I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I think being pained and confused is normal in a situation like this. Trying to not let it bring me down if I can help it. I'm focusing on doing things one little bit a time. Tonight I'm going to go outside for a run, I used to be able to run 15kms, that was a long time ago, I'll probably barely make 3kms now, but it'll be good to get fresh air.

It feels kind of like nothing is changing, but I know these things take a long time to sort themselves out.

I've just had my session with my counsellor - we both agreed I'm not in a fit state to be making any big decisions. I really need to be content on my own before I can clearly think about what I do next. I'm thinking too far ahead (I do this all the time... about everything!).

I still worry about my ex in a lot of ways, and I miss her terribly. That's normal, it would be unnatural if I didn't. I realise I left for a reason, I spent a long time being very lonely. At times it was really horrible. If we were to make a go of things again, she really needs to get back in control of her life too - she has to learn how to look after herself without relying on me to do everything. That was a bit part of the problem, she was dependant on me doing everything, and I was dependant on doing everything. Not a healthy dynamic at all.

I too am bothered by my work colleague. I saw her earlier today, she was fine - but I'm steering clear for now. We all have a limit on how many things we can deal with at once - I'm at mine already! She does have feelings for me, and she probably has her own self interests too (as we all do) - but pressure of any kind is bad right now. I've already been under pressure for 3 1/2 years!

Depending how I feel tonight I will ring the telephone counsellor again - it's good to keep these things in check. I'm also writing down my thoughts etc. even though they don't make any sense, it's just good to get them out.

I feel pretty tired today but it's been a harrowing time. That's to be expected. I'm hoping getting a run in this afternoon will help with my energy levels and general state of mind. That said I've been known to get cranky after a run, so who knows!

Hope you're having a nice day Sarah

and thank you for taking the time to be so generous and supportive with me.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

I am so happy to hear that the cousellor has been good and given you some things to work with, she is so right in that you are best not to make any big decisions right now and give yourself time to heal. Going for a run sounds like an awesome idea for you, for me it sounds like I would need an ambulance!!! In seriousness though I am glad that you feel up to getting some exercise, 15km is very impressive although I would start with something smaller tonight, unless your Forest Gump!

I know you will still worry about your ex as that is the kind of caring and warm person you are, and that is ok to feel like that. You can't just turn off your feelings in a flash, especially seeings you loved her and for 4 years so this will take some time for sure. I agree it probably does feel like you are not getting anywhere today, but I can see how far you have come and it is wonderful. It will take time though for you to have actual changes in feelings and that is to be expected too.

I am so happy you are seeking help and talking to people and really being brave about this whole journey.

Awesome you are writing things down it is so helpful, I do it too and I can't rave enough about how good it is, doesn't have to flow or even make sense just let the words pour out.

About your work colleague, I think you are doing very well in managing that and if she has feelings she needs to manage that at the moment as you are not really in a position to even think about her right now, I don't even think there is anything wrong with saying that to her too.

I hear how tired you are and maybe after your run you can jump in the bath and relax and then climb into bed and get some rest. Be kind to you!

Have a really good run tonight and get it all out.

Chat tomorrow, tomorrow will be brighter.

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

The appointment with the counselor today was helpful. He's known me for well over three years now, so he's in the unique position to be impartial but still know my history well. I feel pretty good this evening - going for a run helped a bit. There's no way I could do 15 kms anymore! I did about 5kms but that was painful. It was nice to get all that fresh air. That in itself helps.

I called my ex again today- we had a quick chat checking in on each other. She sounds like she is doing better. I'm doing okay, taking time to myself is starting to feel less strange. That said tomorrow morning I'll feel dreadful again, but that will get better with time.

You're so right, those feelings I have for her will take a long time to change. It's not reasonable to expect them to change instantly. As for my co-worker, I'm just going to not worry about that for now - if she's not happy with the boundaries I've set, that's really not my concern. It's not something I have control over.

Tonight after going for a run, I actually went out for dinner with my best friend. He's very funny and great at taking my mind off things. Was really nice to joke about all sorts of stupid things - lots of big laughs.

Right now I'm going between feeling good but then suddenly I feel dreadful again. It's like a yo-yo. But the good part is that I'm starting to feel better so I'm really happy about that.

I have you to thank for that in a lot of ways!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Wow you sound like you have come leaps and bounds and I am so excited for you that there were times yesterday when you felt good, that is so wonderful to hear.

5km's is an awesome effort and that is brilliant that you felt good afterwards.

I was so happy to hear also that you felt like your ex sounded ok and that she was doing as well as can be expected as that is helpful to you in your path to move forward to, and reassuring to hear and get validation of what you know, that she will be ok and that she will go on with her life too and she will be fine. I think that is great that she is coming along in her recovery too.

Well happy Wednesday and I hope you are doing ok this morning, it is my absolute pleasure to chat to you and provide some sort of support to you, break up's are bloody tough Aaron and you have done this like a boss!

Be kind to yourself as you so deserve it.

Chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Was good to have some more positive feelings yesterday. I'm certainly happy about that.

Just had an awful conversation with that co-worker. She was annoyed because I haven't been communicating with her. We went for a walk, I was told I've been stringing her along and that she expected so much better of me. The truth is though I wasn't stringing her along at all, I just needed time to heal before talking to her again. I genuinely fell in love with her, but obviously I can't do anything about it, and especially not while I'm still getting over a break up. She didn't understand that and well... let's just say we're not friends any more.

I think she really hated the fact I still had feelings for my ex. But as we've said before, these things just don't shut off instantly.

It was the last thing I needed just as I was starting to feel a bit better.

I guess in a way, I know what sort of person she is and it's probably for the best.

I think after that I'm going to need to go on another run tonight! I feel awful for hurting her like that, but as the same time I feel like it was really insensitive to expect that much of me at this time.

Hope you're having a nice day Sarah - it's cold here in Hobart again brrrr!

[Aaronsis]

OH Aaron, that is most certainly not what you needed from your "friend". I don't want to say that perhaps when your ex was away and you were confiding in her that maybe she had some ulterior motives and I hate to say it but perhaps taking advantage of you when you were feeling very vulnerable.

You obviously had/have feelings for each other and did the honorable thing and walked away as you were in a relationship, surely she can't expect you to be over a 4 year relationship in one day, maybe she did. I really think you are right and she is probably not someone you need in your life at the moment and maybe later on down the track if you feel you need to you can perhaps address how she made you feel and that you were hurting and she placed pressure on you, not fair! The mum in me is coming out now and I will give her a call...lol

That is so fantastic you are going to go running again and that you have had some feeling of being on the road to recovery. I am feeling so positive for you and am so proud of your determination to be happy and do some things for yourself for once, good on you Aaron.

You just keep on doing what you are doing as you are doing all the right things, you really are.

It is cold in Melbourne today too.....I am lucky enough to be inside but I am looking forward to next week when the sun is supposed to be out again.

Chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

It was not what I was expecting from her at all. She was so kind and warm before, I guess I felt a strange comfort during this time that hopefully when I'm ready (however long that would take) I could approach her and we'd potentially have something really special.

I knew she was hurting at this time, but there was nothing I could do about that. While trying to be there for my ex and at the same time dealing with my own mess of emotions and thoughts, the last thing I needed was getting all confused with someone else I have feelings for.

I may be naive or missing something but I don't feel like this is difficult to understand? If it were the other way around, I would never put pressure on anyone at such a time.

It's really rattled me. I guess I'm really saddened and disappointed by it.

It's freezing here- I'm in an office but it's cold. I suspect they're trying to save money on heating!

Aaron

[Guest_1584]

Try to accept for now that it's the way it has to be with office girl. Of course she could understand it but she's obviously also had a few hopes as well and was a bit unrealistic about time you'd need, so she's upset . Maybe just try to let it go for now , look after yourself and l wouldn't be at all surprised if down the track when you feeling better , you two patch things up. Don't push it , just let it go , if that's gonna happen later it will and the timing will be much better . Right now it's sort of a bit of a blessing really because it'll give you the space you need anyway.

Good luck

[rhinoceros]

Hi RandomX

Yes, just going to have to accept things as they are for now. I too had hopes, but there's no denying she had some unrealistic expectations about the amount of time I need. I sincerely hope whatever happens we patch things up, even just as friends.

These things need to happen in the right way and at the right time. Right now, it's neither of those things.

You're so right though, it makes my situation a lot less complicated and gives me space to think about things properly.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

Hope today finds you feeling brighter and that your run went well last night, assuming you did another 5kms!!

Just stopped in to remind you of how awesome you are doing and hope today is better and gets better each day.

Have you got some plans for the weekend as yet?

Chat soon

Sarah