I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry I've been AWOL! Christmas time has been more hectic than I had anticipated. Hope you had a lovely Christmas :-). My Christmas was mostly quiet, just with my immediate family.

Actually I had a pretty terrible boxing day- not in a really bad way, but just lots of bad luck! I went to check out some sales in the city, and when I went to pay for what I had bought, I realised I lost my bank card! But if that wasn't enough, I went to the car and it wouldn't start - fuel pump died! It's an old BMW, I love it, but I've had so many problems with it lately. I had to get towed out. So embarrassing! Anyway, will have a mechanic come round on Monday and hopefully get it mended soon. I can't even drive my Merc because the broken old BMW is in the way :-(. Thankfully I can use my mum's car.

Have had to see my ex a bit lately, her mum is down visiting. She has serious mental health problems. It's sad but she's basically in a child-like daze. She is on a massive number of medications, physically she isn't very mobile. She lives like a hermit sadly. My ex isn't actually nice or patient with her. I know there's probably more to it, but on a surface level I find my ex's lack of compassion disturbing. I actually try to include her mum in conversation and engage with her because my ex won't.

So that's been kind of challenging. Thankfully I've had most of today to myself. Went for a run this morning at the gym, aimed to do 10 kms but only did 4kms - I think all the Christmas food etc. has made me rather unfit!! I've entered another half marathon which is happening mid January, so I need to get my butt in gear!

How has your holidays been? Did you take any leave? I'm back at work on the 2nd of January. Actually I'm looking forward to getting back- just for the routine if nothing else. There's something strangely comforting about being in a routine like that. Also, I really want to see coffee-girl again!

Lot of hugs!!

Aaron

xxxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Great to hear from you..do not apologize for being AWOL..you are living your life..that is what you are supposed to be doing. WOW..Boxing day sounds like a debacle..but hey, at least you managed it and didn't fall in a heap and just put it down to life..I hope you have found your bank card though..grr how frustrating...and yay for your mum's car. It is frustrating when stuff like that happens ..and all on the same day.....but hey, you are soldiering on and that is great.

My Christmas has been pretty much immediate family too, which has been great, so nice to have this time with my Aunt and Uncle who are here until the 3rd, so really great to just hang out with my dad, with them and with my grandmother, who is 89!...she is amazing tho..it is like she is 70!

I am off to my friend's tonight for dinner as it is her birthday, get the kids back tomorrow and movies with them and dinner on Monday, Tuesday all the family here for dinner, Wednesday recover and Thursday back to work also...I too will be happy to have the routine back, although I have been enjoying just going at a slower pace.

Good on you for getting out there and exercising...here is some news for you..ready...today is day one of me eating plant based only food. I watched game changers on Netflix and I really am not sure why after this we eat meat and dairy..oh dear...I feel like I am a preaching vegan on day 1....oopsss....

That is really sad about your ex and her mother, to her defense I am not close with my mother either and it is hard when you are not close and they are suffering and you see them not doing what they can to help themselves..not sure this is the case with her but none the less it is so wonderful for you to spend some time with them and to try to make her feel like she has some worth and value which you ex may not be tapping into. I am sure this is all going to add to the complete picture that you are putting together of your ex and establishing the role she will play going forward in your life.

Ohhh coffee girl hey..lol...that is really good that you have her as a friend and that you are obviously making a great connection...that is really great. So happy for you that you can see that you are able to be valued in a friendship with a woman and if this goes further with her, to see that there are good relationships to be had.

Huge hugs Aaron, from your friend the vegan...lol

Sarah xxx

[Aaronsis]

Happy New Year Aaron

Hope 2020 is totally amazing for you filled with health, happiness and every best wish xx

Happy New Year.

Your friend Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

Happy New Year!!! Wishing you a wonderful 2020 🙂

Yes Boxing day was a bit of a debarkle but getting my car fixed today - will be happy to have it fixed. Fingers crossed there will be no more problems! Thank goodness for Mum's car - she's in Queensland at the moment seeing her dad so the timing worked out really well. Sadly no bank card but that should be on its way soon I hope!

Your grandmother sounds amazing! She must be really young at heart. That keeps people young. My grandfather was like that, he was in his mid/late late 80s but looked like he was closer to 75. Family time is so good, it would be nice spending time with your dad too. I'm sure he really appreciates it as well.

Wow- you've gone Vegan! That's really cool. How is it going? I've tried going vegetarian but I didn't last very long before my carnivorous ways re-emerged. I'm not big on dairy, never have been actually - I always drink my coffee/tea black etc. I will check out that documentary - sounds really interesting.

With my ex and her mum it's been a bit tough - I can totally see why my ex is frustrated. Her mum is really lazy and has no initiative at all, but at the same time I can't begin to imagine the chaos that is in her mind. My ex isn't the most patient person (bit of an understatement there).

I can relate regarding your mum , I'm not close with my dad. It's hard when people won't help themselves. He tends to play the victim - everything is always someone else's fault!

Bad news re coffee girl, turns out she is in a relationship. That's okay though, glad to have made a friend. Nice to know that I still can actually feel something towards other people, that in itself is really good to know and positive.

Back at work today - arrrgh! But it's been fairly quiet at least 🙂

Hope you have a wonderful day

Aaron

xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Look at us all back at work already for 2020...guess we have to come back one day..lol

It has been some of the best few weeks with my family and with all the generations together, it is so cool and I really love that my kids can hang out with their great grandmother..she is the only living grandparent of mine now so it is really special. It has been good spending this time with my dad too, we get along so well and have lots of laughs (tears too), but it is so great.

Bummer coffee girl has a partner but as you said, you have made a friend and that is so wonderful. You just don't know who is going to cross your path when you least expect it and that is so exciting to think about. Yes you can feel and you will feel love again but even more exciting, receive love as it is truly intended..when you do it will floor you...yay..so much good stuff to look forward to.

It is quiet here today so have done so much personal stuff to get the year started, I am struggling writing the date thou..lol

Yep Vegan..today is day 6 and I feel amazing, I have prepared well with the food side of things so have lots of options, and even the kids have really enjoyed some of the things I have been eating and they are trying..they are still eating meat as it will have to be their choice not to, I am not pushing anything there. I feel less tired and I feel less bloated, over all I feel amazing, not sure if it is psychosomatic but I will take it...

Hope you are having a great day too..try writing the date...lol...02/01/2020...gee i could hardly even type that..mind blown..lol

Huge hugs as always Aaron

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Yes being back at work is a bit of a drag but that's okay! I'm lucky to have colleagues I get along with really well, it makes the whole thing so much easier.

That is so cool that the kids can spend time with their great grandmother! That's so special. The great grandmother would love it too I'm sure! My family came to Australia in 1950 so we never got to meet our great-grandparents. Most of them died a long time ago, but my grandmother on Dad's side, her mum was alive until the late 1990s I think. She used to write to my grandmother.

It's so nice that you've been spending time with your Dad too, he sounds like a really nice man. He would be so happy having you around.

It's a bummer with coffee girl for sure! She's so lovely, it's no surprise she's been snatched up already! I'm very glad to have her as a friend. People like that don't grow on trees, so just being friends is a huge positive as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure when I do find someone it'll hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way of course...!). After all the issues with my ex it's probably good to have a bit of time to fully get over all that stuff before inflicting myself on someone 😛

It was quiet yesterday at work for me too - today has been a bit busier. I think next week will be a bit more crazy. Bracing myself for that!

Glad the vegan diet is going well! Honestly I think most of the meat that we buy from the supermarkets has got to be bad for us...all the hormones/antibiotics etc. pumped into it. That can't be good for us! My ex used to eat meat but she had chronic stomach problems, once she went vegetarian her stomach came good. Huge difference!

Yes the 2020 thing is doing my head in!! I still think that 1980 is 20-something years ago....

What's even scarier is that 1990 is as far away from 2020 as 2050 is... now THAT is frightening!!

Have a great day Sarah 🙂

Aaron

xxxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Happy Friday, I can really get used to this come in for two days thing and then it is the weekend...I have got alot done so Monday will be alot less crazy which I am looking forward to.

That is so great that you know your family history and that you have access to that information. I kind of know about my family tree but not like you, that is really cool. It is so great to be able to have a mix of generations and for us all to spend time together, even the conversations between my son and his great grand mother around phones and technology, you can see he gets frustrated as to "how does she not know this stuff" and her not having a clue what he is talking about, it is funny, but also scary as to how far we have actually come with technology and is it a good or bad thing??? not sure yet!!

That is so very sweet of you to say that about coffee girl and that you are not surprised she has been snapped up..and that people like her don't grow on trees, that you appreciate her friendship, that is so very nice to hear and once again just shows what a genuinely great guy you are Aaron. I had to laugh when you said that it might be good to have some time before you inflict you on another person...funny but I think that there is a very lucky lady out there and she doesn't know it yet....

The vegan diet is going so well and i am really surprised at how I have stuck to it and how much I am enjoying it. I am already down 3kgs..not that I am doing it for weight loss but just eating better obviously agrees with me. I feel alert and awake and clean if that makes sense. I am going to stick to it firmly for one month and see how I feel and what I am missing if anything and then go from there. It really is scary the thought of what they do to our food. Dairy is a really tricky thing for some people and it really hurt my inside so I get what you are saying about your ex and her pain around meat, it really can hurt bad when foods don't agree with you.

I had to laugh also at the whole date thing, I still think I finished school like 10 years ago, it was actually 29 years ago..omg.....that is insane!!!! 2050...I can't even get my head around that....!!!!

I am out for dinner tonight with my friends and my kids, I am trying the pancake parlor's plantcake!!! Hopefully it is yum!

Have an awesome weekend and hope that the weather is good for you, it is so smokey here is it crazy how the whole darn country is on fire....frightening!!

Chat soon Aaron

Sarah xxxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Hope you've had a nice week so far! I too was busy on Friday but it meant Monday was a bit less full on. It's been pretty busy here since then, but it makes the time pass quickly if you're busy.

The conversations between your son and his great-grandmother would be so fascinating! My grandfather and I used to talk a lot about how things have changed during his lifetime. He was really tech-savvy, he even had social media accounts! Not bad for a 90 year old :-). I personally am not so much a fan of all this technology - I don't like how it tracks/monitors everything we do. There's really no such thing as privacy any more.

Bumped into coffee girl yesterday, had a quick chat - it's great to have made a nice friend like that. I feel like I'm slowly getting myself back together again. When look back and think about how I was feeling a few years ago, I'm so glad to be where I am now.

So glad the vegan diet is going well. 3 kg - that's amazing! Sounds like you're feeling heaps better. I don't really eat dairy either - it doesn't agree with me. I've always had my coffee/tea black for that reason. Occasionally I'll "treat" myself with a hot chocolate with milk but I regret it after.

It's so scary how time flies!! I find things that honestly seem like yesterday are actually 10 years ago now... it's really scary.

How was the plant-cake?? I went to a vegan restaurant on the weekend and had a Oreo shake... coconut ice-cream, and almond? milk I think - OMG it was so good.

This Sunday I'm doing another half-marathon eeeek! It's going to be full on. I'm not terribly well prepared but I'm just going to do my best and see how that goes. I also have lots of gigs on this week, I'm really happy about that because I have no money at the moment as getting my car mended was more expensive than anticipated.

The fires are horrible. I feel so sad for all the wildlife that have been killed and the people who have lost their homes. We've had fires here in Tassie -there was one last week awfully close to where I live. Thankfully no harm done. I think it was deliberately lit too.

Hope you're having a good day

Aaron

xxxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Good luck for the 1/2 marathon on Sunday, that is so awesome that you are going to do another one, I will be thinking of you, even though you feel unprepared, it is so great you are going to still do it..yay!

The Vegan diet is going so well, I am so surprised at myself that I am still at it to be honest, although it is not hard at all and I am not missing anything YET...I thought it was going to be so hard. Today is day 11 and I am 4kgs down and feel so clean and fresh and healthy..ok..you get the idea...lol. I am going to have a real crack at it for one month and see where to from there, I would love to think I can maintain this lifestyle. The plant - cake was actually amazing, it was soooo delicious, and if you didn't know it was vegan you would have never known....if you know what I mean...lol...

I am so happy you have coffee girl as a friend and that she makes you feel good about you, she is also acting as a friendly reminder of how far you have come....awesome, you really have come so far and I am so happy you can start to see this too.

The fires are just devastating and I am so sad our country is burning, the people, the houses, the animals..it is just horrific. We have bad smoke here in Melbourne as a flow on from them and it is horrible, I can hardly imagine what is like for the people living in these areas and the people who are fighting these fires....bloody horrific. Oh god..stay safe and I am so sad to hear that you are experiencing this too....

I am keeping happy with listening to music...I am at work today with my ear phones in listening to Stevie Nicks, INXS ...happy places....do you know "No Myth" by Michael Penn....my tune atm...showing my age..lol

Have a great day Aaron and glad to hear you have some gigs on to keep you happy and in some dollars...

Sarah xxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sorry I've been AWOL - it's been a hectic week and weekend. I ran the half-marathon yesterday. Really pleased with how I went, I bet the time I set in the previous one by almost 15 minutes. Feeling pretty darn sore today though. Will go for a walk at lunch time and try and keep moving if I can!

So glad to hear your vegan diet is going well! I actually went out for dinner at a vegan restaurant a while back. Honestly I wouldn't have even known some of the food was vegan - it was delicious! I had an Oreo smoothie, it had coconut cream and coconut ice cream, I think they used almond milk.. anyway it was so tasty and just as rich and creamy as something made from dairy.

I was invited to a birthday party on Saturday night. I had gig right after so couldn't stay for long. It's the first time in a long while I've been invited to something like that. I was feeling pretty anxious about it, the thought of people I don't know being there... having to start conversations etc. Not things I generally like doing much! Thankfully it went okay, I was worried for no good reason really!

Things with my ex are a bit tricky at the moment. I want to distance myself away from her more but with her mum visiting etc. it's not a good time. She's been very angry/irritable due to spending time with her parents. I don't think she like doing that much.The fact her time is occupied by her parents right now isn't a bad thing as it give me a bit of space.

The fires are so awful, it's so horrible what's happening. Here in Hobart we have some hot days ahead, I worry about a lot about fires... there's so much bush land here in Tas... it's all so dry as well so it wouldn't take much for a fire to start.

Music is the best medicine! I've been listening to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons... I don't know what that says about me but it makes me happy ahaha! 🙂

Hope your Monday is treating you well

Aaron

xxxx