I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I am sure that you are super tired today from the gig last night and the big week you have had. I am soo glad it is Friday, although my daughter is having a friend sleep over tonight so that will be hectic..lol

I hope that you have a great lunch with coffee girl, she seems really lovely and I can see she is a good friend to you which is great. Oh dear..the old death stare..ahhhhh...yeah not sure what to do there, I think time will sort it out it really will but until then there are going to be moments of awkwardness, perhaps you could give her a smile or even a little wave kind of thing, as perhaps a peace offering..so very tricky..

Yes you are so right about your ex not knowing how lucky she is, I would love to be able to have dinner with my dad whenever and have him even in the same state as me...I guess it is the saying you don't know what you have til you don't have it anymore....I think your ex is feeling that now.

I was so happy to read that you can see how much you have grown and you will continue to do so, this is a journey now and you will continue to meet situations that challenge you and others you can look at and say "hey..that used to rattle me but I know what to do in this situation"...it feels amazing.

We didn't end up going to the beach as the wind picked up and it would have been like a sand blasting..lol...but we did have fish n chips so that was a bonus..no cooking...yay!

I suppose you will have a few more gigs over the weekend, that is great that you have that in your life, and that you love it.

Not much planned for the weekend for me other than running kids around and sports etc..lol....

Hope you have an awesome lunch and have a good ole chat.

Hugs

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Happy Friday! Gig last night was okay but it was quite busy and noisy, which isn't ideal when you're mostly deaf in one ear - it was really difficult to hear anything. It's very draining at times - but you have to take the good with the bad in these situations. I think the weight of everything got to me last night, I ended up drinking a bit too once I got home from my gig, I'm so ashamed to admit that. I just needed to drown it all out, it's the worst way to deal with things though.

The death stare hurt but I did exactly what you said - I just smiled and waved, just being friendly. I'm sure this phase will pass, and if it doesn't - it's out of my hands, I can't do anything about that. If anything I wish I could just give her a big hug and just move on from this thing, but nothing is quite that simple.

You're so right, we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. I regret not spending more time with my grandparents for example. My ex doesn't realise how lucky she is to have a dad like hers. He's not perfect, but he's endlessly helpful and generous - even to me. He's 71, he won't be around forever ,she should be enjoying that time with him while she can.

I suspect she's realising that with me, but at the same time I still don't think she really gets it. She doesn't understand that some of her behaviour was abusive. To justify herself she often says things like, "I looked after you when you were sick" etc. I did the same for her - this is what people in a relationship do... it's not to excuse bad behaviour! If anything looking after your partner when they're sick is the bare minimum in my view!

My ex wants to see me on Saturday, I've agreed to that but I won't be putting up with any tantrums or anything. If that happens I'll leave. Hopefully can just have a good chat and keep things on the light/positive side.

Yes ,I have rehearsals this weekend - I'm in the pit orchestra for a theatre production , so rehearsals are ramping up. The money is good though and comes in handy. It will be a lot of fun I'm sure.

Just had lunch with coffee girl - it was really nice. It's great to have a laugh again.

We had really severe wind last night here too! So gusty. A sandblasting does not sound fun at all! No cooking is always good. 🙂

Hope you're having a nice Friday

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Happy Friday indeed, yay for the weekend, even though it is going to be full of kid stuff..lol

I am sure that a club with live music is not really condusive to a happy head the next day, especially if you already have trouble with your hearing...ouch....but hey...as u say, take the good with the bad and it is way more good than it is bad.

Don't feel bad for having a few drinks last night, it is not what you usually do and it is more than fine to let your hair down and relax once in awhile. You know you have not turned to alcohol to get through this so that you had a few drinks really is nothing to be concerned with, well I don't think so anyway.

That is really nice that you did step up and take the higher road when office girl gave you the death stare, one day you may feel strong enough to give her that hug and say exactly that to her..."it would be awesome if we could move on from what ever that was and be friends?" All you can do is try and you never know, it may be all it takes to break the ice.

I am 100% sure your ex is going through the phase of not knowing what she had til it is gone, and that is one of the sad things about a break up is that sometimes we dont get the chance to "fix" what was wrong and make a mense..however that takes awareness and the preparedness for personal growth, not to mention taking the ownership of your part in the break up and the problems you brought to the relationship, I don't think she is quite there yet....

You are so right in that looking after each other is the bare minimum, the fact that is all she had to bring up is in itself alarming. The role of a relationship is to encourage and to support and to build the other person up and to want them to succeed, anyway ..you know all this stuff I am ranting now...lol

You are so very kind to see her on the weekend and yes, please don't tolerate any more of her bad behavior as it just leaves you feeling bad about yourself. At least you will have the rehearsals to do that will make you happy, how cool that you are in the orchestra for a theatre production, that is amazing, well done!!

I am so happy to hear that you had a great lunch and that coffee girl is making you feel good and that you had a laugh, so very important and so good to hear, awesome.

Not long now til home time and then switch hats to mum....lol...with the questions of what is to eat and I am bored....lol...

Have an awesome weekend Aaron

Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Hope your weekend full of kid-stuff wasn't too stressful! Sounds so busy!

My weekend was crazy - lots of rehearsals. Fun, but full on. Also had to visit my dad - he's a bit of a downer but he means well.

My ex asked me to stay with her on Saturday night, reluctantly I agreed, I stayed in the spare room. Anyway, it just didn't feel right for me. My anxiety and stress levels skyrocketed. She means well and I still love her, but I don't think I can go back to actually being with her, it's just not good for me. If I did, it would be because I feel sorry for her, or obligated to be with her... that's not the right reason to be with someone. This sounds mean but she can be a very depressing person, it's hard to be positive and happy around her. Her negativity is contagious -I'm sure she has a serious depression issue but she refuses to acknowledge there's a problem.

She's going away to Brisbane for a few days this week so that time will be nice for me to have a break. Spending too much time with her confuses things. I think it will be good for her to have time away from me as well. She needs to realise there's more to the world than just me. When she's away I hope she uses it as time to put herself together a bit more. Similarly I can get my thoughts together a bit better too.

Today I'm trying to stay positive, and try and not think so much about what is going on with my ex. I found the weekend really draining and it's good to be here at work away from all of that.

This week is going to be hectic, I have a theatre production happening this weekend, rehearsals every night this week - arrgh. The money is handy but I'm going to be so tired. I'm building my first home, so every cent counts right now! That said, it's fun and generally worth all the tiredness.

Hope your Monday has been treating you well so far 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

You sure sound like you have a hectic week planned, which is good, keeps you busy doing the thing you love.

Now....my mum side of me is kicking in now and I am going to tell you what I would tell a dear friend or my kids...you have mentioned that your ex is not coping well with the separation, that she is being very needy and I can see that with the amount of catch up's she is requesting of you and the time she is asking of you. Now, can I suggest that her healing and her being able to get better starts with you out of the picture. The person with whom we break up with and who has "caused" the sadness cannot be the person who heals us. She does want you back and you know this so whether this is another form of manipulation or her just being needy you have a decision to make. Sorry if I am being blunt here, I can just hear how exhausted you are and how this is taking it's toll on you and you may not realize that you are contributing to it.

I get she wants a coffee and to some degree that is ok, but perhaps not weekly, I get she wants a chat on the phone, again not too bad but perhaps not weekly, but asking you to stay over was very much outside the boundaries of a break up and you had every right to say "I am sorry but I don't feel comfortable to do that". You are so very right, it is not good for you, but it is also not good for her, she cannot move past you if she has you at her disposal. She needs to lean on her friends or find a support group, you cannot be the person to heal her.

I am glad that she is going to Brisbane as this will actually give you a physical barrier, some time for you both to truly be apart. Too much time together does confuse things, for both of you. I think it is time to put the hard rule in place and to start to put some strict boundaries on this, just my feeling and I don't want to push, but I do want you to feel better, and not tired and not drained and .....yep...not be her carer.....cos she is still asking that of you.

I am glad you are trying to stay positive and not think about the weekend, I think it is time, time to be kind to you and do what it is you want to do and I feel like that is move on with your life.

The theatre production sounds awesome, that would be so fun to be apart of that. It will really lift your spirits this week.

Building your first home...that is awesome and so very exciting, well done, I hear you though, expensive but so very exciting, go you!

Monday...meh!

Chat soon

Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I hear you, loud and clear - you're so right. Staying with her was NOT a good idea for either of us. That problem of me trying to please people all the time got the better of me. I felt so guilty and awful about how she was feeling, I didn't have the heart to say no to her. It was very weak of me, I should've stood my ground.

The upside of it is that it's reinforced that leaving her was the right thing for me to do. She is manipulating me, not necessarily in a malicious way, but she knows that I'm triggered by her being upset and I'll run to try and solve her problems for her. By reacting to that, I'm actually making everything worse I realise, for both of us. I'm not actually helping her, and I'm not helping myself either.

I'm so exhausted. I felt very tense and uncomfortable at times around her. It was very draining.

I'm going to book an appointment in with my counsellor hopefully for this week just to help me get my thoughts together a bit on this.

At some point soon I will have to say that I can't see our relationship recovering and that it's over. While I wish I could be there to support her through this thing, it's not something I can do. It doesn't help either of us at all. This sounds horrible, but I also really want to meet someone new - not obviously right now- but at some point that hopefully I can be happy with. 3 years of being mostly unhappy is long enough for most I think.

Your 'mum-side' is full of wisdom and good advice!!! Again I'm so grateful to you Sarah, you've been so generous and kind to talk with me.

I'll have to be strong and do what's right for me. Can't say I feel very strong, but I can try and build myself up to it, like I did when we initially separated. At least this time it won't come as such a shock and won't be so out of the blue.

Mondays are meh indeed!!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

I am so very happy that you have taken on board what I was trying to say as I was worried how you would read it, you cannot get tone across with words and sometimes people get upset.

I know that you are really struggling with the people pleasing and it really is something that you have to work on, it is not easy, but I think that if you arm yourself with the response in preparation so you just don’t have to think it or feel it..you just say it, it is so hard but…you have to try. I too have been there and this is what I had to do, just arm myself with the response and almost close my eyes and just recite it…and the sentence I said to you in the last post is one of them “ I am sorry but I just don’t feel comfortable in doing that”..please do not feel weak, you are most certainly not weak, far from it, this is not about weak it is about embracing change and change is really hard. That is why by putting a sentence in your brain that you can have to fall back on and to pull out at a moments notice is so handy.

I don’t want to say that she is being manipulative but she does know what triggers you. I do agree that at some point you do need to be honest with her and if you really cannot see a future with her as horrible as it will be to do , it is only fair to let her know so you can get on with your life, and as you said, you want to meet someone new, you will not be able to do this while you are caring for her and she is taking your time and your emotional energy. Also, a new person deserves the best version of you, not the exhausted and tired Aaron. You do have to be strong and do what is right for you so please do not let me pressure you here. I just feel like the relief you are going to feel after you address this with yourself will be so very rewarding.

I am here for you, always, this is not easy and I am so happy I have been able to support you through this. Now is the time for you. Not to put too finer point on it but Christmas is one month away and I don’t want you to have the festive season ruined with guilt or with her demanding your time, also you spending time with her when in your heart you really don’t want to.

Ok mummy rant over…..

Sorry to be a drainer Aaron I just want you to be happy.

S 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Yes it's hard with just text, you can't get tone across etc. it's a tricky one, but I knew what you meant!

The people-pleasing problem is a pain. I think what I find so distressing is seeing someone I care about hurt so much. I'd do anything to stop it, but it doesn't work - in fact it makes everything so much worse. I also have to remember there was so many times where she cause me a great deal of pain and was abusive, but she didn't feel bad about how it made me react or the long lasting consequences. Since she knows she could lose me, she's like a different person at the moment, however I know deep down she'd go back to her old ways fairly quickly.

I remember when I first told her I couldn't be with her any more, her first reaction was "I didn't think you had it in you to leave...". I always found that a strange thing to say. It was like she wanted to wear me down so I had zero self confidence and was unable to leave because of that. I might be totally wrong, but I find that really bizarre and kind of troubling.

I can't let my judgement get all clouded by how nice she's being right now! It's all smoke and mirrors. Sometimes I think I must be very naive and gullible.

I think the first thing I need to come to grips with is that my ex isn't going to change. The tantrum a while ago was a clear indicator of that. She might temporarily change, but it's only fleeting. It's like a stretched rubber band, it'll eventually snap back to where it was before.

This situation sucks, but the sense of relief when I'm no longer being torn to pieces will be overwhelming. There's never a right time but I think sooner rather than later is the kindest thing for both of us.

Arrgggh I wish life could be a bit less complicated!

I often joke about how good it would be to be a light-house keeper. Just being on your own, with life being as simple as possible!

Hope your Tuesday is treating you well so far 🙂
Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Feeww..so glad you got what I meant as the very last thing I would ever want to do is offend you.

The people pleasing will take some practice and it is not an easy thing, however I think too that you can come from a place with your ex that you actually do need to make a call on this as she is still leaning on you and you are still feeling obligated and cornered into being her carer.

I was actually really shocked to read her response to you when you said you couldn't be with her anymore...wow...that is sure one slap to the face. I see it as her saying " I just always thought I could treat you how I wanted and you would always be there as you are too scared to leave"..just terrible ...I am so sorry Aaron, that response from her is just horrific. Perhaps she was trying to wear you down but I see it as an arrogant confidence that she is so secure with you and that she has you wrapped around her finger that you in fact don't have the courage to leave her, that you know you can't do better.....I might be totally wrong too, but that is how I would take it. Sure she is being sugar sweet now but that tantrum was a real slip, of her showing you who is still inside her....scary really.

Smoke and mirrors for sure, I am so happy that you can consider that this is what she is doing, see how much you have grown and are awake to this behavior, that is so wonderful. You know what else, that one day when you do start a new relationship you are going to be so savvy and this is never going to happen to you again, cos you won't let it, you will sense it a mile off and stop it at the gate....how empowering......no way are you gullible or naive, you are very aware of what is happening, it is just breaking out of the guilt and putting you first, that is all....hmm..easier said that done I know...but you will get there.

There really is not going to be the right time but I feel like the relief will be overwhelming for you, in a positive way. Life is pretty complicated but it is also about learning and trying new things and you are doing all of that.

With regards to the lighthouse keeper....sure a solitary life AT TIMES would be cool, simple, private..but can I suggest to you that the perhaps the lighthouse keeper would love to be able to stand on a stage, to be able to play music that makes people happy, to take a drive in a car and feel the freedom of travel and to be able to be free....I think you know what i am getting at..

Much love and hugs to you Aaron

Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Don't worry- I'm not offended at all!

I think my ex has made the people-pleasing problem worse in some respects. With her it was like a survival mechanism of sorts. If I agreed with her and "towed the party line", generally things would be harmonious. It's a hard habit to unlearn.

I agree, that response was pretty horrible. She initially went from angry/defensive/aggressive all at once, to suddenly begging that I don't leave her. It was a total backflip. She had every reason to feel extremely secure with me - whenever she would get angry with me I would always be the person apologising, whether or not it was my fault. In a way I'm partially to blame for giving her that power, and for the consequences it brought to me. It was a vicious cycle.

I was so worn down at times that I barely had the self confidence to even make eye contact with other people let alone run off and find someone else! It took a lot of work, counselling and self help books to get to where I am now... most of the bad stuff happened in the first couple years we were together, but the consequences of that last obviously much longer.

It's so hard to believe that my ex, as she is now, is the same person who said all these awful things back then. People change suddenly when they have something to lose.

Should I ever enter a new relationship, I'll be so much more savvy than before. And these tough times will make me a better person in the long run.

The lighthouse keeper thing is a bit of a cop out I admit, when I get too burdened with problems I always think of that! But yes, there's so many nice things that one would miss out on in a lighthouse. Tonight I have a night off - I'm so happy about that. I'm going to go for a run after work - fresh air will be wonderful!

Hope you're having a good Wednesday 🙂

Aaron