I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Happy Wednesday indeed, but a kind of hectic one but hey, Home and Away is on so life is good..lol...yep sad I know..

Just thinking about what you said about how "she had every reason to feel secure with me"..she felt secure, that is the horrible point that she felt so secure that you were not going anywhere that she could treat you so poorly and manipulate so as every fight was your fault and left you begging for forgiveness, that is why it has come as such a shock and is so painful to her as not only have you left her when she never thought you had the courage to but you are also doing just fine too, that will be a double wammy for her as she probably truly believed you would not ever be able to be without her.....now she is left with not only pain but humiliation too.

I am so terribly sorry that you had such low self esteem that you actually could not look at people and had to sought counselling and self help books to manage it, I am so glad you did but relationships are just not supposed to be like that. I am sure she is really surprising you at the moment with her sweetness but you are so right in that she is only seeing you in short bursts so it is easy to maintain.

Not "should I ever enter a new relationship"....more like WHEN you meet a new person as to whom you would like to start a relationship with, and yes...you will be so much more intune with you and how you are feeling, which in turn makes for a better relationship, so all in all it is just positive.

I am not suggesting the lighthouse keeper was a cop out, just that we always want what we haven't got,,human nature, and we don't always see how great we are or how good life really is. You will look back on this time in the future and really be able to fully appreciate how much you have learnt and grown, that is never a mistake.

Enjoy your run, the fresh air will be wonderful and the freedom of running.

Hugs Aaron

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

It's not sad! We all have our guilty pleasures. I personally love watching "The Office" or "Peep Show". A great way to wind down after a hectic day. Sometimes we need some light TV viewing where you don't necessarily have to think too hard, but rather just be entertained.

It certainly is a double whammy for my ex. I hadn't really considered the humiliation part of it,you're so right. It makes me feel bad for her. I would never mean to cause her humiliation. That said, she wasn't afraid to belittle me and make me feel really humiliated earlier on in the relationship. I suspect her lack of empathy was a big factor there.

I'm the opposite - I'm always worried about how my actions or behaviour affect other people. Honestly I thought I wouldn't be able to go on without her - I was dependent on this out-of-balance relationship, it gave me purpose in a strange way. Being a pseudo-carer occupied all my time and I just accepted that's how life is.

The low self esteem really was a drag. It still is, but it's getting better with time. The counselling and self help books were of great help, and partially responsible for me realising the relationship was actually abnormal. I only have had one relationship before this one, so I'm far from experienced, I really had no idea of what was or wasn't normal.

I'm enjoying the fact my ex is away in Brisbane at the moment. The space is good. I can focus on this theatre show I'm working in without all that baggage to deal with. I would love it if we could just be friends eventually. My biggest regret is waiting this long to leave her, I should have left the first time she yelled at me. Like I said, I had no idea what was or wasn't normal in a relationship... I really was very clueless!

I went for a good run last night - also went for a quick drive. Opened the sunroof while listening to a Barry Manilow tape. All my troubles seemed miles away!

Tonight I have a dress rehearsal at the theatre - it's going to be a really late night, but I'm sure it'll be lots of fun too.

Have sent coffee-girl a message to see if she's free tomorrow too, was great seeing her last week, would be good to do it again.

Hope you are going well and that you're having a good Thursday. 🙂

thank you for the hugs - sending hugs your way 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

Yep the old guilty pleasures, another one of mine is going to the massage places after work on a Friday for a neck and shoulder massage..ohh what do you know..it is Friday..lol

I didn't mean to make you feel bad about perhaps suggesting that your ex feel humiliated, but if she was so very sure that you would never leave, the comfort in that and the arrogance that goes with it I am sure would be very shocking for her and humiliating as you have left. Not to make you feel bad but perhaps just to understand the feelings behind that comment about " I didn't think you had it in you..".

I am so glad that you are working on your self esteem, it really takes some work to build up when you have been made to feel so worthless. You are doing so many things right thou and I can see that it is starting to build so very much, even just reaching out to coffee girl is awesome.

Try not to have regrets, regret nothing it is all a lesson and look how much you have learnt, about yourself about relationships and about your ex, nothing is ever a waste. Maybe you weren't ready to receive the lesson yet that is why you didn't leave before.

Hope your dress rehearsal went well, how exciting, getting very close to performance time. Great that you have the space to enjoy this and the weekend without the pressure of catching up or having to spend time with your ex.

Ahh Barry Manilow in the car whilst driving, I could see the smile on your face while you were typing that...soul food, great to hear that you have that joy. Also the running, all really good things.

Friday at last and the weekend is in sight...yay.....

Hope today is going well for you.

hugs

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hello Sarah

Yay for Friday! Are you getting a massage today? That would be a wonderful way to finish the week as well as a great start to the weekend.

You're right about the confidence and arrogance. Outside of the relationship she actually doesn't really exhibit those traits, if anything she's actually very reserved. Only in the relationship do those traits make themselves known. It's great to be secure and comfortable in the relationship, but feeling like you can trample over the other person and know they're so worn down that they can't leave is wrong. I hadn't realised how bad it had become.

It's good to see things a bit clearer now. For so long I had no idea what was going on. I just assumed it was because I was a terrible boyfriend that I was being treated the way I was. It made me feel like I was completely and utterly inadequate.

Interesting day. I saw my other ex, my first girlfriend. She's recently engaged - we still talk and get along well. I'm really happy to hear things are going well for her. She's a very sweet, genuine person, and it's good to see she's happy. That made me feel good. We were together for over five years, I broke it off because she was wanting children and to get married, but at that time I was only 23 or so - I wasn't ready for those things. She basically wanted to start trying for kids in the next year or so... all a bit too soon for me.

Sadly coffee-girl was busy today, but that's okay. I went to a guitar shop in the city during my lunch break. I didn't buy anything, but it's nice to have a look.

This weekend should be fun (although busy). Lots of shows for that production, but I also have a car show on Sunday morning. I need to polish the Merc up and make sure it looks its best! It's a very big car to polish, I'll be exhausted afterwards. In between all that I'm hoping to fit a decent run in... I'll see how I go.

Do you have any fun plans for the weekend? 🙂

Hope your Friday is treating you well!
Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

I hope that your production went well over the weekend, I was thinking of you and all the hard work and efforts you have put it, I am sure it was amazing! How was the car show? That sounds super fun too..I love the old cars and it would have been awesome to see them all together. You sure have had a lot on so hopefully you are feeling really good and having a bit of a break too from your ex will allow you to try to see what it might look like with some space between you both.

I was so pleased to read that you are feeling like things seem to appear clearer to you and that is such a wonderful thing to start to experience, that you can see, that you can acknowledge and grow, really cool experience. I am happy that these things are starting to happen for you.

I felt really ..I dont know...disappointed when you wrote that perhaps I am just a terrible boyfriend, I actually can't even see how that is possible to be honest, and I am not just saying that, from the time that we have communicated all I can see is a warm and caring, honest and selfless person who would do anything for his partner, include compromise his own feelings to put someone else's first, someone who is thoughtful and who is so very loving. Can I ask you to reflect on the relationship that you had previously, that albeit the want for children, was this a happy relationship? did you feel valued? I think this can help paint a picture too.

Hopefully coffee girl is available to catch up with you at some point this week, I am so pleased that you have a good friend you can catch up with and make you smile, face to face is always really lovely.

My weekend was full of kids sports and starting to do some Christmas shopping...that crazy time of year...I am heading off to Cooma to be with my dad for a few days at the end of the week so I am really looking forward to that.

Monday again...meh x 2..lol

Chat soon

Sarah xx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

The show went well - it was exhausting but a lot of fun! The music was pretty challenging at times, but by the last show I was pretty sure I nailed it all haha!

The car show was really fun - it's so much fun bringing my old car out, and getting to see all these other beautiful old cars. There was all sorts of nice cars there, beautiful old Fords and Holdens, but quite a few more exotic cars like old Lancias, Ferraris and even a Bentley. It's nice brining my old Merc because in a strange way I feel like I can share it with other people, even if one person gets a kick out having a squiz at it, that makes my day.

It was a frantic weekend for sure, but fun! Space away from my ex was good. Honestly I think we're just better suited to being friends. It's probably what we should have been all along.

I guess regarding feeling like a terrible boyfriend; I guess her behaviour towards me made me feel that way. It was a way of making sense of why she was so unhappy all the time. She was mostly unhappy/grumpy in general, and had really no interest in me in any romantic way. It was the only way I could rationalise all that. When we had issues with intimacy she made it very clear she's never had any problems with anyone before me. I figured her ex boyfriends must have been more rich/successful/better in every way than me. Once I digested all that the only thing that made sense to me was that I must be a hopeless boyfriend.

I've always treated my ex the way I would like to be treated by her if that makes sense.

To be perfectly frank my previous relationship was better. I felt loved and valued. The problem really was that we were both too young - well at least I was. We were only 18 when we got together. We both grew up in different directions, when you're only 18 you have so much growing up to do still.

Coffee girl was busy last week but I'll try again for this week.

I haven't done ANY X-mas shopping yet... argh!

Cooma sounds interesting! Spending time with Dad will be nice. It's so good to spent time with family. As I get older I appreciate spending time with my family more and more.

Monday was meh indeed haha!

Hopefully Tuesday will be a bit less meh 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Wow, you had a huge weekend, need to come back to work for a rest..lol. I am so glad that you had a great time at the car show and can get a thrill when people appreciate your car and love it like you do, that is really cool.

I am sure you nailed more than just the last show, you sound like you are a pretty talented muso so I am sure you nailed all of it....

How are you feeling with the physical distance between you and your ex, I see you say you are better off as friends and it is great you can identify that too. How is she feeling with the physical distance? This time apart is probably the most "broken up" you have probably felt and just wondering how it is feeling for you?

I am glad you were able to reflect on your previous relationship and see that it was better, sure the circumstances were sad that the pressure of a family and wedding etc was daunting and not for you yet but I am so happy to hear that you have had the feeling of being an equal and that one is not controlling the other. That you have felt loved and valued, that is the point of a relationship, to make you feel good not bad.

Off to Cooma tomorrow night, then the whole school speech thing...I will be crapping myself but anyhoo, I will just breathe and get on with it.....I am really looking forward to hanging out with my dad and my kids are coming too, will be some lovely family time. He has a pretty dry sense of humour like me so we gag alot...I love that. I also love for my kids to spend time with the older generation and get some tips on life.

Yes CHRISTMAS...it is getting so darn close..I have two presents..arrgghhhh...

Wednesday already tomorrow...office cake day.....

Cheers

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

It was a huge weekend! So busy. Thankfully this week I only have one gig - although there's a weekly jam session that happens tonight that I'm considering going to, just for a social thing. Might be fun. I'll see how I feel later this afternoon, depends how tired I get at work!

The physical distance with my ex and I is good for me. I don't think she like it so much though. She's gone from being completely dependant on me to having to fend for herself. That adjustment takes time. I feel like I have a lot more freedom in general. After work I can go to the gym, or go for a drive, head out to a jam session even. Before, I didn't feel like I really could do those things. It was a case of get home, make dinner, do dishes, watch garbage TV and go to sleep ad nauseum. For my ex, she loved that routine - however it's not really my thing.

For a while I was getting up early on the weekends to go for a run. She basically said I'm not allowed to do that, as it would wake her. I was getting up at about 7:30 or so- so it wasn't crazy early or anything. I had to basically stay perfectly still/quiet until she eventually woke up. She used to really get angry if her sleep was interrupted for any reason.

Not having to deal with that kind of thing is really liberating. I still miss her of course, but I don't miss that controlling environment / dynamic that existed. It's nice to do my own thing and not feel like I have to answer for myself all the time. I really forgot what that feels like.

With my first girlfriend, it was one of those cases where we both were wanting different things at that time. Aside from that it was a good relationship. It didn't feel like hard work like my most recent one did. We're still good friends, I'm really lucky in that regard. She's recently engaged actually, I'm really happy for her.

Speech night! That's nerve-wracking. Time with your Dad in Cooma will be nice though. I love a good dry sense of humour. It's great to have a laugh. I'm sure the kids will soak up some wisdom from the older generation. I was like a sponge when I was a kid , just soaked up whatever was around me haha!

I so far have ZERO presents - this situation needs to be addressed STAT!

Office cake day sounds great! Wish we had that here. I do have a stash of Oreos in my drawer... I might raid that stash later this afternoon... 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Just a short note to let you know I am here still and hope you have a great weekend.

Just got home from the speech day which went really well,emotional but it went really well. There was a really cool part of the day in that Stuart Diver was one of the dignitaries, he was in the Threadbo disaster of 1997.

It was a pretty emotional day but just about to teach my son how to drive....lol..so that will be interesting. Then we are off to do some Christmas decorations.

Hope you have a great weekend and chat some more next week.

..and yes..you better get cracking with that Christmas shopping..lol

Hugs

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Thank you for the nice message 🙂 It must be a pretty hectic time for you! Glad to hear the speech day went well. Teaching you son to drive! Now that sounds interesting! It's one of those fairly stressful things at times, hopefully it goes well 🙂

I remember my first driving lessons - mum and dad taught me. They did a great job - were really patient with me. Is your son learning in a manual? That can be funny at times , especially all the bunny-hopping and stalling!

This weekend was really busy, kind of draining at times. I had a couple of rehearsals, they're generally fun and a nice social activity, but at times can be tiring! I did see my ex - that was okay, she's doing fine - she had a job interview last week, it went well. In other ways she isn't doing all that well - her kitchen was full of dirty dishes and judging by the ants etc. they've been there a while... not god at all. It was nice to check in, but I do find I feel very exhausted afterwards.I need to make more space between us. I've not been very good at suppressing that carer's instinct to be honest.

We had beautiful weather yesterday, would have been perfect for a cruise in the Mercedes but unfortunately it's at the mechanics - needs a few bits and pieces done. There's always something to do with these old cars. Hopefully it'll be ready to go for next weekend 🙂

Hope you had a safe trip to Cooma 🙂

Aaron

xx