I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Well here we are at Monday again, lol, they just seem to come around so quickly.

You sound like you had a pretty busy weekend too with rehearsals and with your music, is so great you have that as part of your life and that you are good at it, I would love to be that musically talented.

Not so great to hear that your ex appears not to be in a great space, yes the dishes and the state of the house does sometimes reveal more that what people verbally say so that is so good of you to pick that up and notice. Did you mention anything to her about it? How did the rest of the house seem? It is a good sign though that she has been going for jobs and that the interview seemed to go well, perhaps she is ok and just hadn't got to them yet, ants can come pretty quickly...but if you are concerned you can just ask her if she needs some help, not that you should be doing it, but you can ask her if she is coping with the jobs around the house and with daily things in general that need doing? If she says she is not coping with that then perhaps you can suggest she put a call in to a friend or to a family member, I know you said she doesn't have many people, but I just don't want you to be in a position to do it as I know you will feel like you have to help her if she says she needs assistance. Perhaps this is a conversation for over the phone so you are not physically there and are compelled to do it for her.

You are doing so well Aaron and have come so far, please don't feel like things like being her carer and worrying about her are bad or things you should just get over in a day, this sort of stuff takes time and you are doing so well, especially seeing this is a pretty tough one to manage too. I am so very proud of you.

I actually saw an old Merc today as I dropped the kids off at school, and it was gold too...I did think of you in your car cruzin down the road with your old tunes on...lol...not long and it will be back on the road and you can enjoy the beautiful weather and the summer in your car.

Time to get my act into gear and get some Christmas shopping done...yep I will be still saying this on December 24..I just know it...grrr...

Have a great night.

Cheers
Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I know - Mondays are relentless... argh, every time we get rid of them they're back again! It was really busy weekend for sure, probably a bit too busy, it would be nice to be less tired all the time! That said it's a great outlet and in a strange way a good form of self-therapy if that makes sense.

I didn't mention anything much about the ants etc. She did mention that she hasn't had a chance to do any dishes for a while. We all let things slip a bit at times, and I've seen her kitchen get to that state in the past, it still made me worry a bit. If I do talk to her about that, I definitely would prefer doing it over the phone - the last thing I need is to become her cleaner! I can barely keep on top of my own cleaning/washing!

She isn't very good at keeping her house tidy etc. at the best of times, so I should try not to stress. Her mum is actually a hoarder, she has a fairly serious problem with that. I suspect my ex has inherited parts of that.

I think regarding the carer thing, it's a source of frustration I guess... I try hard to be assertive and try not to let that instinct get the better of me, but it's so hard. I'm kind of glad that I have that level of empathy, but at the same time I wish I could turn it off for a while just to get a break. Some people are the total opposite, they're narcissists... I'd rather be stressing about everyone elses problems than be that!!!

Right now the stress of this mess is getting to me a bit, that combined with too many late nights gigging is a recipe for trouble! Unfortunately I have a gig this evening, but thankfully it finishes fairly early, so hopefully I can get some much needed rest.

Yes hopefully not too long before I can cruise around again! We've had such nice weather over the last couple days, it's a shame not to be taking advantage of it. Hoping to go for a nice drive on the weekend if it's ready by then.

I'm planning on getting some Christmas shopping done this weekend... the soon its done, the better!! I'm terrible at buying gifts for people too, it's such an agonising time !

Hope you've had a wonderful Tuesday

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

It is actually really funny (well not funny haha) that you mentioned in your post that "Right now the stress of the mess is getting to me a bit"...I was actually thinking yesterday of saying to you to look at the title of your thread and to see how far you have come, and do you still view this as " I don't know what to do - mess of a situation"....I feel like you have pulled yourself so far out of the mess and now it is an "experience" that you are managing every day and that it is perhaps not a mess anymore but more of a situation that you are controlling and do have control over. Do you feel like that? Do you still see it as a mess that you don't know what to do?

I am so glad that you know yourself in that too many late nights and too much gigging and music can make you a little emotional, I am so pleased that you are so very self aware and can identify that, that means you can manage it. I can say "get to bed early!"...lol....but you know that....

I have to shoot off to Sydney on Friday as we are doing a tree plant at the University for my brother which will be beautiful and emotional and all that wrapped into one..my aunt will be there, she lives in America so it will be some wonderful family time that i am so looking forward to. We are going to have stones with conversation starters under the tree and it will be acting like a point where people can chat and talk to each other. So special.

Christmas shopping...arrgghhh yep..haven't done that yet either...ah well...there is always the 24th...lol

Hope you have a great Wednesday and yep..cake day here..whoo hoo

Sarah xxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah 🙂

That's a great point - it's not so much of a mess any more. It's more just a series of hurdles and obstacles I suppose. I've pulled myself together as best I can, it's been a very interesting/strange time in a lot of ways! Right now my strategy is to take each day as it comes, that's really all I can do for now. I have a gig tonight, but before that I'm having dinner with my ex quickly just to catch up and check in.

I'm actually weaning of AD medication at the moment, reduced my dose by a little bit yesterday. Feeling a bit second hand today as a result of that but after a week or so I start to feel a bit more normal again! On the bright side my Merc is back - last night I went for a nice night-time drive in it, was good fun. Had Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons blaring through the old tape player... I would have looked ridiculous but who cares ?! 🙂

Today we had a work lunch, it was nice to have a laugh with my colleagues outside of the office. They're really nice people and have been really supportive to me over the past few months. Had a couple of beers and now I feel a bit sleepy.

Hoping for a fairly relaxed weekend, I think I'll try and tackle that Christmas shopping situation... get that under control finally...

Hope you have a safe trip to Sydney. The tree plant is a beautiful thing, I'm sure it'll be hard in some ways too though. It's a lovely thing to do - it would be such a profoundly emotional time. It sounds like a lovely way to bring people together.

Hope it goes okay and I'm here if you need to talk!

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

Happy Monday and also it is Christmas next week..can you believe it!!

Hope that you had a great weekend, mine in Sydney was emotional and awesome at the same time. It was so beautiful to plant the tree for my brother and to see all his friends again and just feel the love they had/have for him. I wish he had only have known how much he was loved and how many hearts he touched, I hope he did know that. We then went and had a really beautiful lunch together as a family, my aunt and uncle are here from the States so it was just really lovely family time. My dad was so very emotional so that was really hard to see AGAIN..these are the times when I really have to dig deep and manage the anger feelings I still have from time to time for my brother doing "this" to my dad.

I am so happy for you that you can see that you are not really in a "mess of a situation" anymore and that you do have a plan and that you have managed this journey so very well, as bloody hard as it has been for you. It really is a credit to you and you have come so far you really have.

How is the weaning off the meds going? It is a bit of a journey too, but I am glad it is not too taxing on you and that you are feeling like you are going well without them.

Yay for the Merc being back, I am sure you got out and about in it over the weekend, we had some nice weather here so hopefully you did too.

I agree with you about the work lunch thing, it is nice when you have an awesome bunch of people who you work with, my two best friends in life I have found here at work and they are my rocks,they go through all my dramas with me and are there for me to cry and laugh with. I would be lost without them.

Hopefully you have managed to get that Christmas shopping under way..I did some shopping at the airport while I was waiting for my flight..two birds...one stone..lol

Thanks so very much for your support and offering to be here for me, although we have never met I enjoy chatting to you and consider you a friend too.

Have a great day.

Sarah xxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah!

Welcome back :-). So glad the time in Sydney was good. It would have been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster I'm sure. Having everyone together like that again would have been special. Sounds like your brother was very much loved by those around him. Often people when they're in such a dark place mentally stop seeing that. Sorry to hear about your dad, it would be so hard for him - I can completely appreciate the feelings of anger arising, it would be hard to see him hurting like that.

Weaning off the meds is a bit of a drag but I'm doing okay. Feeling a bit strange but it will pass soon enough.

After Christmas I am going to tell my ex that I can't keep seeing her. I kept seeing her with the hope we could work through some issues and potentially start anew, however I know deep down that will never happen. This weekend was draining. She's having issues at work but she's dumping the burden of that on me. It's that feeling of being a carer coming back again and I don't want that any more. Keeping on seeing her like I am is preventing me from being able to move on and get my own life together.

She is a good person, I've given this relationship every possible chance, but it's ultimately not what I want. When I saw her on Saturday I arrived in a good mood but within minutes I felt miserable. Some people are just so negative, they inadvertently suck the joy out of things.

Took the Merc for a good spin over the weekend - very nice to have it back again and it's running better than ever now. Hopefully no further tinkering required for a while :-).

Starting my Christmas shopping this week! Leaving it to the last minute as usual!

I like talking to you too Sarah - you're a wonderful friend 🙂

Aaron

xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

You really made my day yesterday, there were so many great things in one message I actually jumped up of the chair and yelled "YES"...hahaha...you have come so bloody far and I am so bloody proud of you!

Sydney was great and I will have that time in my heart forever, my Aunt and Uncle will be here until the 3rd of Jan so lots more family time to be had. Glad that the weaning off the meds is being kind to you and that you are feeling ok, strange is ok as long as you can just watch it from a distance and see that it stays good.

I am so very proud of you for making a decision to call it a day with your ex after Christmas, she is a good person and so are you, but this is about what is good for your mental health and how you are feeling and you have acknowledged that it is taking the life out of you and draining you to the point of being able to move on with your life. I am so happy you have come to see that and that you will address it. You have so many good things in your life and you can start to enjoy them, build on some new things that make you happy and start the new look Aaron, how exciting for you. You don't need to be dumped on and you are no ones carer, except yours!

You have given this MORE than anyone could ever ask of you and I think you can walk away with your head held high knowing you did everything and more to do the very best break up in history, I really mean that. You are so very caring and you really did go above and beyond with her.

Great that you got to get back out in the Merc, it really is your happy place and I am glad that you have that.

I had to laugh, Christmas shopping, Christmas Eve..I can see it now..frantic ..lol

Thank you for saying I am a wonderful friend, I really value that coming from you.

Have a wonderful day Aaron

Sarah xxxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sorry for the delay in replying - it's been crazy the last few days- the lead up to Christmas is full on! Thank you so much for your lovely message! I'm glad that I made your day - I'm happy to have some clarity in my thinking and know what I want. A lot of that has come through your help, I'm so very grateful for your generosity!

I'm so happy to hear Sydney was good. Family time is great, as I get older I appreciate family time more and more. The weaning off meds situation is going okay- has been a bit rougher than I had anticipated but the worst of it is over now. At the same time I've had lots of very late nights from gigging so I'm sure that hasn't helped.

With my ex it's hard in that she's a good person, but at the same time she is such a negative person. When I stop and think about what we actually talk about, it's generally her complaining about things. She is always the victim, doesn't matter what the situation is... even if the problem was her fault... she approaches things from such a negative angle. That way of thinking is contagious, and the last thing I need!

I've tried as hard as I could with her, I did my best - it's all that anyone can do. I still care about her and I hate the fact she will be hurting, but I'm hurting too and that's not really something I can sustain indefinitely.

On the positive -I've done most of my Christmas shopping! Hooray! I have one last thing to get today and it's all done. What a relief. Looking forward to time with the family and hopefully a fairly relaxing time.

Hope you're well and that your X-mas shopping has been successful 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Great to hear from you, no need to apologize, you are out living life and that is exactly what you should be doing!

I am so glad to hear that you have some clarity, does it hurt any less, probably not but you are closing off the last part of the equation and that is surely not going to be easy, however, you have identified how crucial it is for you, and you are so very right, you have done all you could possibly to and give, so very much more.

Great to hear that the weaning part is going well and that you are doing well in that space, I am sure that the late nights are not helping at all, but in saying that you are doing what you love so that probably has some benefits too. Hopefully you can get some rest over the holiday time, do you have much leave over Christmas?

Yay for the Christmas shopping being done, I am done too, I just have some pre Christmas cooking to deal with now so that is not too bad. My aunt is american and she will be doing a whole massive turkey, she is the expert at that as they celebrate thanks giving and turkey is essential..so my kids are super excited about that, oh and the Mac n Cheese that she does...almost like a heart attack on a plate by OMG..sooo goood....I am not sure how our day will go, I am sure that there will be tears but I am hoping there will be laughs too, none the less there will be lots of love and family time. I hope that your day goes well and that you will have some awesome family time and spend the day with your loved ones..and get some good pressies!

My son had his mates stay over on Friday night, wow...15 year old boys are kind of smelly..lol..they had a great time and did not sleep at all, but they are so interesting and I really don't remember boys being like that when I was 15, times sure have changed. They hug each other and take care of each other, don't get me wrong there was wrestling and running down the street at 11pm having races....wt...lol...I am just so glad he has found his crew, he has really struggled to make friends and it is so wonderful to see the kids he is hanging out with.

Ok, off to try to get this work day over..half a day tomorrow then holidays..woooo hoooo

Hope your Monday is great.

Chat soon

Sarah xxxxx

[Aaronsis]

Merry Christmas Aaron

I hope that you have a wonderful day with your family and enjoy the festivities of the day.

Merry Christmas!!

Huge hugs as always

Sarah xxx