.

This time really isn't very nice but I have learnt a lot about people, and I've also learnt quite a bit about myself too.

Wasabi doritos?! That sounds great! I'll have to try some... I love wasabi- yum!

Hope your day is going well Sarah,

Aaron